|
 |
CLICK HERE to find out more
about Dr. Walsh
CLICK HERE to view Dr. Walsh's YouTube Channel
|
|
|
 |
ABC News
CBS Early Show
CNN
EXTRA
NBC's Today Show
The View,
|
 |
|
|
|
His Mother (and Yours)
How Psychologists Look at Romantic Attachment
Yesterday I had a conversation with a young man about attachment theory. Attachment Theory is a psychological construct that is the current darling of parenting experts. But fewer mainstream psychology junkies talk about its adult version --- romantic attachment.
The twenty-seven-year-old man I was interviewing, was an aspiring theatrical agent. As a layperson he couldn't have known that I was interviewing him about attachment, and if he had known, he may have been lost in the theoretical jargon that psychologists delight in hiding behind. No, this man thought I was interviewing him about dating. Same thing. Different lingo. And his frank language about such a complex subject confirmed what so many attachment theorists preach -- that early bonding experiences are carried forward in life as a kind of blueprint for peer relationships. We seek out partners who fulfill our expectations (positive or negative) and if the don't give us the reactions we are familiar with, then we increase behaviors that might elicit the responses we "need."
Back to my young, frustrated single man. He was bemoaning the telephone games that women play with men. "I'm fine with approaching a woman," he said, "I have no problem asking for her number and taking her on a great date. It's the thing that comes after later that I hate. Women send mixed messages. They're there. They're not there. I just want them to tell me if they like me or not."
Later in our conversation I asked him about his parents and family upbringing. His response regarding his mother was at first dismissive, saying, "I had a great Mom." But later, after describing her ambitious career, he amended his appraisal by adding a small, though telling, caveat, "I had a great Mom, when she was there." His tone of voice so mirrored his description of the women he dates that I half expected him to add "I wish she would just tell me if she likes me or not."
Of course, one anecdotal conversation is hardly grounds for a diagnosis, but the conversation got me thinking about the dozens of other interviews I had done with men, and how they pointed to attachment theory. I wondered about the early life experiences of men who described women as "too needy and smothering," or others who seemed to crave an instant fusion and rejected a woman if she didn't have sex with them on the first date. I remember a particularly poignant interview with a man who, in an unemotional monotone, described a mother, who "as long as he could remember," was detached and uncaring. This man was thirty-nine years old, an exceptionally wealthy investment banker, and none of his adult romantic relationships had ever exceeded nine months -- the length of a pregnancy.
Attachment theory holds so many keys to adult romantic pair bonding. The unique mating dance of couples is choreographed by the internal world of both partners, creating, in the end, a performance that runs the gamut from an embracing waltz to one where the dancers continually step on each others feet. It is a reflection of the secret world of an infant and parent, played out again, with a grown up body and a new kind of mother -- a lover.
Longitudinal studies have illuminated this mystery and put theory into the hands of calculable science. Geneticists have probed the biological mysteries of our selves and even ascribed a kind of attachment promise to a gene. But all this research supporting the strong ties between parenting and pair bonding is not a death sentence for love. Insecure attachment organization is not irreversible. New techniques in couples therapy and the healing power of a good therapeutic relationship can go a long way to repairing the damage done at the crib.
History of Attachment Theory
In his book, Becoming attached, (1998) author Robert Karens sums up well the work of the pioneers of attachment theory. From the birth of attachment theory with such thinkers as John Bolwby, Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, came the notion that a trusted person, an attachment figure, offers an infant a secure base. A child whose needs are met with appropriate attention, affection and empathic words will grow to trust the world and to trust relationships and translate that feeling of trust to a romantic partner in adult life. John Bowlby, an English psychotherapist from the first part of this century, is often called the father of attachment theory. He believed that the ties to the parent gradually weaken as the child gets older and that the secure base function is slowly shifted to other figures, eventually resting on one's mate.
This tendency of the child to attach in the ways she was attached to, happens because the functions of attachment become an internal property of the child herself. In other words, we are often unaware of our own attachment style. Attachment theory involves a way of relating to others based on communications and behaviors of both parents in the first years of life. These "messages" about how to love are then combined with a child's own interactions with each parent and becomes an influential cognitive structure -- a hard wired piece of our personality.
And researchers have categorized people based on three principal patterns of attachment. The first is a pattern of secure attachment in which the person is confident that a parent (usually Mom) will be available, responsive, and helpful. The second is that of anxious resistant attachment in which the individual is uncertain if a parent will be available and because of that uncertainty, is prone to separation anxiety and anxious about exploring the world. The third pattern is an anxious avoidant attachment in which the individual has no confidence that when she seeks care, she will be responded to, and on the contrary, expects rejection.
Jean Leidloff (1986), an American writer who spent two and a half years observing Tauripan Indians, an indigenous, self-sufficient people in the Venezuelan jungle has a less academic, though no less convincing, description of how an insecure internal working model shows up in adult attachments. Leidloff (1986) found the following:
For people with extensive requirements - people whose early lives have left them without enough fulfillment even to compensate satisfactorily with another person and his needs - the search for a mate is often a sad and endless one. They have been betrayed in infancy and their longings are wide and deep. The fear of being betrayed again can be so strong that the moment there is danger of finding a companion, they flee in terror to avoid putting the candidate to the test and being reminded, unbearably, that they are not lovable in the unconditional way that they require.
To put a scientific eye on something most attachment theorists know intuitively, Roisman, Madsen, Hennighausen, Sroufe and Collins (2001) created a longitudinal study to test whether attachment patterns generalize across salient relationships. In the study, adolescents (age 19) were classified using the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI; George, Kaplan, & Main, 1985) and later observed with romantic partners in young adulthood. The results demonstrated significant associations between the adolescents' representations of their parent-child dyad and the later quality of their romantic relationships. As part of the same study a separate test was established to look for across-time correlations between a set of observed parent-child dyadic behaviors and romantic relationship behaviors in adulthood. A group of thirteen year olds were assessed through observation, interacting with their parents. The dyadic behaviors were classified and cataloged. Later, this same group was assessed at the age of 21 interacting with romantic partners. Results were consistent with the theory that salient parent-child experiences are internalized and carried forward into adult relationships.
As if developmental studies are not enough, even biologists support a kind of theory of attachment, though one with a genetic link. Fonagy (2001), a developmentalist, speaks to the current excitement in the scientific community of the Human Genome Project. In his article, he outlines the current array of nativist views that, on face value, seem to contradict traditional attachment theory by claiming that attachment patterns are genetic. Supportive evidence includes studies of personality similarities in twins raised in non-shared environments. Fonagy (2001) then makes a compelling case for the interdependence of nature and nurture saying that all development is a gene-environment interaction and that early attachment experiences may be key moderators of the expression of an individual genotype. In other words, the environment itself may trigger behaviors that are genetically predisposed. Fonogy believes that behavioral genetics studies the "wrong" environment, that of the observable, objective environment, rather than the secret world of the child's interpretations. The child's experience of the environment is what counts.
So, while geneticists can hypothesize that secure or anxious attachment styles may be genetically predetermined, Fonagy, points to excellent evidence from rhesus monkeys (Suomi, 2000) that genes for anxious personality traits are only given expression if the infant is deprived of normal maternal care. Although there seems to be a strong genetic component to adult security of attachment, Fonogy still places emphasis on parenting styles as environmental triggers that activate a dysfunctional gene.
Even Destiny Can Be Repaired
Identifying a problem is half the battle in treating an ailment. Research is beginning to support the idea that biology, or internal working models, for that matter, are not always to be the eternal destiny of the individual.
Lewis' (2000) three studies of the most common dyadic relationships associated with personality growth suggests that a strong affective bond in adulthood, along with the reparations made after ruptures, were both key to healing attachment injuries. The three kinds of relationships that he studied were infant-mother attachments, the therapist/patient alliance, and the marital relationship. He identified these strong relationships as a source of healing that could create change in an individual's internal working model. Crucial to growth, according to Lewis, is the presence of ruptures in the empathic connections. Since it is impossible for two partners to be completely attuned to each other all the time, ruptures are inevitable in close relationships. Indeed, it is through the verbalization and exploration of the ruptures, where growth can occur. When a partner with insecure attachment organization receives a positive, and unexpected reaction from her partner (or child, or therapist) and that reaction is repeated in a consistent way, then it becomes internalized as a new mode for attachment.
This idea is supported by Wieselquist, Rusbult, Foster, Agnew (1999), who examined the associations between commitment, pro-relationship behavior, and trust in close relationships using a model of interdependence. The researchers found that commitment inspired acts, such as a willingness to sacrifice self-interest, increased trust and that dependence promotes strong commitment. Although their work was not done from a perspective of attachment theory their findings seem to foreshadow Lewis' (2000) contention that healing can come through the expression of vulnerabilities and unexpected sacrifice in an intimate relationship. An interesting note regarding Wieselquist (et al) is that auxiliary analyses of their data revealed that self-reported attachment style didn't account for much variance. I question the researchers' methods of eliciting the self-reports and wonder how much variance would have occurred if the participants had been given the AAI. Also, I wonder if the nature of the study, a focus on interdependence, would have made anxious-avoidant individuals unlikely to volunteer. Even with these concerns, I think the primary conclusion of the study, that interdependence creates mutual cyclical growth, is a valid point.
In a paper on attachment injury as it relates to couples therapy, Johnson, Makinen and Millikin (2001), suggest that couples therapists look closer at attachment reinjuries that may be occurring when an impasse in couples therapy is reached. The authors create an operational definition of the construct of attachment injury, specifically, when one partner violates the expectation of another in times of danger or great need. The injurious incident then defines the relationship as insecure and maintains relationship distress. By separately identifying attachment injury events and incorporating attachment repair into their ongoing model of resolution, Johnson (et al) believe that a couples therapist can affectively treat attachment injuries and the therapeutic impasses that they create.
Clearly, scientific evidence that supports attachment theory and it's predictions for adult relationship function, continues to mount. As longitudinal studies begin to look at human development later in the lifespan, I suspect that even more credence will be given to the work of Bowlby, Ainsworth and Main. More fascinating to this author is the clinical data that examines the repair process of attachment injuries. Poor attachment patterns are not a prescription for a life of solitude. Through the healing power of therapy, a supportive, securely attached mate, or even the love of a child, the mysterious internal representation of self and other, can be transformed.
|
|
|
 |
|
Dr. Wendy Walsh's interest is Attachment Theory, a psychological, evolutionary and ethological theory for understanding interpersonal relationships. Dr. Walsh's mission is to help people find true emotional intimacy, have satisfying sex lives, and raise healthy children, in a world where the shape of families, couplings, and communication styles has changed dramatically.
|
|
|
 |
 |
|
 |
|
The Girlfriend Test is the ultimate guide to being a better date and a better mate. It is a chance for women to look at their own dating blunders on the road to commitment. |
|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
|
 |
|
The BoyfriendTest is the definitive tool foir any woman intent on choosing the right man to be her best friend and lover. |
|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
|
"Well done, Ms. Walsh! Today I saw your entertaining interview on The Early Show, CBS. You convinced me - at the gym running on the treadmill facing the tv - to check out your website. Tired of narcissistic men (save me please from these assholes), I am planning now to buy your book. Very good interview, sister."
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
