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How to Wait For Him to Call After a Great Date
By Wendy L. Walsh Ph.D.
Oh, the waiting. The waiting. I think the act of waiting for someone we like to call us back is probably one of the most excruciating pains a woman can feel -- especially one who has a somewhat anxious attachment style. I know this feeling intimately because it was the battle cry that sent me into therapy. Okay, waiting for a call, or email, or letter from a boyfriend who was seven seas away from me, was part of my anxiety, the other was that I had not properly mourned the death of my parents. Both feelings, by the way, are part of the same thing --- separation anxiety.
When a loved one (or an object of our infatuation) fails to call us back promptly, the feelings it triggers are as visceral as when a newborn child awaits Mommy's arms and breast. It is a horrible, frightening pain. It is the most basic and primal fear of a human being, the loss of another whom we think is part of ourselves. And it is understandable. For in his presence we are transformed into the perfect woman. We feel beautiful. We feel smart. We feel funny. We feel sexy. We are the perfect date. Until the date ends and the days of waiting for his call start.
Then who do we become? A sad date? A lonely date? An unworthy date? The reigning question in our minds is, "Why doesn't he feel as happy in our presence as we do in his?" But that is only the first stage of separation anxiety. It gets worse.
Next we beat ourselves up by reliving the date in our heads and finding fault with our own behavior. Well, if I hadn't said this... if I hadn't been clumsy about that... if I had worn something different... then maybe he would call.
Then we hit the angry stage of separation anxiety. We take all those unfair criticisms of ourself and transfer them to him and become angry. I can't tell you how often my anxiety-ridden head has screamed, "He's messing with me! He knows how much this hurts and he's doing this deliberately to put me at a disadvantage!" Separation anxiety has become anger, just as it did to the infant left at the crib to cry alone. Sometimes our anger becomes so extreme that we blanket it across the entire male species. When one guy doesn't call, we hate ‘em all. If you're like me, you might have even fantasized the wish that one of your trusted girlfriends would grow a penis, so you could marry her and be sexually satisfied too. This anger stage is a hard one, girl. I've lived through it enough times to tell you, it ain't pretty. The final stage of separation anxiety has two paths. The first one is easy, though not growth enhancing. The second is painful though truly helpful.
The first path is one of protection. We vow to never become too intimate with a date ever again. We learn to hide our feelings. We shut down just a little. Instead of feeling the pain of separation we focus on self-consoling acts like shopping, gossiping, working out, eating (or not eating), working, or, my personal favorite, pursuing other men. We replace the feelings of abandonment with artificial feelings of beauty, health, and prosperity. Do this enough times with enough rejecting men and you will become a non-feeling android. I promise.
By the way, should your date call back during this stage, you will be too protective and less emotionally available -- and ultimately less attractive to him. Separation anxiety can be so self-sabotaging.
The second path involves connecting with surrogate figure who you really trust. A close girlfriend, a therapist, your children, if you have them. If you've been able to allow yourself deep feelings of connection within these kinds of strong relationships, then you will be reminded of your value simply by being in their presence. Now, I'm not suggesting that you tell your child about your broken heart -- children are too young to handle that emotional burden. But spending some quality time with one who regards you as omnipotent is a great path to healing.
Finally, after the passing of time, along with maybe some deep meditation and/or some fortifying therapy, you will start to feel good about yourself again -- without him. What a great feeling that is. Complete self-esteem without the approval or adoration of another. It is a state of self-love. You're back. Phshew!
Then he finally calls. And after some time feeling satiated and another date, the whole cycle can start all over again. We can again become an object of his love, not ours. So how do we keep from losing a part of ourselves every time a man doesn't call back? How do we not let our dates walk away with the best part of us while we wait, with an amputated heart, by the telephone? The only way is to create deep intimacy in the other relationships in our lives -- our girlfriends, our siblings, an older, wiser friend, our children, and our therapists. Know that you are loved and lovable, and in times of vulnerability, these loving relationships will remind you of that. Then pick up the phone or send him an email -- once -- telling him how much you enjoyed him.
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If you really gave it some thought, would you say that you are a full-fledged Daddy's Girl or queen of the Girls Girls? On dates do you wear your best Barbie Doll outfit, or are you the proper Miss Priss?
Check out if you are really dateable or not.
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The Girlfriend Test is the ultimate guide to being a better date and a better mate. It is a chance for women to look at their own dating blunders on the road to commitment. |
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The BoyfriendTest is the definitive tool foir any woman intent on choosing the right man to be her best friend and lover. |
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"Well done, Ms. Walsh! Today I saw your entertaining interview on The Early Show, CBS. You convinced me - at the gym running on the treadmill facing the tv - to check out your website. Tired of narcissistic men (save me please from these assholes), I am planning now to buy your book. Very good interview, sister."
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