How to Make Someone Love You

frustrated young business manIt’s the email I get at least ten times a week, from a man or a woman or a teen or even an elderly person. It’s written from the place of a broken heart, because the object of their desire isn’t paying attention to them or has severed relations with them all together. And their email always ends the same similar way, “How to I make someone love me?” or “How do I win them back?”

They want me to wave a relationship expert wand and assign a few magical words to bring them perfect love and heal their broken heart. But I never do. Instead I ask the writers of those emails to swallow a bitter pill and trust me. Here is the bitter pill: Someone else’s love is never a replacement for self love.

When you are longing, you have lost a connection with your own deepest wisdom. You’ve probably gotten out of touch with nature, and family, and deep trusted friendships, and instead are wallowing in the fantasy that love from one specific person will solve it all. And it will. Though, not for long.

How do you make someone love you? Easy. Replace the “someone” with YOU. I know. It sounds trite and pop-psyche, this idea of self love, but it really is the most important love you will ever attain. When you are filled up with confidence, and self-respect, and self-acceptance, your behaviors toward every living thing will become increasingly positive and loving. You will be able to release anger toward those who have wronged you, and forgive them. You will look into the eyes of a neighbor and ask his first name. You will become active in your community, all for good. You will be calmer in a traffic jam. You will stop more often to hear birds singing and the wind filtering through leaves. You will find peace.

And then love will find you. It may not come from the source or soul where you once hung your anxious hat. It may not even come from a romantic relationship. But if you are truly, deeply, honest and calm and in love with the imperfection that is your own humanity, love will find you. I promise.

WATCH MY VIDEO: HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE

 

What’s Love Lab? (Hint: It’s my passion)

dr-wendy-walsh-reporter-cnn-keynote-address-idate-internet-dating-conference-2014-las-vegas-131If you’ve been reading my blogs you know that my passion is bringing scientific news about human mating to the masses. I’m on a mission. I want EVERYONE to have healthy, supportive personal relationships. And I believe a strong bond is a basic human right. So, for years I’ve been giving free information here on my website, on my YouTube Channel, and on television on three continents.

But now I’m coming out from behind me camera and keyboard and meet you in person. And to entice you, I’ve created an entertaining live show called Love Lab LIVE! that will rock your world. On April 18th, 2015, at The Edye Theater in Santa Monica, join me for an intimate evening where science is put to the test on everyone’s favorite subject: Love and Sex.  I’ve created some live social experiments based on real research, have added a kick-ass panel, each with their own specialty in relationships — a couples psychologist, a sexologist, and a dating coach who helps women understand how men think.

The evening will include three social experiments:

1. The Mate Status test — How do people get mates who seem out of their league? I’ll show you the strategy with ten willing participants. And, I’ll share the big differences between why men and woman choose (or trade in mates.)

2. The Pheromone Test – Can a woman choose a better mate with her nose of her eyes? Learn how your immune system and your body order triggers your brain to become sexually attracted.

3. The Divorce Predictor Test – Which kind of couples have the relationship chops to buck the statistics and avoid divorce?

Finally, we’ll open the mic to the audience who can ask our experts anything. This event is for singles, couples, and ever threesomes. And, I am sooo looking forward to meeting you in person. So, if you live in Los Angeles, on April 18th, I fully expect you to get off Facebook, Twitter and Email and get face to face with some real science of love.

GET YOUR TICKETS HERE!

Your Mind Can Fix Your Relationship Problems

Unhappy young couple having an argumentIt’s kind of funny that when people have relationship problems, they tend to spend a lot of time blaming. Blaming their partner. Blaming their parents for divorcing and leaving no roadmap for conflict. Blaming the internet for enticing a cheater. Even blaming themselves for “falling” for a non-compassionate  partner. Blaming. Blaming. Blaming.

But, what if I told you that no one is to blame? Ever. What of I told you that relationships are really the mind’s jungle gym, a work out for your awareness, and that no one can fail at a work out.

I will tell you this: Every relationship that you’ve ever been involved in, your mind chose. On some conscious or unconscious level you chose a partner to grow with, and more importantly, you chose to believe the script that the two of you lived out. And, in plenty of cases you chose your worse fear, just to see if you could survive that. The mind is a funny thing.

So you entered your mind’s gym — your relationship — you suited up (maybe even in a bridal gown or tuxedo) and you dove in deep. Except the gym’s instruction manual was a tad tattered. You tried your friends advice, you tried your parents’ way, you even tried some of Dr. Wendy’s “tips.” But still you couldn’t get that partner to behave in the way that matches your relationship schema. You had relationship problems. And, it sure didn’t feel the way you had envisioned your perfect relationship would feel. Okay, so that’s normal. But let me ask you one thing?

Did you grow?

Your workout in the mind’s gym isn’t designed to bring you bliss. There’s no pain without gain. Relationships aren’t a spa! They are a character stretcher that can build a stronger sense of awareness, beef up your compassion, and create rock hard intuition. Do you know yourself better now? Maybe you caught a glimpse at how you trigger those very behaviors you abhor in your partner. Maybe you realized that you fell in love with superficial things that don’t nurture your soul.

But what you didn’t do is only imagine the best. You probably didn’t reward yourself with the idea that a good enough partner in a good enough relationship can bring joy, contentment, and feelings of security.  You also may have spent way too much time judging them and trying to get her him or her to behave in a certain way, instead of loving the best parts of your partner. Or, you simply learned that you will choose different next time. Oh, then you’ll enter a whole new gym. Enjoy the work out.

I’ve lost my way….

BeachLove. It’s the thing I write about and the thing I read about most. I teach that attachment injuries can be healed and most loving behaviors can be trained. I spend a lot of time examining the neurochemistry of love. And, I believe that knowledge about love is the first step toward experiencing it.

But I am wrong.

Understanding love isn’t the first step. Being love is. Love is the essence of who we are. It’s the primal instinct of a newborn baby — to feel peace, love, joy and to reach for safe bonds. It’s the psychological place where humanity begins. Love is your very core.

 

But operating from a place of love can get really tricky sometimes. Your gentle, trusting nature may have been been beaten down by critical parents, abusive relationships, or even the high-speed shallowness of a world driven by technology. In response, you struggle with your intelligent mind to make sense of things. You read relationship blogs. You buy relationship books. Maybe, you’ve even watched some of my YouTube videos about dating, mating and relating. All good things to do. But this still isn’t love.

It’s time to get back to basics. This morning I was meditating on my beautiful beach in California. The sun played peak-a-boo through my fuzzy eyelashes. The warm breeze tussled my hair and teasingly stroked my arms. Surfers floated on long boards awaiting the next wave and a toddler squealed with joy at the break water. And I felt love. I felt the love of everyone of you who has ever read my words (and especially from those of you who have taken the time to write to me.) I felt the love of my dear intimate friends and family, so grateful for their kindness.  And I experienced the love of the world.

Then I felt it burning inside of me. My essence. My nature. My human desire to be of service and live a life that leads with love first. And this is why I struggle with the fact that love, for me, is also partially commercial. In the next few weeks, you’ll hear a lot about my plans to expand my platform and reach more people with more advice and tools to help them live more loving lives. But don’t get me wrong. Love is at the heart of everything I do. Yes, I’ve been in entrepreneur mode, busy creating online workshops, planning my Love Lab LIVE! event, giving a big offer on one of my books, and building AskALoveGuru.com, my new marketplace for relationship professionals, but I haven’t lost sight of my mission. To increase love between people. And it starts by reconnecting with the love that is already in you.  Maybe today is the day to stop, breath, and feel love. I did. And it sure feels good.

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Marcia Gay Harden Fifty Shades of Grey Debate

Marcia and WendyIt’s not often that a busy single mother of three is faced with taking time out to learn about the practices of bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism. But that’s the place Academy Award Winning Actress, Marcia Gay Harden found herself in when she accepted the role of Christian Grey’s mother in the much anticipated Fifty Shades of Grey  film (opening nation wide today.)

And like a consummate professional, Ms. Harden reached out to a relationship expert for research. I am honored to tell you that we had a cup of tea in my garden and a lady-like chat about leather, bruises and other matters of the heart. The questions the actress wrestled with were the very ones that dominate our national discourse in the wake of the film’s release.

“Doing 50 shades make me curious about the relationship between pain and pleasure,” she said. “And, of course, is that different from the difference between pain and love?”

Good questions. The truth is there is a world of difference between intimate partner violence and safe, sane and consensual  fetishism. But, strangely, both can contain love. The problem lies in the definition of love held in the secret chambers of the individual mind. Those with traumatic childhood events often have a schema of love that brings them back to the scene of the crime, re-traumatizing themselves with unhealthy adult relationships. For those with scar-free childhoods, there’s some evidence that S&M behaviors may arise because fear and sexual excitement are roommates in the amygdala. The neuropeptides vasopressin and oxytocin regulate a variety of behaviors including maternal  bonding, adult romantic bonding and, yes, aggression and fear, suggesting that in our anthropological past fear and sex may have sometimes been intertwined.

While Harden admits that clearly “It’s not my world,” and politely sidesteps the debate about whether legal consent was obtained in the story, she is quick to point out that “The movie doesn’t say this relationship is okay. It’s the ultimate fantasy: let’s tame a bad boy. And maybe let’s expand the horizons for the good girls.”

But back to her original question about love and pain. Pondering the experiences of the film’s heroine, Anastasia Steele, Marcia Gay Harden Fifty Shades of Grey seems to come to her own conclusion. “At the end of the day, Anastasia doesn’t feel loved. She questions “why would you hurt me”, and she draws an adamant boundary. That is something all young people need to learn to do…. set and maintain their boundaries.”

If you’d like to learn about healthy love, checkout my online video workshop Ten Steps to Mindful Love.