Open Letter to Rupert Murdoch

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Dear Mr Rupert Murdoch

I am the woman who was a guest on Fox news and was sexually harassed by your employee, Mr. Bill O’Reilly in 2013. You may be aware that my attorney, Lisa Bloom, and I have spent a few days in London speaking with members of the British media and giving testimony to OfCom regarding your takeover of Sky TV. You may be wondering why I doing this. I am not after money and I have no legal claim.

The truth is I’m a big girl. I can survive an episode of sexual harassment. And even though I’m a single mother and have no trust fund, I am confident I can continue to make enough money to take care of my children in this world without the help of Fox News. But what I don’t like is the systematic way your company has silenced female employees with non-disclosure agreements, further injured victims of sexual harassment by removing them from their jobs and, in many cases, completely derailed their careers. All the while, you kept the men who victimized them and all their accomplices in their jobs. I believe that your corporate culture felt that paying tens of millions of dollars to victimized women was just the cost of doing business.

At the same time I watched your network going after high ratings by sexualizing your news presenters with hair, make-up and wardrobe that rival street walkers. Many of those competent employees are highly educated women with advanced degrees. In doing so, you led an entire industry in competing with you for news viewers to create harmful role models for our daughters. This is why I continue to speak out. I don’t want to see the Foxification of Sky, nor anymore waves of your hand telling the BBC that “Nothing is going on at Fox.”

The last time you nearly took over Sky and were stopped by the famous phone hacking scandal, you reacted in a very different manner. You shut down the newspaper responsible for the crimes (though you soon after replaced it with a the Sun) and you took full page ads out in newspapers, apologizing to the British people and the victims.

But this time there is a clear under-reaction, just a little bit of last minute housecleaning in the week’s before OfCom’s recommendation and no restitution to the victims of your sexist corporate system.

Mr. Murdoch, this is the time to be on the right side of history when it comes to women’s rights. Here’s how you could do this:

  1. Unmuzzle the victims. Give them back their voices.
  2. Give them back their jobs if they want them.
  3. Take out a full page ad in the New York Times apologizing to women everywhere.
  4. Finally, respond to this letter by allowing me to interview you in a televised interview.

You’ve made enough money with our faces, bodies and images. It’s time to treat us the competent employees that we are, not office sex toys.
Sincerely,
Dr. Wendy Walsh

Love Like a Super Attacher (Someone with a secure attachment style)

Black Couple SleepingDespite what romantic movies, TV shows, and books tell you, love isn’t something that simply happens. It is a work of art created by you. Really. Finding love is less about meeting the right person and more about acquiring the habits of what I call a super-attacher. People with good relationship skills and healthy attachment behavior, who believe they are lovable, are the ones suddenly finding love, as singles often perceive it.

So how can you begin to learn healthy attachment behaviors and find the relationship you want and deserve? It all starts with understanding what attachment style is and how it affects relationships.

Each of us comes into the world with a biological predisposition to attach to people in a certain way ? some babies require more closeness and care than others. During the crucial first year of life, when our brains triple in size, we start to form a hardwired blue print for love based on how our caregivers respond to our needs. Then, in our adult romantic life, we attempt to replicate that version of love, even if, believe it or not, it was filled with feelings of loss or pain. Trying to replicate that love is what causes millions of singles to seek out help from coupled up friends, speed dating events, dating advice articles, and reviews of dating sites from places like DatingAdvice.com. Once we find our preferred venue for replicating that love, attachment style is the invisible force that prompts us to swipe right on someone we like or say hello to a stranger we find attractive. Attachment style is also the invisible force that determines whether or not we get into roller-coaster relationships with extreme highs and lows or not.

At the top of the mating heap are super-attachers. These people have whats known as a secure attachment style. Secure people tend to have high self-esteem. They are comfortable sharing feelings with friends and lovers. When they are suffering, they seek out social support. They take responsibility for their actions and are known for having a lot of empathy. Best of all, they have trusting, lasting relationships.

If you dont exactly fit the profile of a super-attacher, there are three simple things you can do that should help transform your dating life:

  1. Give Care Without Having Strings Attached

Yes, be an authentic nice guy or nice gal, not one whose kindness comes from fear that someone will bolt or who uses a manipulative tactic to get someone to like them. Instead, be kind, expecting nothing in return except your own sense of high self-esteem. Enjoy the ego boost. Love just for the sake of loving and youll like yourself better.

  1. Receive Care Happily

The next time you are feeling under the weather or under a lot of stress, call in for backup. Reach out to friends and family members. I know this can be very hard for some people, but learning to have interdependent social support is great practice for one-on-one love. Let the people in your life know what you need and allow them to take care of you.

  1. Dont Take Anything Personally

If you often get emotionally hijacked by sudden feelings of abandonment or rejection, I have four words for you:?Its never about you.?There is always another side to every story, and trust me, people are more concerned with their own stuff than yours. So take a deep breath, and use every feeling of rejection as an opportunity to practice self-consoling. Remember, its never personal.

Learning to have healthy attachments is the key to having a long and happy relationship ? and life in general. Because when you love better, you live better. By the way, if you are curious about what kind of attachment style you have, you can?take the quiz here.

LISTEN TO THE DR. WENDY WALSH SHOW ON KFIAM 640 LOS ANGELES. Listen from anywhere on the iHeartRadio app or online at www.KFIAM640.com

Love For Sale – Buyer Beware When it Comes to Online Dating

Man looking shocked at computerIt may sound seriously unromantic to think of your heart as a targeted consumer, but the advent of love as commerce is upon us. From legitimate online dating sites and apps that promise to help you find the perfect match, to professional wingman services that will create your profile or even pose as you online until they collect the coveted phone number?and finally, to the dark world of online dating scams. Rest assured, the commercial choices don’t end once you are coupled up. Hit a bumpy patch in your relationship, or feeling nutty during a divorce, and relationship coaches, marriage counselors and even conscious uncouplers stand at the ready online to serve you. Not to worry if your relationship breaks up anyway, there is an army of free wisdom at DatingAdvice.com.

 

The business of love is an answer to a growing market of single people emerging across the lifespan. Simply put, we are outliving our relationships. When til death do us part was invented, death was pretty imminent. Increasing life spans mean that even the most monogamous may find themselves living through two or even three long-term relationships with stints of single and dating in between. Add to that, the fact that prosperity means women and men need marriage less for economic reasons, and being children of divorce, are wary of bad partner choices. Thus, there are more unmarried adults in America than ever before. And trust me, most are busy dating, and too many become victim to online dating scams falling for fake profiles and false words designed to get your heart strings to send money. Like any service industry, the relationship industry has its pro and cons and even a few buyer beware warnings.

 

Undoubtedly the biggest advantage to online dating is that it instantly ushers mates into a huge pool of romantic opportunity that might not be found nearby. It also helps people narrow down the field by allowing strategic searches. Want a woman who loves to fish Bass? Maybe shes on PlentyofFish.com? Want a guy to sit in a pew with you? Hell likely be on ChristianMingle.com. Looking for a kick-ass retirement relationship? Look no further than OurTime.com.

 

But the biggest pro, is also the biggest con. Individuals are still at the controls of their love lives. Online dating gives the illusion that its more scientific and accurate than relying on Cupids bow, but in fact technology has created a paradox of choice. The more choices people are presented with, the more difficult it becomes to make a choice and stick with it. I mean, who eats one entre at a Las Vegas buffet?

 

The answer to all this, is to beat the market for your heart but getting your brain involved. Relationships are much more about skill than luck anyway. How do you acquire better relationship skills, the kind that will find you real love and help you avoid online dating scams? Well, besides expensive therapy, there are a couple absolutely free ways to learn the complicated mating game. You can log onto DatingAdvice.com. The totally free site features daily articles from experts, including dating coaches and matchmakers, as well as Q&A sessions, research studies, and a lively forum. Online, DatingAdvice.com is the authority on all things dating.

 

You can also listen to my radio talk show every Sunday’s from 4-6 pm Pacific time on KFI AM640 Los Angeles. If you are outside of Los Angeles, download the iHeartRadio app to listen from anywhere!

 

 

By the Numbers: The Business of Love

Annual revenue from online Dating Industry: $1,249,000,000.00

Annual revenue from personal matchmaking services $500,000,000.00

Average spent by dating site customer per year $239

Total number of people in the U.S. who have tried online dating 41,250,000

Percent of users who leave dating sites within the first 3 months 10 %

Total annual revenue from professional coaching worldwide is now nearly $2 Billion

 

Boyfriend Test 2nd ed. Coming in Time for Valentine’s Day!

Boyfriend Test
The Boyfriend Test 2nd edition

One of the most crucial relationship strategies is recognizing?early on that someone is not compatible and simply moving on. Putting a date to The Boyfriend Test is step one in the race for a mate. Because every girl knows, bonding with a low-performace boyfriend is a painful lesson. Sadly, about one-third of American woman suffered some kind of abuse in their childhood. Usually that abuse came by the hand of someone they love. So, for many woman love is entertained with pain and they have poor radar when it comes to reading the signs that a guy isn’t good for them.

That’s why I wrote The Boyfriend Test and why it has endured. Coming in time for Valentine’s Day, a fully revised edition of my best selling book!

THE BOYFRIEND TEST IS TOTALLY UPDATED!

Here’s the back cover copy: Girlfriends, are you tired of fretting over the latest lothario who decided he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship — about 24 hours after you changed your Facebook status? Sick of deleting texts from that dream guy you met on Tinder who turned out to be another F-boy? Well, here’s the perfect cure for your many broken hearts — an ounce of prevention in?The Boyfriend Test.? Americas Relationship Expert and television personality, Dr. Wendy Walsh (a dating doyenne who has kissed her fair share of frogs) shows you how to look at yourself, your boyfriend candidates, and couplehood–and put them all to the test.?The Boyfriend Test?helps you evaluate everything from his first-date behavior, his consistency over five dates and a 90-Day probation period. In this fully revised, second edition of her best selling book, Dr. Wendy digs deeper into the nuances involved in tech dating and the influences of attachment style on early dating behaviors. Funny and wise,?The Boyfriend Test?is a must-read for any woman on the brink of starting a new romance, or on the brink of insanity from her current one!

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Screen Shot 2015-06-03 at 11.46.36 AMDr. Wendy Walsh is America’s thought leader on relationships. Her live radio show about relationships airs on the nations most listened to talk radio network KFI AM Los Angeles. A former Emmy nominated co-host of The Dr. Phil spinoff, The Doctors, she is also a regular commentator on CNN and Fox news.

Anatomy of a Broken Heart

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(Originally written for Darling Magazine)

The pain of loss. That sinking feeling of blackness. Lethargy. Tears triggered by engagement ring ads, a reminder of a future interrupted. The cell phone, once a source of a smile and a quiver over the ping of a lovers text, now lies lifeless in hand.

All these symptoms plus a body that responds to an invisible invader. Some people, when suffering from a broken heart, actually experience a temporary disruption of heart function, perhaps a reaction to stress hormones that produce abnormal pumping and pain that mimics a heart attack. But the center of heartbreak syndrome is often the stomach?a hornets nest of thoughts and feelings?it churns around chemical messengers that signal sadness and terror. Its no wonder that psychologists call the stomach a second brain. Its as if our lover has cut an emotional umbilical cord and we are sailing away from Mother, vulnerable, unmoored. Nauseous. We are dying a tiny death.

For most of us, heartbreak is a necessary loss.

Carly Simon once sang that theres more room in a broken heart, and she may well have been singing about the strange empathy that comes with vulnerability. Its not that one needs a serious abandonment episode to become a kinder person. Its just that a fall from the high horse of love drunkenness lands us down to earth, and from here we can have a much clearer view of what drew us to that racehorse in the first place. Simply put, if used correctly, a broken heart can help us know ourselves better. A broken heart can empower us. Heartbreak can shine a light on our unique attachment style. Parts biological and parts psychological?each person has a unique manner of bonding. Some cling. Some avoid. Some can give care but not receive it while others prefer to only take.

Heartbreak is an opportunity for a prickly reality check.

In our sea of tears, free from the fantasy of what was, we can look clearly at how we swam into the deep waters of a love relationship with a partner who was no longer swimming beside us. We can use the sadness to prevent future heartbreak.

Did we move too fast? When the words I love you gush out, between breaths under a duvet, they are not to be believed. This is not the declaration of loyal dedication, nor the workhorse of sacrifice that secure attachments require. This is a rush for definition?an anxious attachment style that clings fast to fantasy.

Perhaps we ignored some important signs. Maybe we moved at a sensible pace but wore carefully adjusted blinders to selectively ignore some signals that our paramour was less than en par. If we tend to become attracted to dodgy lovers who feel like they are always slipping through our fingers and then artfully reel them in for moments of bliss, we are addicted to something that is more challenge than comfort.

Maybe we pushed love away. And what of those of us who coiled away from too much closeness? The feeling of loss is as confusing as it is painful after we worked so hard to not let our lovers cut close to the bone, only to discover they have sliced us through the heart with their final disappearance.

We let our love die. Perhaps, a good solid love was planted and grew strong but we forgot to tend our garden. The years dragged on until one partner simply crumbled under the boredom.

Its time to stop repeating the past.

Our unique blueprint for love is shaped early in life. It is our individual schema or model in our mind. As adults, we seek out partners to play the familiar roles we need to feel again?to match a secure mothers love or to create a conflict that we aim to right this time around. Early attachment theorists believed that we all come into the world with an attachment style that can blossom or die, depending on how it is pricked or prodded by our environment. And our most influential environment is our primary caregiver.

Some babies are born simply needing more care, attention and contact. Indeed, some children stay drunk on separation anxiety, weaving against mother or daddys trousers long after others have bounded off in search of frogs or flowers. And how parents react to their needy baby is crucial. Patience and kindness can program even the most anxious to trust love and later seek out gentle lovers. But a too-early push or a failure to console when a bumpy playground fall sends a child running for arms can be a prescription for excruciating longing. For these people, love becomes a journey of rebounding between familiar losses.

But what about those other babies, the ones who are born happily sailing from womb to toddler bed with barely a whimper? All goes well if the rocking arms respect the need to wiggle free. But if Mommy or Daddy have unmet needs of their own?needs to over bundle, stroke intrusively, force a bottle on an already full tummy?then baby might learn that love is smothering and engulfing and must be avoided at all costs. These are the girls who hook up and run from beds, the boys who hide behind the safety of texts. For the avoidant, love demands that one must stand sentry against an invasion and defend or vanish when love gets too close.

Finally, what of the baby of any biological ilk who faces a damaged parent, one with wild emotions (chemically induced or not) who treats a child like a punching bag or a pet or a giant burden to ignore? What of that child? What of that version of love? Sadly, this too becomes a blueprint for attachment issues.

The bad news: We seek out our familiar childhood conflict in adult lovers, some hoping to right a wrong, others playing a painful game of repetition compulsion.

The good news: Attachment injuries can be healed!

As conscious, aware, thinking adults, we can do the emotional work of changing our patterns of love and loss. We can deliberately and thoughtfully date a different kind of lover, one who doesnt give us the familiar thrill of a rocky roller coaster ride. We can find an understanding therapist to walk with us through the uncharted territory of safety, gentleness, care.

But when you are in the depths of despair, when the future looks bleak, it is important to recognize this as a gift. It is an awakening. Heartbreaks are a special opportunity to meet your complicated inner world, to make peace with old paths, and forge a new journey. The most important relationship you will ever have is one with yourself. This may well be the year that you learn to be a tender mother to your own psyche, offering forgiveness, consoling and new awareness.