Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Five Questions to Ask Yourself Before Your Tear Your Family in Half
Couple Back to back with problemsA recent report showed that since the recession, the divorce rate in America is the lowest it’s been in 30 years. Divorce is an expensive business and maintaining two households can get steep. So instead, couples are taking a closer look at their relationship flaws and asking themselves if their marriage is “good enough” to stay. If you are in that situation, here are five questions to ask yourself before you tear your family in half.

1. Am I leaving because of boredom or excitement about meeting someone new?

You should know your notions about marriage are up against a media that spins fantasies about youth, beauty, money and sex. If you believe in the family life created by TV and movies, all partners stay fit, youthful, happy and rich. Unfortunately in real life many partners grow chubby, bald, fall into depressions, and lose money in a recession. Sexual energy gets diverted to nesting energy and the excitement of your youthful love affair morphs into a the drudgery of married life. If you answered “yes” to this question, the answer isn’t a new partner, it’s a new system. And you have the power to charge your “good” relationship.

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Neil Strauss, Author of “The Game,” Finally Writes “The Truth”

y450-293If you’re a dude, you’ve probably heard of the book, THE GAME, Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick up Artists (2005). The non-fiction book follows author, Neil Strauss on a personal transformation from self-described, “average frustrated chump” to “pick up artist” to eventually reaching the top of the heap, “pick up guru.” It’s the age-old game where the average man, evolved to want sex more than the average woman, learns to extract sex from women using a few psychological tricks, all laid out neatly by the pros. Basically, it’s the boy bible. (If you happen to be a one-woman man looking?to meet and connect with just one woman, the advice can easily be adapted and you can win the girl.) The book shot to the top of the New York Times bestseller list.

Fast forward a decade and Strauss, the guru of genital poaching is entering sex addiction treatment because his girlfriend just walked out on him for cheating. Thus begins THE TRUTH, An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships, the fascinating, brutally honest saga of one man’s search for answers about love and commitment. And, like a good journalist, Strauss finds the right way to love by first experiencing every wrong way — Paris sex clubs, hippy free-sex communes, his own harem, and even trying to negotiate making a baby without love or a relationship. Eventually he brings the reader to a serious study of his own mommy issues that were the route of his relationship woes in the first place. Only after healing himself can he track down the love of his life and begin the work of real intimacy. The book is my favorite kind of read: sexy chapters peppered with the science of relationships. Trust me, THE TRUTH, will set you free.

Listen to my interview with Neil Strauss here:


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Want to learn the science of relationships that Neil Strauss learned? Take my online workshop, THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HUMAN MATING.

The Cheapest Way to Transform Relationships (And society)

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 3.52.59 PMCould you imagine if someone promised you a guaranteed 18% return on your money? I’ll bet you’d jump at such an impressive investment return, right? That’s what the lawmakers in Minnesota did after they read data by economist Arthur Rolnick Ph.D.. Turns out the best investment any legislator can make is in high grade early childcare and preschool. After crunching the numbers, free baby-care and pre-school paid an 18% return in savings from education, the judicial system, and health care. Yup. 18%.?This was only part of the data presented at a Think Tank I attended this week hosted by the Simms/Mann Institute.

But what does this have to do with relationships?

The other speakers at the Think Tank were esteemed neuroscientists and attachment researchers who backed up the financial argument for investment in babies and toddlers with startling news about brain development. According to the reams of research they presented, the foundational architecture of the brain is mostly formed by a child’s third birthday.?Disrupted early life bonding, abuse or neglect creates a break down in the brain’s receptors for oxytocin — the bonding hormone — making people who grow up unable to have secure attachments. They fail at relationships because they are missing some basic wiring.

But infants given consistent, empathetic care and emotional mirroring have a better capacity to regulate their own feelings, an increased ability to engage in intimate relationships, and are better able?to recover after relationship ruptures. In plain speak, a secure attachment in early life creates grown-up lovers who can contain themselves, become attracted to people who can love them back, and they fight fair and repair well. By the way, at this juncture, the researchers estimated that about half of us get this kind of early life care at home.

The rest grow up attempting to transform relationships. They ?spend money in therapy, or fighting chronic health conditions linked to stress, or commit crimes related to anger issues, poor impulse control or lack of empathy. And all that is not only bad for relationships, but very expensive for society.

According to Pat Levitt, Ph.D., the Simms/Mann Chair of Developmental Neurogenetics at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, “Investment in child development is the foundation for all prosperous communities. It is simply not cost effective to create plasticity through experiences later in life.”

Economist Rolnick backed up that sentiment, “A key ingredient in economic super powers is early child education. Kids in poverty show the biggest investment return. And the best predictor of successful outcomes for kids is a mother’s education.”

And, I’ll add to that: The best predictor of a healthy adult connection isn’t one’s access to Tinder or It’s ?the care one received aged 0 -3.


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FOR SINGLES: Who Gets Laid on a First Date?

man-drinking-beer-picLet me start with a question, if 100 young men, aged 18-25, go out on a first date tonight, how many do you think will get laid? How many will have sex? How many do you actually think will get to hook up? Think about it. Im waiting, you thinking?

Usually when I give this talk to kids at colleges or my salon parties, where I talk about sex and relationships, Im surprised to hear people say numbers like 70 percent, 80 percent! What this shows is that your brain has been manipulated by the media myth of the hook up culture. The truth is this: one study showed that about 99 percent of college students believed that the typical college students hooks up (having sex without commitment) about twice a year. When in fact, this study showed that only 35 percent of students had only one hook up in the past year. So, how many men, aged 18-25, out of 100 are going to get laid on a first date? 20 percent. That means that 80 percent of the women out there are smart enough not to expose their eggs and their blood stream to a stranger, who they wouldnt even give the keys to their apartment to water their plants while they are out of town!

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Think about it. Sex on the first date is loaded with disaster. In fact, with sex within the first 30 days of meeting someone youve got about a 90 percent chance of breaking up within a year. But the real danger here is that the talk of the hook up culture, this mythology, is dangerous to women because it puts pressure on them to adopt a male model of sexuality. In other words, take any sex, all sex, at any costs. By the way, plenty of guys arent happy with that model either.

Did you know that 25 percent of college students are actually virgins? Yeah! And the third reason they site for abstaining is religion. Number one and two are I dont want a pregnancy or relationship to deter my plans for education and a career. Thats the truth! How many get laid on a first date? Well, young men, 2 out of 10. Those are the A gamers, players, who are out to extract sex from a woman and not necessarily build a healthy relationship.

Picture Ad - 10 Secrets to Mindfulness Reationships?Im looking forward to helping you finally get the love you deserve! I hope youll join my new online workshop on, 10 Secrets of Mindful Relationships. Registration is open now:


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Is “Un-Divorced” The New Marriage?

I have a guy-friend who has been un-divorced for three years. What that means is that he pays all his wife’s expenses while she lives in another (much smaller) house in the same city. They are both dating other people and speak only about practical household matters. When I ask my friend why he doesn’t get divorced, he shrugs his shoulders and says, his wife hasn’t asked for a divorce. I have a few theories on why this couple doesn’t legally pull the plug on their marriage — divorces are expensive, emotionally gruesome, and staying married is a kind of relationship that fulfills an attachment need for those who are more intimacy avoidant.

Apparently my friend’s situation is not unique. While it is difficult to estimate the numbers, a recent article in the New York Times says that “society is full of whispered scenarios in which spouses live apart.” The article even sites famous gazillionaire, Warren Buffet, who separated from his wife in 1977 and remained married to her until her death on 2004, even though he was living with another woman.

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I would venture to say that there are three categories of people who live in this marital limbo. First, wealthy people who stand to suffer financially if a divorce breaks up assets, like companies and real estate holdings. Second, couples with children who are co-parenting, albeit from separate homes, while health and life insurance policies remain intact, and finally, that large group of wishy-washy, can’t-get-off-the-fence Americans who fear intimacy and deep emotional commitment. After all, staying married to an estranged spouse protects one from having to marry anyone else. For some, staying un-divorced is a perfect purgatory where they can maintain a social illusion of a legal pairing, while sowing their oats elsewhere, yet never having to bring the new crop to fruition. For some of these scenarios, according to The New York Times, pressure from a new paramour is the most common cause, finally, of a delayed divorce.

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