Fifty per cent. Yep. It’s no secret that the divorce rate is 50% in America. And that’s for first marraiges. Second marriages have a 67% divorce rate, according to Psychology Today. Clearly, that’s a sobering statistic if you’re sitting at your desk pondering the knock down, drag ‘em out, war of words that you had with your spouse last night. Every married person who hits a rough patch has the same thought pattern. Are we headed for divorce? When is enough, enough?
Well, now social researchers have answered those questions for us. There are a plethora of statistics out that they can help predict divorce. But before I break down some of the research for you, there are also a couple things you should know about statistics. First statistics are really helpful to determine trends but they mostly look backwards. So, simply saying that something has a statistical probability doesn’t mean it’s a given. It means that’s what happened to a significant amount of similar people before.
And there’s one other huge thing about statistics. They rarely look at causality. Most divorce studies compare two factors, like age of marriage and divorce rate, but that doesn’t mean that being young causes divorce. Making stupid decisions in Vegas when you are 23 might lead to a rocky marriage, but plenty of other factors in that rocky marriage get the blame for the break up. Make sense? So, with that disclaimer, here’s the Dr. Wendy Walsh divorce test. If you answer “yes” to most of the questions below, you have a statistical probability of getting divorced:
1. Was your courtship less than one year?
2. Did you live together before marriage?
3. Were either of your parents divorced?
4. Is this your husband’s second marriage?
5. Do you make more money than the husband?
6. Do you keep separate bank accounts?
7. When you fight, do either of you blame, defend or stonewall?
8. Does the husband need to “win” most arguments?
9. Were either of you under the age of 25 when you got married?
10. Do you practice different religions?
11. Are your family and friends unsupportive of the marriage?
12. Do either of you have a heart rate increase and breathing pattern change right before you discuss a conflict?
Again, let me reiterate. A high score doesn’t mean you are guaranteed to spend some heart wrenching days in divorce court. This data might suggest, however, that your marriage may need a little more attention and TLC than others. Some marriages are more vulnerable but no less functional. And sometimes doing the work to keep the marriage strong is just the kind of personal growth both partners need. Marriage therapy can give partners so many tools to help them combat all the struggles that face couples today, and at any stage of a marriage, learning new relationship tools can only make us better people.
There’s one thing that causes every divorce: One or both partners failing to do the work of intimacy and connection. The more intimacy both partners have, the more empathy. The more empathy and understanding, the more fair the fighting — and the more honest the love. And the greater commitment.
Wendy,
Great blogs. I believe in the institution of marriage. However, I think we both know that marriage is a very dynamic concept, especially compared to when our parents married decades ago. I believe adamantly that marriage is for those wanting to create a family, i.e with offspring. Otherwise, why not live together/like you were a married couple, without the legal documentations and ramifications? Some may feel living together and pre-marital sex is immoral/unethical behavior. The very liberal media has for years perpetuated the belief that lives indelibly in people’s minds that divorce and promiscuity are acceptable and the norm. I realize that some women want to marry or remarry for financial reasons, not so much for genuine love and intimacy. Every woman has her reasons, whether we feel they are logical and/or justifiable. I’ve never been married, though my sister is on her third marriage. I’m Catholic and feel that I have some commendable morals and ethics. The world and its values is simply a product of the most influential form of global communication known as the media. Can the media claim partial blame as to the high divorce rates? Change will always start from within the individual. We have all been living in egocentric times. It is no wonder that the divorce rate is 50% for a first time marriage and higher for subsequent marriages. I agree that the lack of intimacy and connection can yield divorce. Those two terms constitute the fabric of all relationships and marriages. And as you’ve stated, the more honest the love in the relationship, the greater and stronger the commitment. Keep up the great work, Wendy!
Why does living together before marriage make you more likely to divorce? I think it helps, as you get to know the ins and outs of living with someone before you commit to marriage. You don’t really know how it is to live with someone until you do it.
Hmmm well 6 No’s, 5 Yes and 1 Yes/No. Question 6 is a yes no because we do keep both joint and separate accounts. I don’t think a little financial independance is threatening in either direction. It can also make it easier for family members. It does require a little more communication but that’s okay. So I guess I landed right in the middle. I’m on my 2nd marriage so I guess my statistics point towards the posibility that I may end up divorced again.
Dr. Walsh,
What is your take on the Bible’s saying that, Marriage is not a democracy with all ruling, including the children? I believe this to be true. However, times/and the world have changed.