Dating. Mating. Relating.

One of my blog readers sent me this article from CNN.com, written by Gretchen Reynolds at Oprah.com. It’s called “Honey I Shrunk the Argument.” It’s about lab research on couples’ conflict being done by Lisa Diamond, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Utah. In Lisa’s lab, couples are hooked up to monitors that record heart rate, respiration changes, and electrical currents that flow across their skin. These indicators of nervous system activity are charted as couples engage in arguments.

The big take away is this: Empathy and humor, are hugely restorative.

Specifically, when a man withdraws during a fight, his nervous system relaxes but his frustrated female partner gets more intense. If she can imagine that he can’t respond, that his withdrawal is his way of coping, and instead focus on her own breathing and heart rate, she’ll calm down and he’ll be able to come out of his shell.

As for humor, the researchers found that  laughter during an argument can help people find their way back into love. Couples who eventually giggle, most often leave the research room holding hands.

For the rest of us, who don’t have expensive electrical monitors and lab technicians to offer feedback, our arguments could benefit from a practice of focussing on our internal body awareness. The next time you feel angry, feel your heart. Listen to your breathing. Then, close your eyes and feel your brain waves. Get control over the congestion before you utter another word.

And then think of the last time you had an all out belly laugh. Yes, go to your happy place. Mine happens to be on a bus in the Canary Islands with two moms, six kids, a smelly fish and a poopie diaper. I still laugh out loud when I think of this.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 28th, 2009 at 9:28 am and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.