There’s a strange misconception going on in our culture and I’d like to clear it up right now so we can all get on with our lives. There seems to be this idea that finding a partner with whom we can exchange mutual care, is about finding a perfect match — a soul mate. This idea has fueled the entire dating industry that includes websites, TV shows, and every romantic comedy that’s ever been written. And this idea of romantic love has also caused many divorces when partners become disappointed that their marriage isn’t filled with “love.”
But let me say it loud and clear: Love isn’t something you search for. Love is something you actively create. You are in the driver’s seat. And you can direct your love on anyone you choose. Need proof? Look at this statistic. There are far more arranged marriages in the world than marriages based on romantic love. The divorce rate for marriages based on love is over 50% and for second marriages based on love the divorce rate is much higher. However, worldwide, the divorce rate in arranged marriages is 4%. Part of this success is due to the cultural factors that help glue the relationship and another part of it is the intellectual commitment made by each partner. But knowing this. Let me ask you, why not arrange your own marriage?
Granted, we are not attracted to everyone we meet. Sexual attraction, which is quite different from love, is a hypnotic cocktail of brain stimuli responding to vision, sound, and pheromones. Each of us has a unique mix of memories from our sexual development that merge together to create our version of a sexually attractive person. But, let’s now ask anyone reading this: Are you sexually attractive in a very narrow group of people. Of course not! We would never have survived as a species if our wiring was so narrowly directed. There are many, many potential partners out there for all of us, both men and women.
Being an active lover means having compassion and empathy for another person and adjusting your behavior to accommodate them. That doesn’t mean having no boundaries and being a doormat. But it also doesn’t mean bailing when the first hint of conflict arises. Love is a decision, not a quest.
I’ll bet if you adjusted your mindset, you could find love today. Hint: It’s all in your head.
There are competing schools of thought here. In one corner is the school of perserverance and dedication. This is the school that encourages “try, try and try again”; “failure is just one step toward success, pick yourself up and get back into the fray”. In relationships and marriage, this school of thought seems to get little attention.
The second school of thought, to which you allude in the last paragraph, is one of “knowing when to quit”. Not every quest, relationship, business, invention is possible. Knowing when to quit, regroup and reevaluate is a skill that unfortunately requires experience and experience requires failure at this determination.
It seems to me that the pendulum has swung too far toward the second school of thought. That it is better to quit, to avoid conflict, to avoid learning and to hope that everything can be a romantic comedy without strife. There is no evaluation and no experience gained so we continue to make the same mistakes.
It goes back to one of my favorite quips: What is the ONE thing that is common about all your failed relationships? YOU