Before I had even completed my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, I had written two dating and relationship books. When I attempted to shop the titles in the TV world, I was told by more than one television executive that the wave of relationship shows had crested. That was in 2005. Poor darlings. They forgot to look out for the sunami that followed. Today relationship news dominates the web, TV, radio, and publishing. So, why are we so crazed to seek out information about love? Two reasons really.
The first is instability. Love, marriage, and relationships are changing at a fast clip. And this is scary. When the divorce rate for first marriages is over 50% and as high as 80% for second marriages, when nearly 40% of American children are born out of wedlock, and when hook-ups have replaced courtship, it’s time to stop and think. There is so much instability in relationships today that we are scrambling to know more, to understand why, and to stop the bloodshed known as heart break. I mean, sixty years ago when our grandparents married they may have unknowingly signed up for a bumpy road, a little repression, a few lost dreams, but they sure didn’t live with a daily fear that on any given day their partner would just quit! This is terrifying.
The second piece is isolation. Our modern culture is losing it’s safety net of community support, as families chase jobs around the globe away from extended family and move away from traditional church communities and fail to develop true intimate friend networks, we feel isolated. And that means we put an enormous amount of pressure on our primary love relationship to do the work of all our emotional support. Yikes! I’d love to say that I could be that for a guy, but really, it’s not humanly possible to be all things to one person. And then when love crumbles, the very isolation that made us cling to our partner, now makes us feel terribly sad and alone. It’s a vicious cycle.
So what’s the answer? To learn to grow a backbone and a bit of alligator skin and tread back into the world of intimacy — everywhere. Not just in our love relationship (although it’s paramount to survival there.) Learning to love and trust, and feel lovable and trust-worthy is the work of intimacy. I encourage you to start today.
Remind yourself how lovable you are and then reach out to share your unconditional kindness and compassion with someone else. And the key word there, folks, is UNCONDITIONALLY. Don’t expect anything back except feelings of pride and respect for yourself. Do this and you’ll see. Things will start to change. Really. Trust me on this.