“I hate him!”
Kids can’t stand your boyfriend? Relationship expert Dr. Wendy Walsh suggests some simple ground rules to keep everyone happy
So, you’ve finally found Mr. Right. He’s romantic, respectful, and even remembers to put the seat down—but there’s one problem. Your children call him Mr. Noway-
no-how. If your little angels are suddenly acting like little devils around your new
man, the first step is to find out why. Could he really be as awful as they say? Listen to your child; you might be surprised by a kid’s perspective. Once, when I pressed my 5-year-old daughter on why she didn’t like my new boyfriend, she very seriously declared that his chin was too big. She was right. This very tall man had never gone
down to her level for her to even see that he had a pleasing face above his imposing jaw line. Luckily that was an easy fix. I simply asked him to sit down more and engage my little one at her eye level. And he did.
One thing to carefully consider is when to introduce your man to the family. I say wait as long as you can. Make sure your new relationship is solid before you bring him near your kids, which can be very stressful for young hearts. And above all, as convenient as it may be, don’t try to fool your kids by having play dates with your boyfriend and his children. They’re not stupid and they know what’s up. Your dates should take place on their own turf. Sni! out the playboys early and eject them from your life immediately. Of course, if your goal is just a little fun, then by all means go for it, but don’t let your kids witnesses any part of this relationship, at all—ever. The sneaky version of this is the playboy who poses as boyfriend material and then vaporizes right after you’ve introduced him to your kids. This can feel like heartbreak all around, so protect your family and put your man through the test of time before exposing your little angels.
I’ve found that there are two main reasons that kids dislike their parents’ dates. First, accepting a total stranger means letting go of the fantasy that mom and dad will reunite. Many kids of divorced parents hold onto this reunion fantasy for decades. The solution here is to talk it out. Bring it up—because they likely won’t ever. Remind them that they will always have two parents who love them, no matter what changes happen in the family. Also, it’s important to know that kids are probably less jealous of your boyfriend and more jealous of your time. Ladies, no matter how much your hormones are spinning for your new guy, don’t forget to make special dates with each child. This will reassure them that mommy is always available. Remember, our kids are our life’s biggest love and sometimes they need to be reminded of that.