Archive for December, 2009

« Older Entries

This is Your Year to Make Change!

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

success-new-yearOn January 2, 2010, millions of Americans will begin their New Year’s Resolutions. In the weeks of January, health club membership sales will soar and the sale of “sin foods,” like chocolate, alcohol, will decline. Yet despite all these great intentions, most people will fail at their resolutions. By February of 2010, most New Years Resolutions will have been abandoned. But not all! Some people will truly succeed in making lifestyle changes. Resolutions are easier for some people because they have a biological predisposition to tolerate change. Some people are born to love change, adapt quickly, and seek new experiences while others are genetically predisposed to stick with a routine and follow the way it’s always been done. But psychologists have studied behavioral change and have come up with a few factors that increase your chances for success.

Seven Factors that Help a Resolution Work :

1. A Desire to Change  – Change must come from inside yourself and you must be in a state of readiness. It does no good if it comes from pressure by your spouse or best friend.

2. An Ability of Change – You must have the tools and skills. i.e. If you can’t read, no amount of desire will help you open the book you’ve been meaning to read. So, prepare yourself for your New Years resolution by acquiring the skills you need to succeed.

3. A Supportive Environment – Do other people want you to change? If you are going to run up against friction from your loved one, in addition to your own internal nay-saying voices, you reduce your chances of succeeding. Move away from non-supportive people. It’s part of every drug and alcohol rehab program — don’t hang out with druggies and bartenders. And if you want to lose weight or save money, forgo outing with spenders and eaters. It’s that simple.

4. Confidence – Studies on change show that those who truly believe they can change, do. Doubters will more likely fail. Believing you can change encourages commitment to the process and enhances the likelihood of success.

5. Instant feedback – We’ve all heard that small, incremental changes are best because they feel less painful and inconvenient but sometimes BIG changes work better because the immediate environmental feedback is so positive. A sudden weight-loss, for instance, brings compliments and better fitting clothes. Those rewards inspire people to continue changing. If you want to kick-off a savings program, start with a big deposit. A hefty nestegg will inspire you to sit on it.

6. A Time Commitment – Habits take time to form. New behaviors must be repeated over and over before they can become habits. Remember to give yourself small rewards instead of a pass or fail grade.

7. Frequent Rewards – Reward behaviors, not results. If you stayed on a 1500 calorie-a-day diet all week and have promised yourself one desert on Friday night, give yourself the reward even if you haven’t lost the three pounds you intended to lose.

Finally, if you “fall off the wagon” look at this as an important part of change, not a permanent set back. Nobody gets it right the first time. It is important to get back to your positive behaviors and not beat yourself up. Feeling like a failure will create one. Feeling like a champion will help you win.

Tags: ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Children of the Recession – The Decline of Consumer-Kids

Thursday, December 24th, 2009

(Note: The Series on Emotional Intimacy Skills will Continue after the Christmas weekend)

kid-holding-money-main_FullThe biggest gift of the recession is the opportunity to re-parent a population of American kids who were growing up in a consumerism craze.

Yesterday I was walking through a festive shopping mall and my eyes were spinning with the exciting displays. My hands almost trembled as I stroked the piles of soft cashmere sweaters and the smooth leather wallets. I was having this fabulous sensory stimulation for one big reason — I hadn’t seen the inside of a shopping mall for about a year. True story. This Mom’s sneaky way to tighten purse strings during the recession was to avoid stores at all costs. (Grocery stores and pharmacies were exempt.) And yesterday I had a new appreciation for the joys of consumerism. Even though my budget was small, the actual shopping experience took on new meaning.

And if it felt this good to me, imagine how my jaded kids who had once used shopping as a play date activity (I know. Shoot me.) will come to appreciate money and stuff.

I like to say there is an opportunity in every crisis. When the money machine that ate our time and our attention screeched to a halt over a year ago, many people panicked. Was this the dawn of another great depression? Then, as time passed and we were all still breathing, eating and exercising, we adjusted our lives to this new world. Now my kids and I have gotten used to this slower way of life and have a new respect for work, money and leisure time. The psychology of money is a learned behavior.

So, beginning last spring, when my kids continued their habit of asking for stuff (Had they not heard about the stock market?) I suggested selling old toys on ebay or holding yard sales. Let me tell ya, those gently used American Girl dolls are like a war survivor’s gold. And what a lesson in entrepreneurial skills to be a shop owner in the free market.

It’s also surprisingly fun to purge our stuff and plan for the mother of all yard sales. Yard sales, which I sheepishly admit,  used be regarded by “moi” as an industry of the lesser class, have today become a cherished family activity. It takes us a whole weekend to sort, price and “stock” our yard. And watching my kids try to upsell a customer (Really, if you’re going to take the shoes, you must have the cute bag too!) is priceless. After the clean up and final load given to charity, I have to say that living with less stuff has felt somehow liberating. There’s room in my house to breath and relax.

I think the greatest gift of this “readjustment” is the gift of time. We share meals with other families far more often. I love to have the time to really build deep relationships. Since all those pricey after school classes have become prohibitive — Really. Do children need to be spinning pottery at 30-bucks an hour? — my kids are now far less scheduled, and far more relaxed. We have had unexpected moments of happiness doing “nothing.” Our summer was spent at the beach being lazy. Just like when I was a kid.

I think this recession is a huge gift to our children. Things had gotten out of control. When a version of Barnum & Bailey showed up for two-year-old birthday parties, and kids owned jeans that cost nearly as much as Mommy’s mortgage payment, well, things were clearly  out of whack. Now are children are learning the wonderful lessons of thrift, value, and the beauty of relationships. Happy New Year!

Tags:
Posted in Family | No Comments »

Loving Your Lover’s Imperfections

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

93 WTF CoupleWe all know the adage: Nobody’s perfect. We all have flaws. Many of them we would like to change. But a few of them are here to stay and all we can hope is that the people who love us will accept this.

I would venture to say that the only time a human being seems to be completely void of flaws is when they are caught in the snare of romantic love. The chemicals associated with sexual attraction cloud our vision and the object of our desire, for a brief few weeks or months, is a perfect partner. But this is one of nature’s tricks to get us attached. Then, as sexual attraction and romantic love give birth to the workhorse of intimacy, companionship, suddenly our partner is not so perfect anymore. Certain flaws crop up in unmistakable focus — our partner is not perfect. He snores, he watches too much sports, or he spends money is a weird way.

The same phenomenon happens with the love for our children, when that perfect newborn with the intoxicating aroma and the peach-fuzz head, starts to morph into a wild child, or a nose picker, or a sloppy kid, or a loud-mouth, or a painfully shy introvert. Granted, part of our job with kids is to help mold them out of bad character traits and get them world ready by the age of eighteen but, as every mother knows, you have to choose your battles and battling a genetic predisposition is often a no-win situation.

Learning to accept the flaws of our loved ones is an important piece in building emotional intimacy. Remember, emotional intimacy is the glue that makes relationships secure — that keeps attachments steady when the world is rocking out of control. And, if you are harboring secret resentments toward your family members’ most personal habits, you will unknowingly cause a leak in your ship. Because even if we think we are concealing our opinions, those pesky prejudices sneak out when we are busy talking and living and loving. The unconscious knows all. And your family members know on some deep level that you don’t truly accept them. That your relationship might be threatened by, say, an outsider who breezes through life without the baggage of your husband. (He’ll have other baggage, of course, but you will be blind to it at the beginning.) And this kind of insecurity is toxic to attachments.

Funny think about our judgements, they are often pieces of ourselves pointed outward. Psychologist’s call it Carl Jung’s “Shadow.” When dark parts of our personalities are too uncomfortable to tolerate, we scan the environment and point fingers at the very thing we are. If you are skeptical about this concept, start to pay attention to the sources of critical gossip. The next time you hear a wagging tongue and see a pointing finger, study the source well. You’ll be surprised and enlightened.

So, to begin a process of learning to tolerate the flaws in your loved ones, write them down. Once the list is complete, place your name at the top of the list. Look at this list and think long and hard about what your wily brain is keeping from your awareness. Tell yourself that you love yourself, all of yourself, even the flawed parts. Then do the same for your family.

Look at their flaws again and this time, flip the trait upside down. Turn the trait into a positive. Whether you believe that the flaw belongs to your family member or to you, find a way to reframe it as a positive. This is the classic glass-half-full philosophy and you’ll need it in your long term committments. Look at these typical household grips:

Flaw: Husband snoring

Positive Reframe: The sweet sound of a husband who is home in bed every night, not fighting in a war or being unfaithful

Flaw: A Stubborn Kid

Positive Reframe: A child who owns her word “No” and will be fortified to stay up to negative peer pressure.

Flaw: A husband who won’t do housework

Positive Reframe: A man who works hard outside and brings home a steady paycheck. A masculine man who is far from being a metrosexual.

Flaw: Addiction to computer

Positive Reframe: A homebody who likes to be near

The list can go on and on. but you get the picture. Now, having said everything I’ve said about flaw acceptance, there can be certain flaws that are so damaging to families that acceptance is not an option. Substance abuse, domestic violence, depression and critical parenting are all systems that must be healed for the family to be healthy. But don’t sweat the small stuff. Long term love is not for the squeamish. It’s for the tough minded and the compassionate.

Tags:
Posted in Relationships | 3 Comments »

Why Shame Looks Good on You.

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

This is the second of a series of blogs on the hot skills to create Emotional Intimacy — the way to make relationships more secure.

images-8Shame. It’s got to be one of the most unpleasant feelings in the human psyche. We do everything to avoid it. Most of our cherished psychological defenses — repression, denial, rationalization, and even humor — are designed to defend ourselves from feelings of shame. Simply put, shame is that uncomfortable mixture of guilt and embarrassment basted with a little self-loathing. It can make even the most omnipotent of us squeamish. But learning to be tolerant of your own shame is crucial to building emotional intimacy with another person.

Here’s why: We are not truly lovable unless we are real. Authentic people are attractive because, believe it or not, only the most healthy, the most confident, can express shame, and still love themselves. And that’s hot. My favorite definition of emotional intimacy is being able to tolerate seeing the flaws in your loved ones, and just as importantly, still loving yourself knowing that your intimates can see your flaws.

Emotional intimacy is the way that couples build trust and loyalty. It’s the “I’ll have your back, if you have mine” philosophy. But it doesn’t happen spontaneously. It happens over time with small personal disclosures and toe-dips into the sea of authentic soul baring. On the road to making all your relationships more secure, here are a few tips for learning to tolerate shame:

1. Remember that some of the things you feel shame about are not real. Talking about them can help you relieve yourself of guilt. Everyone has a few beliefs that are distortions based on early life experiences. For example, here’s one of my secret pieces of shame: I think I am selfish. Despite the fact that I am single-handedly devoting my life to raising two other humans, have done a lifetime of charity work, and shove bills into the hands of most homeless people I see, I can’t shake it completely. This belief was created in a crazy way. When I was a small child and exhibited “primary narcissism” a survival strategy inherited by all children that manifests itself in words like, “Me first!” “Hey, where’s mine?” and “Hers is bigger, no fair!” my mother would parent with the angry admonishment of, “Stop being a selfish little girl.” How could I grow up with any other belief? But my point is, now that I have talked this out with lovers, close friends, and even my kids, I am somewhat released from my distortions.

2. Being shame tolerant is different from being “Shameless.” The key to disclosing personal information is choosing the right target. Test people with small disclosures about vulnerabilities and then see how they protect you. Learning to tolerate shame is different from not having personal boundaries. Not every relationship you have in the world will be an intimate one filled with trust. Choose your targets carefully.

3. Sometimes you have to model healthy shame in order for your partner (or children) to feel safe doing it themselves. If you’ve done something wrong or hurt someone, talk about it. Let others who are close to you see your mental process. Let hem see how you make restitution to the wronged person and let them see how you eventually forgive yourself. This is one of the best lessons kids can learn.

4. Finally, if another person practices authenticity with you, never shame them! So, if a child says, “Mommy, I feel bad because I cheated on a test,” don’t respond with ‘You should feel bad! That was wrong.”  I guarantee that a parent who responds to a shameful child with an added layer of shame, will get the door on emotional communication slammed shut. Instead, you might say something like, “That’s a hard feeling to have. I’m glad you shared it with me. Let’s find a way to fix this problem. I think we should go meet your teacher together.”

Shame tolerance is one of the most crucial skills needed to create true emotional intimacy and long lasting love. Try it in small doses. Model it for your kids. And know that feeling some shame is a sign of a healthy psyche. Tomorrow: Learning to accept your partner’s flaws.

Tags:
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Compassion – The First Step to Intimacy

Monday, December 21st, 2009

Emotional Intimacy is the glue that will make all our relationships stronger. It is emotional intelligence in action. And it can be learned! (And taught to your kids). This, the first of five blogs on the subject, is your step-by-step guide to make your relationships more meaningful and more secure using the powers of emotional intimacy.

a-day-1-compassionSkill #1 is Compassion. Compassion is kind of like empathy — the ability to empathically sense the feelings of another — except it has one crucial distinction. Compassion includes action. The act of doing something positive in response to someone else’s feelings.

I will be so bold as to declare that compassion is the very essence of love. Compassion is the trait we showcase when we are attracting a partner and falling in love. Compassion is the magic dust we sprinkle on our fights to help us repair the damage. And compassion is the glue that keeps couples together when the going gets boring and the grass next door looks neon.

However, the capacity to have compassion is a little tricky to acquire if you were not parented with compassion yourself, if your parents projected their own desires onto you instead of respecting you as a unique person. The good news is that the beautiful human mind is plenty malaeable. Environmental conditions and intellectual processing can change how we think and feel. So the first step to becoming a compassionate person is to make a committment to practice empathy. This is the day to get out of your own head and move into the heads of others. Because, in case you didn’t know, each and every one of us has our own unique version of reality. Yep, in every family there are as many movies playing as there are brains perceiving.

The second step toward becoming a compassionate person (and strengthening your relationships) is to erase any negative feelings you might have about giving to another. Yes, believe it or not, some people think being supportive and kind is a sign of weakness or that putting someone else’s needs ahead of their own is giving up some precious control. If this kind of belief system was programmed into your tender mind, way back when, I give you permission today to let go of those notions. Instead, reprogram your brain with the idea that the “giver” is the power player in life. The reciever is not a “taker” but a worthy human being.

There are three kinds of people you can practice compassion with: strangers, acquaintances, and intimate family. With strangers and aquaintances the practice is quite simple: Increase your eye contact. Study their faces. What’s really going on with the teenager working at the drive-through window? The teacher who sighs as she trudges into your child’s class? The bank teller who carefully counts out your money? With each everyday encounter ask yourself what kind thing, be word or deed, you can do to improve someone else’s mood. Then sit back and watch the magic happen. Compliments work well with strangers. Friendships will improve if you put empathy into action and offer a ride, a babysitter, some arms to help lug stuff. And, don’t assume you know exactly what people need. Inquire first. Then offer goodness with no strings attached. That’s true compassion. And it can be done in the smallest of ways. I sometimes stack the dishes for a waitress at a busy family restaurant to make her load easier. I open doors for strangers. I say an earnest good morning to people at Starbucks. I always inquire and offer help to mothers with babies and toddlers in public. These small acts of connecting teach your brain to have compassion.

Our intimate family members require a bit more gentle detective work. We need to go deeper to create emotional intimacy. There is a technique that psycho-therapists often use called reflective listening. Reflective listening involves translating the speakers words into your own words and feeding them back with a voice of inquiry. So, your kid comes home and says, “This was the worse day of my life.” A straight inquiry might be simply, “What happened?” But with the addition of reflective listening, you might say, “Things didn’t go so well for you today and you look like you’re feeling mad.” Then pause. Wait, and watch. You might even reach out and touch your child. A hand on the shoulder, a stroke of the hair, signals to your child that you are connected with him and available for support. Let the child lead the conversation and with each moment of interjection, reflect back to the child his feelings so that he begins to feel truly heard and supported. You might be surprised by what you hear and what you learn about the people you thought you knew so well.

Compassion is one of the skills that makes relationships stronger because when we truly see and empathize with others, we become loyal to them. We tune into the same familiar news anchor and our favorite sports stars in the same way. Familiarity breeds loyalty. Compassion works on us too. Compassion is the feeling we can use to love ourselves more. To accept our own flawed path and ill-timed lessons of life. When we can feel compassion for ourself, that is, understand our own suffering and do something to heal it, then we have so much more to give in a love relationship.

So the next time you find yourself at an impasse with love, stop and entertain the feeling of compassion. Are you being too hard on yourself? Are you being too hard on that other human being in your life? Dig deep at these moments to scoop from the geyser of compassion that flows inside every person. Compassion is the only thing that works every time to build trust and emotional intimacy. Tomorrow: Emotional Intimacy skill #2: Shame Tolerance

Tags:
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Five Days to Emotional Intimacy

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

images-1We all know that relationships — the foundation of our mental health — have become highly insecure. The divorce rate is soaring and 40% of American babies are born out of wedlock. But there is one secret recipe to relationship success — it is emotional intimacy. And it is the glue that makes powerful relationships thrive and grow. In the next five blogs, I will teach you the building blocks of emotional intimacy. You will benefit. Your kids will benefit. And, best of all, your relationship will benefit.

Think about it. Once a home for the heart, relationships have become a mess of mistrust. A holding tank for insecurity. When our great-grandmothers  got married, they may have signed up for some boredom and a few lost dreams, but they did not live with the fear that on any given day, for any reason at all, her partner could just quit!

Ironically, to protect ourselves from rejection and loss, we invest fewer emotions. Today’s relationships are marked by an avoidance of emotions — a belief  that it is safer to check one’s heart at the bedroom door rather than risk being truly seen and potentially judged as unlovable.  And technology, disguised as a communication aid, supports this need to avoid by keeping us in touch while touching nothing tender.  Text, email, Facebook,  and Twitter  are the enablers that allow us to practice false intimacy. So what’s the answer to

this complicated landscape? I think the winners of this paradigm shift will be the people who acquire the sharpest emotional intimacy skills.

If you have a stronger emotional bond with your partner, the sex will be more meaningful. Communication will be better.  Even your kids will be more confident and secure and have the ability to create healthy love relationships later in life. Emotional connections are like super glue!

By taking small baby steps today, your relationship can grow by leaps and bounds… and you’ll feel closer than ever. So take this journey with me, and watch your emotional intimacy skyrocket like never before.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Holiday Cheer, Recession Style – How to Spread Cheer Without Spending Money.

Friday, December 18th, 2009

imagesThe December holidays, no matter which religious history, are a way to create light in the darkest days of the year. It is a time to come together with family and friends and be thankful for our health and happiness.  With money tight for many American families, how can you lift your moods and spirits on a budget? Answer: Give of yourself and strengthen family connections. Here are ten ways to find meaning in the holidays without spending much dough.

1. Forgo gluttonous holiday parties with people you are not close to. The holidays have become a hectic time of forced festivities. A new dress and a bottle of champagne as a hostess gift, followed by an unwelcome hang over, might not be the way to make your life meaningful. Let this year be the year of peace, quiet, and intimate gatherings. A glass of wine by the fire with three people will provide more sustenance than a smoke-filled rave.

2. Find a new cause to give to… whether it’s flowers for an old folks home, or toys for underprivileged kids. This is the year to give to those who really need, and fill your heart with love.

3. Celebrate a lost family tradition or research and plan a new one. This is the year to go to your parents church or temple, or to find a soul enhancing experience that will become your tradition. Join a new age church. Meditate by candle light. The root of all December holidays is an urge to find safety and light in the cold, long nights of winter. Find a ritual that helps you feel peace.

4. Give homemade gifts. This is the year to resurrect your grandmother’s lost art of preserving food. Make sauces, jams, eggnog or baked goods. These items will be far more appreciated than anything manufactured in China.

5. Get the family together. Yes, even the ones you may not be so fond of. This is an opportunity to heal old emotional wounds, bond with kinfolk and connect with your roots. When I asked my eleven-year-old what is her favorite thing about Christmas, she didn’t miss a beat when she said, “Family.” Then she paused for a nano-second and followed up with, “Presents!”

6. The quantity of gifts is more exciting to kids than their value. Any parent who has endured the Christmas competition known as the “Present Tally,” can attest that kids love LOTS of gifts. We were never rich growing up but my mom always wrapped up socks, underwear, comic books, and chocolates. The presents were beautifully decorated and filled with anticipation and excitement. On Christmas day the joy was rarely in the gift’s expense, it was in the expansive array of colorful packages. Trust me, a $2 wind up toy takes on new meaning when it comes in a box within a box wrapped in shinny paper and bows.

7. Make a holiday TV special an event. Instead of going to an expensive Christmas show or leaving the TV on as background, rent a favorite Christmas DVD (mine is always WHITE CHRISTMAS) and make an appointment with the family. Make hot chocolate and popcorn and create a pillow theater on the floor. Kids will remember these moments of family closeness more than the details in the movie.

8. With the kids out of school and amusement parks being pricey, this is your chance to explore the museums in your own city. You might be pleasantly surprised to see how much kids can get out of an art museum.

9. Graham Cracker Ginger Bread houses. My tummy is full with one as I write this. Enough said.

10. Blast those Christmas carols! Music and song have a special influence on our psyche. Music can lift our spirits and heal our souls. Don’t hold back. Hum a carol yourself!

Tags:
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Is Tiger Like Us?

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

itr__1235647290_Tiger_Woods,_Elin_Nordegren_&_Tiger Woods. It’s the relationship story that won’t die. Part of the public’s fascination with Tiger Wood’s personal drama is voyeurism. For some, this media frenzy is an titillating peak behind the curtain of a rich and celebrated life. But the other reason the public is so polarized about Tiger — the athlete, the role model, or the husband — is because he is a famous (and extreme) example of the “no rules relationship revolution” that everyone is experiencing some form of. Today’s relationship landscape is a place where hook ups have replaced dating and big white weddings walk side-by-side with staggering divorce rates. It’s a place where cougars stalk and divorced men scratch their heads and wonder what went wrong. And every year, 40% of American children are born out of wedlock.

The other day I overheard a conversation between two grade school boys on a school playground. This is word-for-word:

1st Boy: I went to a wedding last weekend!

2nd Boy: Oh yah? I’ve been to THREE weddings. I went to my Mom’s wedding. I went to my Dad’s wedding. And when I was really little, I went to my Mom-and-Dad’s wedding.

How is this child ever going to have a healthy relationship when he grows up or have any appreciation of marital commitment? So, the problem is clear. Families and marriages are falling apart. But who can we blame?

Some of the blame lies with sexually promiscuous men who break their vows, but women are also complicit in this mess. As feminism gave women sexual “freedom” women resigned their responsibility as the executor of our culture’s sexual boundaries. Not so long ago, a women’s sexual transgression would have been costly. It would have been socially, physically, or economically dangerous. But today, thanks to birth control, medical advances, and women’s own economic power, some women can even PROFIT from their sexual freedom. Look no further than some of Tiger’s mistresses to see how to legally profit from sex.

Another blame might be our highly sexualized media. The message blared through suggestive photos and slogans on nearly every TV show, billboard and magazine ad is: sex is good. More sex is better. Healthy, happy, beautiful people are having lots of sex. And there seem to be no attempts to shield children from these sexual messages either. When a national loungerie chains presents a “fashion” show on network television with scantily clad models in prime time, Dorothy, we are clearly not in Kansas anymore. Last Friday, I took my kids to a family street christmas celebration where stores opened their doors for an evening of cheer. There were the expected carolers and free cookies and eggnog, but the local photo studio opted not to have “traditional” Santa and instead provided photo opportunities with a SEXY Santa complete with an open shirt and a six-pack. My little girls were confused as I hustled them away from the store.

The bottom line. We all participate in some way, whether it’s buying products sold through sexy advertising, or endorsing sex without emotional strings. (We are learning through Tiger’s saga, all sex has some kind of emotional string.) And the real victims in this mess are wives with small children.  Studies still support the fact that after divorce, a man’s lifestyle goes up, and a woman’s goes down. Women still only make 77 cents on the male dollar, and a chunk of that is lost to expensive childcare costs. We are not equal and we are not free. Women will truly become like good men when they learn to keep it in their pants and act like gentlemen!

Posted in Celebrity Love, Sex | 1 Comment »

Tiger Woods: You Do Not Deserve Privacy! Here’s Why.

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

PIA-nO2gqYsJA growing number of women have been coming out of the woodwork with stories of mega-athlete Tiger Woods’ marital indiscretions and the media has been having a field day speculating about his infidelities and the true cause of his injuries sustained on Thanksgiving night. But is this fair? Do couples having problems always deserve privacy? Well, most do, but not when the couple contains a man like Tiger Woods. Here’s why:

Tiger Woods is not rich and famous because he is a good golfer. Tiger is famous because the public paid money to attend his tourneys and tuned in to watch him on television (along with many targeted commercials.) He is rich because consumers doled out hard earned income to purchase products that he endorses. Products with marketing campaigns that highlight his brand — integrity and character. He also owns a school for disadvantaged children that teaches character strength and has spent most of his charitable time acting as the ultimate role model to young men.

Well, Tiger, I want my money back!

Not only did you damage my publicly funded fire hydrant, you damaged our youth. Just as President Clinton changed the cultural definition of sexual behavior — a definition that’s changed forever the way middle schoolers sexually develop — you have changed any lingering perceptions among young boys that women and children are to be honored and respected. You have brazenly ignored your marital vows and have created a nest that clearly will be a confusion to your own little girl.

So, do you deserve privacy from media scrutiny? No way. You are a celebrity who has been created by the public and you have a responsibility to that public. Responsibility. Remember that word, Tiger?  It’s that old fashioned word that so few act out these days. You owe wives and mothers everywhere not some sorry explanation that you are “human.” What is that, anyway? A way to rebrand yourself toward a “human” market who fails continually and looks for new rationalizations?

Yes, you are human, Tiger. But you are also a MAN. So, man up! Get your ass to therapy and spend the time with your wife and kids that you normally spend in Vegas hotel rooms with hook ups. And, pray that President Obama doesn’t take power as lightly as you did. The country will fall into moral decay if he follows your lead.

Tags:
Posted in Celebrity Love | 2 Comments »

Tiger’s Apology: Our Fascination with Celebrity Relationships

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

Tiger-Woods-with-his-wife-001The headlines strike us first: J-Lo’s ex-hubby threatens to leak a honeymoon sex-tape. Tom and Katie spend Thanksgiving apart. Madonna losing her latest boy toy. And, now reports that Tiger Woods has had affairs. Today, he issued an apology to his wife and family, although he wasn’t clear what he was apologizing for, and pleaded again for privacy from the media. My guess is that this demand won’t be heeded.

The love lives of celebrities are the cash cow for most popular media. The biggest click-throughs on even hard news sites like The New York Times are often celebrity love. Why do celebrity relationships titillate us? Most of don’t have lives that involve an entourage who leaks, press who churn gossip, paparazzi who ambush, and much time spent in private airports hiding behind very large sunglasses. So comparing celebrity relationships with ours might seem fruitless, and even a bit grandiose. I mean, when was the last time we worried that our husband might be seduced by a starlet at a Hollywood Club?

Could it be that we are just as voyeuristic as the journalists who collect the dish for us? Are our lives so boring that beautiful, wealthy people are our main source of entertainment?

The answers to those questions are more complicated than a straight yes or no. There certainly is a great deal of entertainment value in watching Godly beauty struggle and morph into human tissue. But I maintain that our lives are not so dissimilar. Most adult Americans experience intense love, great heartbreak, regretful, angry outbursts, and moments of loneliness. We are the fortunate ones who don’t have to read about it on CNN.com with our morning coffee, nor see a bad photo of ourselves beside the article. (For the record, whenever I blog about celebrities, I tend to choose the most flattering photo I can find, even if the mainstream press has pinned them a villain. It just seems like the most humane thing to do.)

We may not have the drama of a media spotlight, but we can certainly sympathize with a celebrities’ relationship problems. People gossip in the real world too. Partners have affairs with co-workers not unlike any on-set romance. Divorce is just as ugly when the child support payment is less than a star’s monthly shoe expenditure. And we sometimes wear dark sunglasses when picking up our kids from school because we can’t find the strength to let our “in crowd” see our pain.

Celebrity news makes our pain feel, somehow, normal. Our very real human emotion of empathy helps us have a shared emotional experience when we witness a celebrity’s love life. Suddenly we are not alone in our own journey. And we are comforted by the knowledge that money and fame do not protect us from relationship problems. And it is that emotional experience that keeps us hooked on entertainment news. The habit isn’t dangerous, unless we find ourselves silently rooting for tears and humiliation, or if we hear a voice calling us sit outside the gates of their mansion. :)

But for the most part, we empathize and understand that their problems are much like ours. So, when J-Lo battles a scorned ex in court, we can think of our own divorce woes. When Jessica Tom and Katie face the challenges of balancing work, family and parenthood, we know those feelings. When Tiger and his wife face the stress of growing a family and staying in love, we get it. We are all human and there is some comfort knowing that we share joy and pain.


Tags: , , ,
Posted in Celebrity Love | 1 Comment »

« Older Entries