I’m weeping as I type this. I am a chick after all. Having just watched Tiger Woods apology to his friends, family, employees, business partners, and foundation beneficiaries, I am simply moved. I am also confused. I am wondering why an athlete in Florida whom I have never met nor seen in public can cause me, a single mother in Los Angeles, to have such a blubbering event.
And the answer is simple. There are few women in America who do not long to hear such words of contrition and kindness from a man, and Tiger is as likely a surrogate for healing as anyone. At some point in their lives most women have been deeply injured by some man’s selfishness whether it was infidelity, or violence, or stingy child support. And here is a man finally doing the right thing. My own waterworks started with his tribute to his wife, Elin, using words like, grace and poise to describe her. There are a couple men in my past who would do well by me if they could form any similar words.
And I hope men listened closely too. This is the kind of role model so many men need. On who stops the buck at his desk and takes full responsibility for his actions. Through Tiger, men can hear first-hand how infidelity is not only a betrayal of trust but an action that reverberates through many relationships. Is one (or sixteen) moments of sexual pleasure really worth the destruction of so much? I truly hope that men who claim to have trouble controlling themselves can learn something from Tiger’s blown-up version of their story.
Because the tides of relationship rules are changing. It used to be that women provided all the sexual boundaries in our culture. Women had far to much to lose by entering into a sexual relationship with a man who might abandon them, impregnate them, contaminate them or disgrace them. Not today. Thanks to feminism, women own their own orgasm and a box of Trojans. They are off to the races. And, as families fall apart — 40% of American babies are born out of wedlock and the rest are vulnerable to a 50% divorce rate — some men are stepping up to create their own sexual boundaries, if only to keep safe their genetic line. I spoke with one such man yesterday, Mark Verge, a happily married guy whose book, “Access to the Boys Club” preaches techniques for fidelity for couples. Mark’s message includes tips for wives to help keep their man satisfied.
For women’s behavior is as much part of our culture-wide problem of unhealthy relationships. I’ve said it before, but let me reiterate: How can we blame our husbands for getting wet on their way home from work, when IT’S RAINING WHORES? The shameless Tiger mistresses who have sought their fifteen minutes by kissing and telling on national television need a serious reality check. Or they need to become mothers so they can sympathize with Elin. Both women and men need to get some control on their sexual energy when families are at stake.
Finally, I want to close by applauding the unsung heros in our culture. Men and women who have been making the sacrifices associated with long-term monogamy because it is the right thing to do — for your partner and for your children. We will all be beneficiaries of your dedication when your kids don’t end up on the public coffers or spreading HIV to us. Thanks for making a commitment to love and family.
As for Tiger, he summed it all up with Elin’s admonishment to him: “The real apology will not come in words. It will come in behavior.” We’re watching, Tiger. You’re off to a good start toward healing. And to some of my ex-lotharios: I’m waiting by the phone.
Tags: Tiger Woods
“How can we blame our husbands for getting wet on their way home from work, when IT’S RAINING WHORES?”
…is the most ignorant statements I’ve heard this week. It seems that you must hate men. Why else would you suggest that men are simply incapable of controlling their own bodies? Why else would you suggest that men are dumb beasts who cannot say no to hot girls? If men are such morons, why do they get to run everything?
I am very saddened that so many women feel the need to blame other women (“raining whores”) for being so called home wreckers when their husbands cheat. No one outside of your marriage is responsible for what happens in your marriage. As Tiger showed, if it wasn’t one woman, it was another, or 13 others. The women aren…’t the issue. They made no commitment to Elin. Tiger did.
As a man, your article truly depresses me…how can Tiger Woods sleeping around and then being sorry for it on national TV make him a role model? A true male role model is a man who makes a commitment and sticks to it through thick and thin, is faithful to her and treats her as what she is: an equal partner in life.
What you are essential saying is that a man can sleep around (because it is another woman’s fault for existing), betray his wife and children’s trust, and then apologize for it for him to classified as a “role model”. That seems incredibly easy to do…hell, I think even Osama bin Laden would into your category of “Male Role Model”…
You obviously don’t believe in gender equality and think a man is head of the household and you should be subject to his every need and want. It is embarrassing that this thought process exists in 2010…
Enjoy your need to not be treated as an equal…please don’t spread that disease around…we’re trying to progress…
Wow. G Christoper, you must not have read the whole blog. Clearly I applaud committed, monogamous men and women first and foremost. And women are only part of the problem of infidelity — like 50%. Finally, Tiger is only a role model for one thing: Showing contrition, apology, and putting feelings into words, something many men should take a lesson in. I never, ever condoned his behavior. Have you read my past blogs on the subject? – Dr. Walsh
Women are part of the village we call our culture. And they are 50% of the blame in marital infidelities. “Raining Whores” relates to our culture’s fascination with the sexual identity of women over other important powers — nurturing ability, emotional models, intellectual achievers. Unfortunately, some women (and men) feel they are making personal choices and fail to see cultural pressures.
Let me just refer to one part of your blog:
“I spoke with one such man yesterday, Mark Verge, a happily married guy whose book, “Access to the Boys Club” preaches techniques for fidelity for couples. Mark’s message includes tips for wives to help keep their man satisfied.”
Maybe I’ve had a long day at work and I am missing the sarcasm. Are you saying you condone this “happily married” guy’s tips for “wives to keep their man satisfied”? Or are you saying this dick is exactly what is wrong with marriages today? (I would hope for the latter)
Of course an arrogant “alpha-male” is happily married if all his wife does is try to keep him satisfied, because it doesn’t seem that he needs to do anything in that relationship…where is her life in all of that? Is she supposed to be content with being subject to him? As long as he is satisfied, that’s the only thing that matters…
I also don’t appreciate dumbing down feminism to “women own their own orgasm and a box of Trojans.” It’s a hell of a lot more than that and you know it…
I have not read any of your blogs/posts before, but maybe I will and maybe I will eat crow later…I certainly hope I do. This is a hot button issue for me, because I love and adore the woman I have been with for 12 years, and the thought that she is kept from doing anything or succeeding at anything she wants because she is female makes me want to rip someone’s head off…
I wasn’t being sarcastic about Mark’s message. But, sadly, I was being biased. Because he also preaches about what men should do to keep their partners faithful. In truth both partners, both genders (or same-sex partners for that matter) need to respect their partner enough to take care of themselves. Men are visual creatures. If the woman they married gains eight pounds she is no longer the woman he married, because he signed up for the whole package. And the same applies to men. As you know, as a man who is devoted to your gal, if we take our partner for granted, we risk losing him/her. You should check out Mark’s website. He also suggests that married partners travel together and celebrate each other as much as possible.
If any women out thier thinks that thier husband will say no to a georgeous woman throwing herself at him – wake up and smell the coffee. Luckily, most of our husbands don’t have that much luck or think they will not get away with it. In Tiger’s case he started with one, got away with it and progressively made it into a habit. Then he got to confident, like any criminal, and eventually slipped up and got caught. But society has become more and more accepting of whorish behavior so nowadays it is no big deal for women to throw themselves at married men or charge for sex. This used to be different which made it a little more difficult for men, but women make it so easy for men it is very difficult for them to say no and women are way more easy than they used to be. Tiger is a fault for lacking self control but the whores who were looking for easy money are even more at fault.
I think Tiger is at fault but what about the whores who lined up to sleep with him for money? Before women had more respect for themselves. The degradation of society is evident in many forms. One more example is the acceptance of young, normal, pretty girls charging for sex and knowingly sleeping with married men. Tiger’s “girlfriends” are not even looked at as the low lives that they are, the media doesn’t even discuss the fact that they did anything wrong, we just accept it as normal and place all the blame on Tiger.
In response to Chris’ comment I think that the love and dedication that he has for his wife and marriage is beautiful. My husband and I feel the same way for each other. However, I think Tiger’s situation is somewhat different. I agree with Wendy that the women he was with are as equally to blame. Men constantly hit on women and we could care less, but if a women is constantly throwing herself at a man it is much more difficult to say no. Think about yourself honestly. Do you think it would be easy for you to continually fend off beautiful women throwing themselves at you??? I think to the first 10 you might say “no thanks I am happily married to a women I totally love and adore” but at some point (maybe after the 30th)the temptation is to great for a man. This is different for women. That is why I would never want to be married to a celebrity.
In response to one angry girl, I hate to tell you but the men who are running everything are precisely the ones with all of the access to the same type of girls who slept with Tiger and they are all doing the same thing, hope your husband isn’t one of them.
The comments seem to beg the question: Is there a need for fidelity at all in today’s modern society? Women have power to control their own bodies and reproduction, a control denied for centuries. Women have the ability to provide for themselves and offspring they chose to have. Fidelity seems to be over-rated without the historical needs for binding the reproducer to the provider.
Now Dr. Walsh (and myself) will argue that emotional fidelity is a requirement of happiness and longevity. That without the ability to be emotionally committed to a person, life becomes nothing much more than a series of one-night stands and sexual gratification. Women actually would gain more from that type of environment because they have the ability to have and bond with children whereas men are incapable of producing a dependent.
Marriage and other formalized bonds are nothing more than attempts to socialize and use social pressure to impose a situation wherein at some level of success, emotional bonding might occur. Society recognizes that people get married in the Lust stage of a relationship and that without the artificial bond of marriage, many fewer relationships would survive through the doubt phase of relationship than currently do with our freedom to divorce. Only by enduring the doubt phase will couples attain the emotional intimacy phase necessary for psychological well being.
So back to the first question, do we really need a mechanism such as marriage to enforce people to stay together long enough to build a relationship to emotional intimacy? A mechanism requiring fidelity and having sociological and psychological punishments (such as are heaped on Tiger) for failure to remain faithful? By my own analysis, probably. Mankind is not yet ready to graduate to the point of maintaining a relationship solely by choice, although within 50 years, the concept of marriage will be unnecessary.
Well said, Tim. While marriage isn’t the best gate-keeper of individual morals, it can certainly play a role. It’s also a good public screener…. if someone isn’t even able to get married, you have to question their ability to be loyal. However, there is one thing far more powerful than marriage in helping people stay faithful to their partners: Empathy and Compassion. If one can get inside the head of the injured party and feel what they are feeling, then boundaries are easier to maintain.
Dr Walsh
Conversely, marriage also becomes a substitute for the empathy and compassion useful to keep people faithful to their partners. I see way too often people who change significantly within months of marriage, particularly along the lines of taking their partner for granted, assuming by virtue of marriage and the longevity of the relationship that they “know” what their partner wants rather than being bothered to ask. They fail to recognize that they themselves and their partners both continue to grow, develop new interests, new hobbies, desires etc and by virtue of the “gold ring” feel constrained to keep from change.