Archive for March, 2010

Is “Sex Addiction” Just An Excuse for Bad Morals?

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

First Tiger Woods. Now Jesse James. Mr. Sandra Bullock has reportedly entered treatment for sex addiction after four mistresses have come forward alleging affairs with him.  There has been a lot of attention in the media lately about sex addiction as a possible diagnosis with a disease model. Most of the stories stem from Tiger Woods stay at an in-treatment facility that specializes in something called sex addiction. The problem is that sex addiction is not a clinical diagnosis. The bible for psychotherapists, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, does not list sexual addiction anywhere.

There’s no doubt that sexual attraction and orgasm alter brain chemistry. And one can crave the rush of hormones and endorphins that tend to accompany a sexual conquest. While “sex addiction” may not be a formal mental illness, the behavior certainly mimics substance addiction in that the preoccupation with obtaining the next “high” can debilitise lives. Any chronic behavior that negatively affects ones personal relationships or professional life it is considered a disorder.

So, are Tiger and the 3-5% of men and women who claim to have a sex addiction, hiding behind a simple character flaw? The answer is a bit complicated. Yes, and No. Certainly “sex addicts” appear to be attempting to put a sympathetic label on their dysfunctional behavior (who wouldn’t?) but even if sex addiction is considered only a character flaw, what is that? Simply a lapse in sound judgment? If so, could they just stop?

The thing that sets bad moral character apart from a physiological disorder is the degree of craving, the inability to stop, and the ensuing damage to one’s personal and professional life. If all these ducks are in order, this is a mental illness in my book.

Want to find out if you or someone you know has a sex addiction? Click here.

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Famous Wives. Public Embarrassment.

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Any wife who has been cheated on knows the visceral effect of embarrassment in her social circle. The gossips in the peripheral of her every move sing muffled chants about her role in the affair or why she bothers to stay in the marriage. But when that everyday wife appears in person, the tongues quiet and public smiles replace the wagging tongues.

A famous wife knows an entirely different kind of public embarrassment. She looks no further than her super-market aisles, the local radio, or the national news for the openly wagging tongues. Our hearts bleed for Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Edwards and Elin Woods, and so we moralize, we bemuse, and we give advice as if these women were our own sisters. The media and general public feel safe in gossiping about famous people because they seem so far removed. We are reminded that their problems are much like ours, although often on a grander scale.

But what must the experience be like for an innocent wife who lives a public life? How can she tolerate the negative limelight now shinning on her family? Embarrassment often plays a role in people’s moral sense. It helps them “do the right thing,” but what if the scandal was not their fault? And what if their decision to save the marriage goes against the jury of public opinion?

The best answer to these questions, is to avoid. To emotionally survive the public humiliation, famous women must cloister themselves in the world of most intimate family members and wait for the media tide to change. Elin and Sandra are certainly doing that. And when they do eventually move forward they must defend against feelings of embarrassment by maintaining the fantasy that few people read those tabloid rags, anyway.

Case in point, a couple years back I was introduced to Christie Brinkley at a charity event. Our introduction came a few years after a media blitz concerning the infidelity of her husband with their young babysitter. When our mutual friend introduced us she attempted to find common ground for us by telling Christie that I had recently gone through a painful break up with the father of my children. Christie, immediately, clasped my hands and exclaimed, ‘Oh Honey so did I! And you wouldn’t believe what happened to me!” Then she proceeded to give me details of her husband’s bad behaviors as if I had never been in a supermarket in my life. Clearly her very efficient coping strategy was to maintain the illusion that few people knew. I commend her for that. It’s a high level survival mechanism. Compartmenting is the way our brain avoids being flooded with painful thoughts than can cause destructive behavior.And, by the way, I played along with her fantasy and acted astounded by her news.

Celebrity problems make our own pain feel, somehow, normal. Our very real human emotion of empathy helps us have a shared emotional experience when we witness a celebrity’s love life. Suddenly we are not alone in our own journey. And we are comforted by the knowledge that money and fame do not protect us from relationship problems. So, my advice, down the road if you are ever introduced to Sandra, Elin, or Elizabeth, pretend you know nothing.

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The New Trophy: A Married Man?

Friday, March 19th, 2010

Not so long ago, women who had sexual relationships with men who were legally bound to another woman were considered social outcasts. Our language clearly illustrated the sexual double standard that existed. While he was a gentleman who “stepped out” of his marriage, she was a whore, slut, or home-wrecker (as if he had never laid hands on the wreaking ball, himself.) My favorites are “Mistress” and “Kept Woman” because they, at least, imply some outlay of financial resources indicative of an emotional connection.

In cultures throughout history our complicated human social structures have always made room for extra-marital affairs. During the sexual repression of Victorian England where a high status woman faced scandal if even an ankle were exposed, the brothel business boomed. It is estimated that the ratio of prostitutes to males over the age of 18 in Victorian England was 12-1. And most of those young women died early from STD’s.

Sadly, the same tragedy is living itself out in the Indian/Asian sex slave business today. One of the shameful growing pains of feminism is that high status women are delaying marriage (often to the age of 30) to pursue a career, while keeping their hymens intact. The result is a lack of available sexual partners for men who are still required to marry a virgin. Today’s version of Victorian England? Millions of impoverished girls being sold into brothels by their own families.

But here in modern America, women have almost as much sexual freedom as men, and many seem to be happy to live it to the fullest. And, while the media pays lip service to the tired refrain of  “she’s a home-wreaker,” Rielle Hunter, Rachel Uchitel, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, etc., the truth is the freedom these women have to stage a tell-all about their affairs is the new boundary for men. Women who were kept secret and sequestered for fear of public shame can now, come out of the closet or Vegas hotel room and, finally blame the one who broke his commitment.

I know you’ll beat me up for saying this, but none of these women ever stood at an alter with the wife of her man and made a commitment to honor her. Of course, you can argue that any card-carrying member of the girls club should honor all women, and that being young, female, single, and orgasm hungry, shouldn’t give you a hall pass to bad behavior. I totally agree with that. But who really broke their commitment to marriage? The single woman who has never met the wife, or the guy who met her, married her, and made a giant promise to her? Gentlemen, I hand you the wrecking ball.

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Sandra Bullock – So In Love with Hope That She Forgot to Believe The Background Check

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Back in 2003 when glamorous Hollywood leading lady, Sandra Bullock first laid eyes on Jesse James, a tattoo-covered motorcycle enthusiast, the rest of the world collectively raised their eyebrows. But Sandra, apparently, was in love’s delusional la-la land, telling people that there are church going family men who fool around on their wives, so appearances can be deceiving.

In the case of Jesse James, appearances seemed to have been accurate. When she met James, he was already on his second marriage, this one to a porn star who would go to jail for tax evasion. He had two kids with the first wife and another child on the way when he shifted his focus from his pregnant wife to the bigger prize, Sandra Bullock. Today, after five years of marriage, the former body guard and star of Discovery Channel’s “Monster Garage,” has issued an apology to his wife and children, while a sexy tattoo model (who knew such a career existed?) is blabbing to the media about her hot affair with Mr. Sandra Bullock.

So, what’s a girl to do when a man targets her and then showers her with love and lies? Answer: Read his rap sheet not his lips. If the trail he took to get to you is lined with the bodies of disappointed women, your only job is to stop that bad boy before he reproduces.

It’s an old adage, but if you want to predict someone’s future behavior, look no further than their past behavior. As Sigmund Freud so brilliantly observed, “human beings have a compulsion to repeat.” Or, as modern relationship experts prefer to word it, “Leopards don’t change their spots.”

Could Sandra have avoided this the Jesse James heart break? After all, when she married at the age of 41, few potential partners would have a squeaky clean relationship track record — or they wouldn’t be single at all. What she could have done, if she, like so many other women could shake her infatuation with hope, is to keep her own values intact. The flirtations of a married man should never be accepted. Ever. And pay close attention to his history, not his rationalizations for his “situation.” Sadly, his history is her future. Not surprisingly, James told his latest paramour (likely not his only affair) that he and Sandra were separated while she was actually off filming “The Blind Side.”

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Is Your Spouse Being Financially Unfaithful?

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Does your spouse keep a separate safe deposit box? Do the family’s financial statements get mailed to an office address, not the home? Is he or she an ATM junkie? If so, there’s a chance your spouse could be stepping out on you with the family money. And this behavior is far more common with men than women.

It’s one thing to fear that your husband might stray with his heart and/or his body, but what most women don’t realize is that the risk of financial infidelity is far more dangerous and could lead to longer term consequences for women and their children.

“Most divorces are not impulsive decisions. One party or another checks out emotionally three to five years before they file for divorce,” says, Stacey Napp the CEO of Balance Point Funding, an investment firm that invests in women who have become financially disabled during a divorce proceeding. “Long before a man leaves, he begins to squirrel away assets so that he’ll hold the power in divorce court.” The behavior is more common with affluent husbands because, as a family’s net worth rises, couples tend to move into traditional gender roles, with the woman working less and handling more child rearing and household management chores. And if divorce happens these women are left unprotected. Since it is illegal in most states for a family attorney to work on a contingency (taking a percentage of the final settlement) the exit game becomes one where divorcing husbands strive to leave their wives with no assets to hire a good divorce lawyer — who may demand as much as $20,000 on the first visit.

“Divorce isn’t pretty, but it doesn’t have to be dirty,” says Napp, who founded her company after her own divorce and the financial infidelity she experienced that nearly cost her her entire lifestyle. According to Stacey Napp, there are six red flags that women should be on the alert for:

Is he being financially unfaithful?

1)      Your bank, brokerage or financial statements are sent to his office, and not to your  house
2)      You’re not the beneficiary of his life insurance policy
3)      Like clock work, the same amount of money is  being withdrawn from your joint account every month
4)      He has a separate safe deposit box
5)      Significant repeated cash withdrawals on your joint credit cards
6)      Does your husband own his own business and have his family as employees and/or partners in that business?  That alone isn’t a red flag, but if any of the above are also present- watch out!

So, if you do suspect trouble, is there anything you can do to stop the leakage? Yes, according to Napp, you have to act like your own forensic accountant and gather intelligence before he hides evidence from a real court. That may mean photocopying every document he ever brings home — including his entire wallet and briefcase. Since people stay in contact with their money, photocopy cell phone records, check frequent flyer miles, even the home telephone bill. Ever the financial sleuth, Napp says that calling fast food delivery restaurants in areas where phone calls have been made, can reveal what address goes with what number. And always, wives should request a once yearly free credit report from all three credit reporting bureaus. This report can contain information regarding financial institutions that he may have established relationships with that you were unaware of. It would also show any aliases and/or alternate social security numbers being used by your spouse.

With the enormous emotional pain that women experience during divorce, financial unfaithfulness adds another layer of injury. Injury that can have tragic consequences for children who might be yanked from school after losing tuition and women who many lose their home and community support system. Stacey suggests that women who are full-time mothers are especially vulnerable to this kind of infidelity.

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Female Sexuality: Six Things That May Surprise Men

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

The study of women’s sexuality is relatively new in the grand scale of research history, but now science is finding statistics about women’s sexuality that make most women say, “Duh.” Here are a few recent studies that might surprise some men:

1. Women tend to become aroused by erotica involving men, men and women, and just women, indicating a bisexual arousal pattern. This doesn’t mean women all behave in a bisexual manner. It simply means they can be turned on by both thoughts or images of both genders. This is different from most straight men who only become aroused by heterosexual erotica, and gay men who mostly become aroused by homosexual material.

2. Women’s brains can separate mental arousal from genital arousal. For instance, even if she is not mentally stimulated, a woman’s body can have a physiological reaction to sex. (Thus the confusion of some rape victims who experience a spontaneous orgasm during the trauma.) And women can sometimes be mentally aroused and have trouble becoming wet and wild down below.

3. Body image is connected to sexuality for women. Women who feel more positively about their own genitals find it easier to orgasm and are more likely to engage in sexual health promoting behaviors, such as having regular gynecological exams or performing self-examinations.

4. For women, physicality grows out of emotionality. Emotional availability activates their physical sexuality. Women are more apt to show up physically and sexually when their partner is emotionally present, while men tend more to just show up.

5. Women fear emotional infidelity more than physical infidelity and men fear the opposite. In one study women preferred that their husband see a prostitute once per week rather than have platonic, though intimate, lunches with a co-worker. This points to the fact that women fear a diversion of resources that might come with an emotional connection.

6. Women have less ability to have a stand alone physical relationship because their body releases oxytocin during orgasm. Oxytocin, the female bonding hormone, is also released during breastfeeding. For that reason women sometimes become bonded through sex even when they don’t mean to.

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The Marriage Ref “Find Someone You Can Sleep Next to Without Throwing Up”

Monday, March 1st, 2010

NBC’s new prime-time reality show is smothered in sauce, low on any real meat, but it’s the high fat we sometimes crave.

Okay, the critics hate it. But there is something refreshing about NBC’s new reality show, “The Marriage Ref” — it’s a new format. With Jerry Seinfeld’s genius behind the show, including his trademark ability to make six minutes of comedy out of a minute piece of life’s banality, this sit-come-meets-America’s-Funniest-Home-Videos could find an audience.

In “The Marriage Ref” sneak-peek pilot, Jerry Seinfeld and a celebrity panel that included Alec Baldwin and Kelly Ripa pick a winner on some  of the most bizarre couples arguments ever to make it to national television — whether a man can keep his deceased dog after a “resurrection” at the taxidermist, and whether the time is right for a longtime married couple to install a stripper pole in the living room.

Audiences learn in host Tom Papa’s opening monologue that this show in no way is intended to be real couples therapy when he advises people to stop looking for their soulmate and instead find someone they can sleep next to without throwing up. In fact with so much laugher there’s no way the show could ever deal with the sensitive trials that throw real couples on the rocks.

The American Idol style banter by the judges is given a whiff of credibility by the lovely Natalie Morales of NBC news who spouts statistics like “one thousand Americans have had their pet stuffed” or “stripper pole exercise can burn many calories.” A weird appearance by a now elderly sportscaster Marv Albert, who gives a play-by-play on the couple’s knock-out punches, is only interesting if you are old enough to remember Marv’s own infamous sex scandal.

As a Mom whose thoughts carry the daily burden of Haiti, kids grades, Afghanistan, and recession woes, The Marriage Ref is a light respite. A chance to giggle at silly family problems that shouldn’t ever be taken seriously anyway. Still Twitter hounds, Bloggers, and some real TV critics were clearly not blown away by the opening episode. But I am a mother who loves to nurture and give my children a second chance to succeed, so I’ll tune in again. Plus, the revolving celebrity panel promises future appearances by Madonna, Larry David, and Tiny Fea, among others. There could be some comedic jewels in upcoming episodes. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear what the material girl has to say about marriage?

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