A guy friend of mine who happens to be single mentioned that he’s had sex with a few women in the past few months and “nothing clicked.” When I reminded him that sex should never be the START of a relationship (the mixture of physical intimacy, budding emotional intimacy and fear can be completely toxic) he argued that if the sex isn’t “good” than it’s a sign the relationship will never work.
I beg to differ.
What is sex, after all, but an exchange of physical care, mixed with a longing for love, or an expression of love itself? Sex without an emotional connection is certainly possible and some people have stand alone sex in order to avoid intimacy. But for anyone looking for a real-world, mutually supportive relationship, early sex is always a sloppy mix of hope, hunger, and fear. Could this be “the one”? Will she/he like me enough? Can I perform? etc.
Waiting to have sex while building a little emotional intimacy can be protective in a number of ways. Delaying sex can establish good communication, trust, and a friendship that can weather the awkwardness of the “first-time.” Waiting to have sex can also screen out those who aren’t looking to create an emotional relationship — that includes bad-boys and girls who disassociate. I’m always amazed when I hear men tell me a dating story where they are out on a date and really beginning to open up to a woman about some emotional issue and the woman dismisses them and instead responds with, “Honey, I just want to f— your brains out.” Those stories confirm for me that sexual equality has arrived, coupled with its downside.
Finally, it’s important to consider that sexual attraction also has great psychological underpinnings. For instance, if we believe deep down that we are unlovable we may be specifically aroused by those who can’t offer emotional love. It’s our brain’s funny way of sticking to what’s familiar. Abuse and inconsistent love experienced as a child can create an attachment style geared toward abusive and inconsistent love relationships. We know we once survived unhappiness? Why risk the uncharted waters of a happy, consistent, supportive relationship?
Sometimes one’s arousal orientation — our attraction to a certain personality style or way of relating — is exactly the thing that brings us pain. The objects of our desire, while bringing us a “hot” physical experience are specifically attractive exactly because they fulfill out worst nightmares. For many people an intense sexual attraction should be a cue that this potential partner is bad for them. Intense lust is often a red flag for those who have an anxious or ambivalent attachment disorder.
Anyone who has experienced healthy, long-term monogamy knows that once the relationship becomes a multi-leveled partnership the sexual aspect of the relationship becomes far less important than the other ways a relationship feeds us — with trust, encouragement, consistency, and care. Relationships are an exchange of mutual care. Sexual attraction is part of phase-one construction that helps us secure a bond. But if we do not trust love, or deep-down feel unlovable, then our libido will be wired for pain. In that case, it is our journey to learn to use mind over heart. To think through our attractions and make different, often scary, choices instead of being led down a path of hormones toward a familiar pain. The key to happiness is our ability intellectually process our emotional life and make behavioral changes that may feel uncomfortable at first, but represent progress.
So can “bad” sex turn into “good” sex? Of course it can. Sexual incompatibility may be a case of nerves, inexperience, or a leap into those uncharted emotional waters. The solution is talk, trust, and gentle exploration. And, if you can’t talk about sex with someone then you shouldn’t be having sex with them.