Recently my twelve-year-old daughter brought me her first real problem. I’ll save you the details of the problem, because the important point is that I felt honored she would disclose such private adolescent material to her dear old ma. In my day, I wouldn’t have dared breath a word about my inner emotional world to my Catholic, admonishing mother. My relationship with my mother revolved around household chores and academic success. Personal problems landed in my diary or with my peers.
But times have changed. Children’s inner voices and emotional lives are being respected and even nurtured. Mothers are in some ways becoming friends with their children. And the relationship is a two-way street with mothers disclosing more and more to their kids, especially their daughters, about their own internal worlds. All this begs a few questions. Like, where should the boundaries be between mothers and daughters? When is close, too close? Are kids (even adult kids) ever ready to hear about parents’ personal problems?
First of all, when children are young, they really need a parent more than another friend. Parents provide boundaries and protection. Disclosing adult problems to small children can give them anxiety. On-the-other hand, children are tiny sponges that soak up their parents’ emotional moods, so trying to hide your feelings is like trying to hide a steak from a canine. Being emotionally open and disclosing the source of your sadness or anxiety in limited, simple terms is the healthy way to go. Assuring children that your emotional state is not their fault and that you are solely responsible for finding a solution is the way to stay a protective parent even when you are distressed.
But mothers and older daughters are an interesting coupling. Unlike fathers, who are slightly less likely to become emotionally fused with their sons, mothers and daughters sometimes thrive on emotional closeness. All very well and good if the family system is one where personal boundaries are taught and respected. In my opinion there are two kinds of intimate relationships that are not growth enhancing — one that is two independent where people live like polite roommates and tread gently around any topic that might risk intimacy, and the other I call “fusion” where people are so close they can’t remember whose problem is whose. As daughters get older, one of these two scenarios often gets enlivened in her relationship with her mother.
The harder task is to practice interdependence, where each mother and daughter may lean on each other from time to time, but also know when to step back and let the other solve their own problems. Being close to your mother is a wonderful gift. Being dominated by your mother is another matter.
Part of the journey from childhood to adulthood is a process called individuation where one examines the values of their family and peers, chooses which to retain and which to discard, and then looks toward the world at large for other like-minded beliefs, to eventually shape themselves as an individual. This process can’t happen if the only choice mothers give their daughters is to conform to family values. Bottom line: Can mothers and daughters be friends? Certainly, if they are allowed to disagree and suffer no emotional blackmail as a result.
Tags: mother and daughters