We all know that relationships are a system of interdependence. Partners provide back-and-forth give-and-take on a daily basis. Now new research shows that expressing gratitude both verbally and behaviorally acts as a booster shot for relationship health.
The study was authored by Dr. Sara Algoe and is published in this month’s issue of “Personal Relationships.” In it, sixty-five couples were studied who were in ongoing, satisfying, and committed relationships. The researchers followed the day-to-day fluctuations in relationship satisfaction and connection for each partner and found that little, everyday, ups and downs in relationship quality were reliably marked by one person’s feelings of gratitude. The positive effects on the relationship were noticed even the day after feeling the gratitude was expressed. This study supports the idea that that even everyday gratitude serves an important relationship maintenance mechanism.
But the authors warn that expressing “indebtedness,” a need to repay the kind action, did not have the same affect. I’m wondering if an expression of “I owe you one” implies a scoring system where equal contribution is the expected outcome. Kindness has the most value if it involves a sponteneous sacrifice by the giver, not an I.O.U.
When I think of this concept, I am reminded of the relationship I have with one of my closest girlfriends. Over the course of our twenty year friendship money has changed hands in a very fluid way with an unspoken rule: Whoever is flush picks up the check. And should either my girlfriend and I utter the phrase, “I owe you one” it is quickly responded to with, “No you don’t. It all comes out in the laundry.” Thus, our friendship is given the booster shot of gratitude far more often than any calculation of debts.
So, gratitude is the way to go. According to the author of the study, “Gratitude triggers a cascade of responses within the person who feels it in that very moment, changing the way the person views the generous benefactor, as well as motivations toward the benefactor. This is especially true when a person shows that they care about the partner’s needs and preferences.”