Posts Tagged ‘Relationship Tools’

Sage Advice For Long Lasting Love

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

We are living in a time when Americans are obsessed with partner selection. Our media is full of dating news, celebrity dating stories, dating TV shows, and dating advice columns (guilty.) The problem is this: While we are consumed with attracting and procuring a mate, we are less concerned with acquiring good relationship tools. In other words, once we find a lover, we have no idea how to maintain the relationship past the sexual chemistry decline, so we blame our “poor choice” and start searching again. This is understandable. We are now dealing with multi-generational divorce patterns so many Americans have not witnessed strong love skills in our parents nor our grandparents.

Recently I posted a simple question to some of my Facebook friends. I asked if you had one perfect tip for long lasting love, what would it be. My followers loved this question. In a matter of minutes I had more than fifty helpful responses.

Of course there was the expected smattering of married folks who have figured out that one key to long term monogamy is sexual creativity so I did hear about fabulous lingerie and nod to “hot monkey lovin” as the best way to keep love alive. But far more often the comments had to do with respect for one’s partner.

One FB-friend asked a 98 year old woman, who had been married for sixty years. Her advice was simple and sage: “Don’t boss and don’t criticize.”

Another said that caring about someone else’s feelings as if they were your own is the key. Still another emphasized the fact that partners will not agree on everything and some things will never change in your partner, so heaving into the relationship with a healthy sack of “acceptance” is crucial.

Other blog readers served up some excellent conflict resolution skills.  Said one, “Agree that when you’re fighting, you NEVER bring up stuff that’s already been resolved from previous fights. Otherwise, the fight becomes a character assassination. Also, avoid using word like “always” and “never” when disagreeing. Focus on the specific point of contention and how to resolve it.”

Forgiveness was another good suggestion. And remember, forgiveness is a gift to yourself not the person you are forgiving. Relieving yourself of anger and resentment lightens your load and lets you love more.

But, lest you think my wise readers look at love as all about patience, kindness, and giving, know that many of them understand that your best relationship is an extension of the one you have with yourself. They shared some wise words about self respect. One said, “In my marriage, the #1 above all others is respect. Mutual respect. But enough self-respect to know when you aren’t getting it. And awesome sex doesn’t hurt!” Another summed it up more succinctly, “You have to love yourself before you can love anybody else.”

Probably the most astute answer was intended as humor (but we all know that comedy is just tragedy viewed from across the street, anyway.) He said the perfect relationship tip is “to choose a mate most similar to one’s own most damaged parent.” Great joke. But the truth is we always, unconsciously choose partners that help us work out our early childhood conflicts. Just as I had a father in the Navy, I prefer traveling men and am always determined to get them to stay home more. Others might have had a cold, unfeeling parent and are most attracted to emotionally avoidant partners. Whatever it is, bringing the conflict to light and working things out consciously is important.

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Why Men Stray More than Women (And How to Prevent Cheating)

Friday, February 26th, 2010

It is estimated that 65% of divorces occur  because of an extra-marital affair. And, despite the sexual revolution and the reduction of the “double standard,” more men still cheat than women. Now science shows us why this gender imbalance might exist.

First, there could be a genetic link. Swedish researchers recently identified an “infidelity gene,” which is present in four of 10 men. This gene can explain why some men are more prone to stormy relationships and bond less to their wives or girlfriends. However, it’s important to remember that biology is not destiny. People born with genetic predispositions to say, heart disease or obesity, make lifestyle adjustments that compensate for the negative gene.

Secondly, men may find it easier to cheat because they feel less guilt than woman. A Spanish study recently revealed that the interpersonal sensitivity of men (especially those aged between 25-33) is low compared to women. This clearly could affect a man’s ability to empathize with his partner. The study also showed that men feel less intense guilt and this difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group, a group particularly vulnerable to the mid-life crisis affair.

Finally, more men fear emotional intimacy more than do women. Believe it or not, some men find lovers so they can  avoid any real intimacy. Emotional closeness and the expression of vulnerability that goes with it scares many men, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them. At the same time,  they don’t get too emotionally involved with their lovers. This kind of “watering down of the milk” feels safer to some men.

As always, my solution to bullet-proof relationships is to grow a bond through emotional intimacy. To make a relationship  rock-solid, one must move a step or two closer to the bone, and hone some relationship skills. Compassion can be learned. Fair-fighting is a skill. And stonewalling is a killer of all connection. Intimacy is not easy nor painfree. Extreme emotional intimacy and mutual care may involve squeamish feelings of shame, the forced expression of awkward words, an ability to see the ugly in others and still love them, and worse,  the ability to glaringly see the ugly in ourselves and still feel lovable. But the pay-back is pure kryptonite. An I’ve-got-your-back-if-you’ve-got-mine emotional contract that can make your relationship affair-proof.


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Ten Rules For High Tech Love

Sunday, November 8th, 2009

imagesText, Email, Facebook, & Twitter give the appearance of instant access to your lover. A way to stay connected. But it’s a clever trick. The very things that are designed to keep us closer, if used incorrectly, can brutally tear us apart.

To understand what I mean, let’s think about the things that keep a low-tech relationship sharp — plenty of face-to-face time, long conversations, great sex (with foreplay and after-play), and intimate activities like Sunday morning toe-touching in bed with the New York Times. These practices are the workhorse of intimacy, and they are irreplaceable.

Now let’s consider a modern “high-tech” relationship. A few texts or emails sent during the week to firm up weekend plans. A rendezvous on the weekend that may or may not involve sex (or may involve only sex and no date) and then a Facebook status report on Monday that confirms that your partner is  indeed “in a relationship.” You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? Not a bit. People write to me all the time with questions about the meaning and protocol of Facebook’s “In a Relationship” descriptor. And during the week, those same people hang onto their electronic device like it is a life-line to love. They reread the texts. They count the texts. They interpret the texts. They depend on a string of impulsive digital communications to determine how secure their relationship is!

This is not compassionate love, people. This is a crazy mind game. And it is not communication. It is a poor replacement for healthy communication.

I used the example of text because most people are oblivious to how dangerous a weapon it can be. With text’s brevity and it’s inability to gage the mood of the receiver, those 140 characters can be packed with a power to inflict great pain if taken the wrong way, and read at the wrong time. Of course, email has it’s on list of transgressions. A longer format and a safer place to express feelings, email is still void of eye contact, touch, body language, and voice tone. Could you imagine listening to a recording of your favorite band, with most of the instruments missing? That’s what email is to human communication.

With all that said, in the busy world of convenience and multi-taking, is there, in fact, a way to use technology to grow love verses extinguish it? Well, thank you for asking! Yes, there certainly is. Here’s Dr. Walsh’s list of Do’s and Don’ts for high Tech love:

Ten Rules for Using Technology to Grow Love:

1. Make sure phone calls outnumber emails. Emails are not a substitute for voice-to-voice communication. They are just a side dish.

2. Send texts regularly, every other day or so. If you are dating and growing a relationship, a short, brief text can help you stay in his or her mind. If you are married and/or living together a text every now and then can help keep love alive.

3. Don’t bombard them with texts! (or emails) That’s stalker shit.

4. Only say positive things in a text. 140 characters is no room to criticize, complain, offer advice, or explain your complicated life. Stick to greeting card slogans: “Thinking of You” and “Wish Your Were Here.”

5. Use tech to schedule a more intimate phone call. This is what all boys and girls like to read in a text or email: “Missing You! What time can we chat?”

6. If you are on Facebook and see that your date or mate is also online, it is always polite to send a IM of hello. In the real world if you both turned up at the same party, you wouldn’t ignore them, right?

7. Tech is meant to be a two-way conversation. If anyone you care about sends you an email or a text, and you are swamped, you still must respond! Even the most busy of us can find a second to send at least a happy face. Keep the line of communication going and the next phone call will be a happy one.

8. Even if you have a good excuse, do not flirt with anyone on Facebook if your status reads “In a Relationship.” That’s a bonehead move.

9. Never Tweet or Facebook Post any information about your real-world relationships (Especially the one with your Ex!) To do so would be inviting a forum to enter your tender relationships. Intimacy must grow in privacy.

10. Never break up using technology. Period. If you were brave enough to enter the relationship with your voice (or any other body part) you can find the cojones to break up with grace and class. Use your words, people. And say it out loud.

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The Art of Forgiveness

Saturday, September 12th, 2009

From MomLogic.comThere’s no way around it, when someone has wronged us, it hurts. It often hurts a lot for a very long time. The injury could be minor, though profound, like a betrayal by a friend, or it could be major, like a physical assault. The point of the saying is that, no matter the injury, we can’t truly move on until we learn to forgive. And that’s a very tough walk. Here are a few thoughts on the art of forgiveness and how we can all learn to cultivate it.

First of all, think of forgiveness as a gift to yourself, not a gift to your offender. When a deep injury is done to us, we’ll never recover until we forgive. It is a way to clear a blockage in our minds and move forward with new knowledge and new growth. We are a more evolved person after we forgive, and that’s our gift to ourselves.

Forgiveness requires empathy. It is essential that you begin the forgiveness process by putting yourself in the shoes of your offender. Imagine that pain and fear are behind his or her anger. Imagine a small child inside your enemy who is as confused as you are about the injury. Imagine what it must feel like to walk with the guilt of having hurt someone. It doesn’t matter if your offender will ever actually get to the conscious place of feeling guilt and remorse. He or she need not seek your forgiveness in order for you to have a transformation. This process is about you. But it is helpful to come up with some explanation for your offender’s heinous action that feels rational to you. This is your mental journey. So, whether you imagine their bad childhood, their feelings of racial or gender persecution, or their feelings of envy toward you, find a reason for their bad behavior.

Now, from that place of understanding, make a conscious decision to forgive that person. Create a private action that supports your decision. Write an unsent letter to them, light a candle and say a prayer in their name, or simply stick a post-it on your bathroom mirror that says “I forgive (insert name) I have feelings of love for (insert name).” This is a secret act but it’s a powerful action for brain change. For a few weeks, return daily to these private actions of forgiveness. Reread that letter. Relight that candle. Say the words on the post-it out loud. This is a way to rewire your brain.

The biggest step toward forgiveness is to express it to your offender. Whether you do it in an email (easiest) on the phone or in person (best, if possible) it must be done so that you can move on. And the tricky part of forgiveness is this: to express forgiveness without expressing blame. Your words should focus on your own feelings of hurt rather than the act that caused the injury. So, instead of saying, “I forgive you for stealing from me, you jerk,” you might say something like, “I felt so betrayed when I lost that money. But now I am letting go of those feelings. I want the best for you.” This is your journey and this higher level communication will speak to the highest level of your offender’s personality.

And, be reminded that forgiveness in not a magic trick to change someone else. Even if you change, the other person may not. And that’s okay. And finally, know that forgiveness takes maintenance. During future life stresses, old feelings about this injury may bubble up again. Each time they do, quietly walk those feelings back to bed with the same techniques. Eventually enough time will pass that those memories will lose their emotional punch. Forgiveness is the most mentally freeing experience. I encourage you to try it.

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Good Fights? Bad Fights? What Kills A Relationship?

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

Ever been in a passionate argument with your spouse and had the thought, “This is it. This will divorce us for sure?” Here’s a secret: Most people have those thoughts in the heat of an angry exchange, because in the regressed mental state called rage, “water under the bridge” doesn’t seem like an option.

Conflict is a natural part of having an intimate relationship. As couples come back to each other after a fight, in a place of love with words of contrition and forgiveness, the relationship is often stronger for it. It is at least more intimate. The bumpy road of conflict followed by repair is the route to a deeper connection. Now we know our partner’s hot buttons very well. And hopefully he knows our tender spots too.

But how can you tell if your fights are “good fights,” the kind that will eventually help you grow closer, or “bad fights”, the kind that chip away at your bond and erode your love? Some kinds of fights do function as a slow kill on your relationship.

There are some things to consider: First of all, think about the power of the words used during a fight. Yes, even though psychotherapists stress that we must use words that focus on our feelings rather than accusations, even the most educated of us resort to blaming sentences that begin with the word “YOU!” That alone doesn’t indicate a “bad fight” unless it is also followed by vicious name calling. Name calling is a bad sign. It indicates that one partner has temporarily forgotten the other’s identity and has substituted it by a skewed stereotype. It’s hard to drop those evil caricatures once our minds have created them. If you see him as a loser and tell him over and over, you are also rewiring your brain to believe this is true.

One other thing to consider is the amount of voice time alloted each arguer. If the yelling is terribly lop-sided and one partner gets more air time, then something else is going on. Either intimidation by the loud mouth, or an emotional retreat by the other. Both things are not fighting fair.

As injurious as a fight can be, the biggest determinant of whether it is a “good fight” is the way repair is made afterward. There are many unique ways that couples come back into relationship after a fight. Notes left by the morning coffee pot, flowers at the office, and my favorite — off-the-charts make-up sex. But the important thing to remember is that love and respect can return.

Dangerous aftermaths include icy treatment for days on end. Little jabs thrown into unrelated conversations. Passive aggressive, retaliatory behavior. And worst of all, a fight that morphs into other fights that get flooded with material from old injuries. “Remember the time you…..”

The best way to learn to have “good fights” is to establish ground rules before any fighting begins. Men love rules of the game. It reminds them of sports and makes fighting a healthy challenge rather than a confusing battle with a scary, invisible opponent. Some ground rules might include, no name calling, no stonewalling, no fighting in front of the kids, no going to bed mad, and most importantly, scheduled make-up time the next day. It is also important to understand that each person has their own fighting style that must be respected. A man who walks out the door for brisk walk during an argument may not be rejecting you, he may be protecting you from a shift from words to action. Some people need a time-out to regroup and think during a fight. The time to talk about fighting styles, of course, is when you are not fighting.

Arguments with someone we are deeply committed to can be very, very scary. And the outcome of a fight may not be what we bargained for, but two individual people sharing a life will have many opportunities to compromise. Remember, it’s not who wins the match that matters, it’s how the game is played. Reminding yourself that love can return is the best way to insure that you have good fights.


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Pregnancy Sex Pot or Pregnancy Prude?

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

pregnancy-and-sexThe thing is this: Hormone changes during pregnancy can impact libido in many ways. Some women are randy as can be during gestation (those lucky gals!) and their husbands are in man heaven. Other women would sooner opt for a root canal than the insertion of their man’s member into their birth canal. To make the picture even more complicated, men may have varied reactions when their, ahem, if I may say, whore blossoms into a Madonna. And I don’t mean the one who vogues. So let’s take this scenario-by-scenario.

Scenario #1: You want it. He’s afraid he’ll hurt the baby, or break the law, or go to hell.

Dr Walsh says: Get him the necessary medical information to assuage his fears about safety. Get yourself an empire waist nighty from Victoria’s Secret, a black lace thong, and a pair of stilettos that will never see pavement. If all else fails, obtain a certificate of permission from his priest or rabbi.

Scenario #2: He wants it. Finds you a babe. You feel like a fat cow and couldn’t possibly.

Dr. Walsh says: Close your eyes. Muster all the images you ever had of being slim and rearing to go. And, no, it’s not cheating to think of former lovers or movie stars. (Just don’t call out their names.) If your problem is lubrication, try the myriad of commercial lubricants out there. They even sell them in grocery stores now. If painful intercourse is an issue, or if you feel dizzy lying on your back, try lying on your side and welcoming him from behind. If all else fails, use the lubricant on him. Remember girl, corkscrew motion. I know you can be a good hostess.

Scenario #3: Nobody wants it and you’re afraid you’re growing apart.

Dr. Walsh says: There are many forms of intimacy outside of sexual intimacy. Making time to just be together is important. Talking is a great way to maintain closeness. And affection takes on new meaning when both your hands are probing the contours of the little being that’s growing inside. Snuggle in bed with his hands on your tummy and you’ll know why some people refer to children as “the glue” in a relationship. Above all, know that this is a phase and your sexual relationship will go through many incarnations during the long haul. Keep talking about it to keep it conscious between you both.

Scenario #4: You both want it. Nobody’s making it to the office anymore.

Dr. Walsh says: Oh to have such problems. If you want to keep your girlfriends, don’t brag about this.

One final note, remember there is no better way to bring on labor than some nipple stimulation and an earth shattering orgasm. Once you hit 39 weeks, girlfriend, my advice is to go for it.

Personal disclosure: When I was 39 weeks with my second child, I had no intention of reliving the FORTY-TWO-WEEK pregnancy of my first daughter. So, at 39 weeks, on the advice of an obstetrician, we farmed our 5-year-old out to friends, ordered some spicy Chinese food, and vowed to knock boots until the sun came up, if that’s what it took. It didn’t take that. A little nipple action and I was on my way to the greatest orgasm of my life as my water broke simultaneously. The pleasure and excitement of laboring while loving is a memory I’ll cherish forever.

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