Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

The New Trophy: A Married Man?

Friday, March 19th, 2010

Not so long ago, women who had sexual relationships with men who were legally bound to another woman were considered social outcasts. Our language clearly illustrated the sexual double standard that existed. While he was a gentleman who “stepped out” of his marriage, she was a whore, slut, or home-wrecker (as if he had never laid hands on the wreaking ball, himself.) My favorites are “Mistress” and “Kept Woman” because they, at least, imply some outlay of financial resources indicative of an emotional connection.

In cultures throughout history our complicated human social structures have always made room for extra-marital affairs. During the sexual repression of Victorian England where a high status woman faced scandal if even an ankle were exposed, the brothel business boomed. It is estimated that the ratio of prostitutes to males over the age of 18 in Victorian England was 12-1. And most of those young women died early from STD’s.

Sadly, the same tragedy is living itself out in the Indian/Asian sex slave business today. One of the shameful growing pains of feminism is that high status women are delaying marriage (often to the age of 30) to pursue a career, while keeping their hymens intact. The result is a lack of available sexual partners for men who are still required to marry a virgin. Today’s version of Victorian England? Millions of impoverished girls being sold into brothels by their own families.

But here in modern America, women have almost as much sexual freedom as men, and many seem to be happy to live it to the fullest. And, while the media pays lip service to the tired refrain of  “she’s a home-wreaker,” Rielle Hunter, Rachel Uchitel, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, etc., the truth is the freedom these women have to stage a tell-all about their affairs is the new boundary for men. Women who were kept secret and sequestered for fear of public shame can now, come out of the closet or Vegas hotel room and, finally blame the one who broke his commitment.

I know you’ll beat me up for saying this, but none of these women ever stood at an alter with the wife of her man and made a commitment to honor her. Of course, you can argue that any card-carrying member of the girls club should honor all women, and that being young, female, single, and orgasm hungry, shouldn’t give you a hall pass to bad behavior. I totally agree with that. But who really broke their commitment to marriage? The single woman who has never met the wife, or the guy who met her, married her, and made a giant promise to her? Gentlemen, I hand you the wrecking ball.

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Posted in Celebrity Relationships, Marriage, Sexuality | 1 Comment »

Ten Rules For High Tech Love

Sunday, November 8th, 2009

imagesText, Email, Facebook, & Twitter give the appearance of instant access to your lover. A way to stay connected. But it’s a clever trick. The very things that are designed to keep us closer, if used incorrectly, can brutally tear us apart.

To understand what I mean, let’s think about the things that keep a low-tech relationship sharp — plenty of face-to-face time, long conversations, great sex (with foreplay and after-play), and intimate activities like Sunday morning toe-touching in bed with the New York Times. These practices are the workhorse of intimacy, and they are irreplaceable.

Now let’s consider a modern “high-tech” relationship. A few texts or emails sent during the week to firm up weekend plans. A rendezvous on the weekend that may or may not involve sex (or may involve only sex and no date) and then a Facebook status report on Monday that confirms that your partner is  indeed “in a relationship.” You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? Not a bit. People write to me all the time with questions about the meaning and protocol of Facebook’s “In a Relationship” descriptor. And during the week, those same people hang onto their electronic device like it is a life-line to love. They reread the texts. They count the texts. They interpret the texts. They depend on a string of impulsive digital communications to determine how secure their relationship is!

This is not compassionate love, people. This is a crazy mind game. And it is not communication. It is a poor replacement for healthy communication.

I used the example of text because most people are oblivious to how dangerous a weapon it can be. With text’s brevity and it’s inability to gage the mood of the receiver, those 140 characters can be packed with a power to inflict great pain if taken the wrong way, and read at the wrong time. Of course, email has it’s on list of transgressions. A longer format and a safer place to express feelings, email is still void of eye contact, touch, body language, and voice tone. Could you imagine listening to a recording of your favorite band, with most of the instruments missing? That’s what email is to human communication.

With all that said, in the busy world of convenience and multi-taking, is there, in fact, a way to use technology to grow love verses extinguish it? Well, thank you for asking! Yes, there certainly is. Here’s Dr. Walsh’s list of Do’s and Don’ts for high Tech love:

Ten Rules for Using Technology to Grow Love:

1. Make sure phone calls outnumber emails. Emails are not a substitute for voice-to-voice communication. They are just a side dish.

2. Send texts regularly, every other day or so. If you are dating and growing a relationship, a short, brief text can help you stay in his or her mind. If you are married and/or living together a text every now and then can help keep love alive.

3. Don’t bombard them with texts! (or emails) That’s stalker shit.

4. Only say positive things in a text. 140 characters is no room to criticize, complain, offer advice, or explain your complicated life. Stick to greeting card slogans: “Thinking of You” and “Wish Your Were Here.”

5. Use tech to schedule a more intimate phone call. This is what all boys and girls like to read in a text or email: “Missing You! What time can we chat?”

6. If you are on Facebook and see that your date or mate is also online, it is always polite to send a IM of hello. In the real world if you both turned up at the same party, you wouldn’t ignore them, right?

7. Tech is meant to be a two-way conversation. If anyone you care about sends you an email or a text, and you are swamped, you still must respond! Even the most busy of us can find a second to send at least a happy face. Keep the line of communication going and the next phone call will be a happy one.

8. Even if you have a good excuse, do not flirt with anyone on Facebook if your status reads “In a Relationship.” That’s a bonehead move.

9. Never Tweet or Facebook Post any information about your real-world relationships (Especially the one with your Ex!) To do so would be inviting a forum to enter your tender relationships. Intimacy must grow in privacy.

10. Never break up using technology. Period. If you were brave enough to enter the relationship with your voice (or any other body part) you can find the cojones to break up with grace and class. Use your words, people. And say it out loud.

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What Does Your Attachment Style Mean?

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

images-1In the last four blogs I have explained the complicated picture of our internal world of come-closer/go-away behaviors. Now let’s think for a moment about hook-ups, dates, and marriages. Who are the players that prefer a certain type of arrangement?

Might it be that those sexually adventurous, culturally progressive partners in hook-ups are actually emotional avoidant, dismissive, boys and girls who conveniently use the rules of a hook-up for their own inadequacies? Or worse, might the anxious gals and guys, go after the hook-up culture as a way to unconsciously live out their own trauma, again, and again? That is, they may painfully wait by the phone for the hook-up to call back and morph into a real suitor. These people are more likely addicted to longing than to comfortable feelings of love. What about those who date, maybe even live together, but avoid the big M? Could they be kind of fearful and avoidant? And, the marriagble types? Could the gazillion dollar wedding industry only be fueled by securely attached people? I don’t think so. If so, why do they need such a public display of committment? A cream colored vintage dress at a city hall might due as well, if it is really based on a secure commitment. But as you can see, there is much more going on below the surface, and sometimes paying a ton of money and getting married in front of a giant crowd, can be a sign of INSECURITY about love.

The first step in attachment style is to become aware of yours. I’ve included one attachment survey at the end of this chapter and there are many more online. Once you see where you fall in the spectrum of Anxiety and Avoidance, think about how that plays into your sexual behavior, your objects of attraction, and your relationship goals. Are you a hook up, a date, or a mate? And why? And most importantly, is your behavior vastly at odds with your goals, i.e. you crave autonomy yet you are attracted to smothering lovers, or visa versa.

The next thing to consider is that each partner in a given relationship has a different attachment style. There are a couple trends in attachment mate selection — like anxious lovers tend to become easily attracted to avoidant people because they live out their pre-programed pain. Let me explain that a bit. Once we survive childhood pain, we become familiar and even “comfortable” with it. When we meet a version of that same pain later in life, we become attracted to it because it reeks of something we know. Something we know we can survive. We did it once, we can do it again. But what about love, acceptance, and happiness? Let me tell ya, that is one scary propesition when it is a foreign concept. Take Richard, for example, a classic anxious attachment story:

I just got offline from an IM conversation with my friend Richard. He was bemoaning the loss of yet another much younger girlfriend who sent him to heaven with each sexual encounter and then threw him a hell of lies and insincerity the rest of the time. He kept wanting to analyse her. Why she would do this if she loved him so much? Was it the hurt from her last boyfriend? Couldn’t he prove to her that he could love her more? His love for her felt like an addiction. He was missing her so much that I could feel his pain. But the word he kept asking was WHY. I told him to accept what is, not ask why, and just sit with his pain for awhile. He wasn’t prepared to entertain that thought for one minute. He was like a junkie jumping out of his skin, wishing for his lost love, or a new girlfriend, or a posse of buddies, or even for me to come over and share a bottle of wine. My heart broke for him. This man couldn’t be alone for one minute because — we eventually talked about this — alone with his thoughts meant feeling lonely and unlovable. And that is the place where the wild things are. That is the place we all must visit if we are to become whole. Of course, the best place to say hello to our wild things is in the safety of a therapist’s office. There in a trust-filled environment, we can become the sad baby who we have trouble showing to a lover. The sad baby who has no place in an adult love relationship anyway.

Three Healing Relationships

The good news about attachment injuries is this: Despite John Bowlby’s dire prediction that attachment injuries are permanent, today’s attachment theorists say that attachment style can change during the lifespan — for better or worse. But let’s talk about the better side. Psychologists have identified three relationships that have the power to heal the damaged child within us. The most obvious, of course, is a therapeutic relationship. In the safety of a private and confidential dyad, a therapist can become a container for our most shameful memories and thoughts, and a presence whose consistency can help rewire our brain. The infant inside can imagine that “mommy” will always be wise, stalwart and compassionate — every Tuesday at 3 pm. Consistency is one mechanism for healing.

Another valuable relationship is the one we can have with our own children. If we are able to break the family cycle of family dysfunction and parent our children the way we wished we had been, both parent and child can benefit. Freud called this psychic defense from pain, sublimation. He felt sublimation was one of the most functional ways to deal with emotional injury –  redirecting pain and helping others avoid a similar fate. But the secret mechanism here the very words parents use. Every time a parent encourages, soothes, and assures a young child, words echo in the adult’s head like a long lost parent. Through our ability to give love, we are soothing and consoling ourselves at the same time. It’s really amazing.

Finally, Psychologists give credit to the marital relationship as a powerful healer. If we are fortunate enough to choose a partner who has an ability to fill in some of the gaps of our childhood, we can be fortified. Too often, though, people have a “compulsion to repeat” and we choose the very pattern that injured us in the first place. At other times, even a relatively happy adult relationship can feel absolutely terrifying, especially if happiness and caring is something foreign to the child within us. I encourage you to take some emotional risks in your relationships. To look closely at your tendency to recoil from care or withhold affection — because authentic love can feel scary. Authentic love is not a perpetual happy place, but it is a home for the heart, one that creaks with age, and burns with an internal fire. Love is the thing that makes us whole.

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Chronic Texters Beware: You Could Have Anxious Attachment Disorder.

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

woman-yelling-at-cell-phone-250There has been much in the media about a psychological injury called an “attachment disorder” as it pertains to babies and parents, but there is an adult version that relates to romantic attachments. There are adults walking among us, stumbling through the world of dating, mating, and relating, while reliving their own preverbal, infantile emotional injuries. Some have a style of attachment that brings as many feelings of anxiety as comfort, and they are called “anxious” attachers. To understand this, let’s take a look at what attachment theory is.

History of Attachment Theory
In his book, Becoming Attached, author Dr. Robert Karen sums up the work of the pioneers of attachment theory well. From the birth of attachment theory, with such thinkers as John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and Mary Main, came the notion that a trusted person — an attachment figure — offers an infant a secure base. A child whose needs are met with appropriate attention, affection, and empathic words will grow to trust the world and to trust relationships, and will translate that feeling of trust to a romantic partner in adult life. John Bowlby, an English psychotherapist from the first part of the last century, is often called the father of attachment theory. He believed that the ties to the parent gradually weaken as the child gets older, and that the secure base function is slowly shifted to other figures, eventually resting on one’s mate.

This tendency of the child to attach in the ways he or she was attached to his/her parents happens because the functions of attachment become an internal property of the child. In other words, we are often unaware of our own attachment style. Attachment theory involves a way of relating to others based on communications and behaviors of both parents in the first years of life. These “messages” about how to love are then combined with a child’s own interactions with each parent, and become an influential cognitive structure — a hard-wired piece of our personality.

Three Principal Patterns of Attachment
Attachment researchers have categorized people based on three principal patterns of attachment. The first is a pattern of secure attachment, in which the person is confident that a parent (usually Mom, and eventually a lover) will be available, responsive, and helpful.

The second is that of anxious resistant attachment, in which the individual is uncertain if a parent will be available and because of that uncertainty, is prone to separation anxiety and is anxious about exploring the world.

The third pattern is an anxious avoidant attachment, in which the individual has no confidence that when he or she seeks care, they will be responded to, and on the contrary, expects rejection.

Adult Romantic Attachment
These three kinds of patterns play out in adult romantic life as well. It is estimated that only about 20 percent of the American population has secure attachment behaviors — the ability to give and receive care with comfort, and a degree of self-esteem that is not dependent on their lover’s reinforcement. What’s left in most of us? We either have a tendency to avoid feelings and closeness, or a confusing pattern of craving and mistrusting love — in various degrees, of course.

People with anxious attachment disorder are vigilant clock-watchers. Since they are dependent on contact and affirmation from their partner, they have an uncanny ability to sense if contact is waning. They tend to be chronic voice mail and e-mail checkers, and have a need for constant texting. They can also be easily prone to feelings of jealousy. They love and respect their partner, but are also wary that that love may disappear. And, while people with anxious attachment disorder crave closeness, they can also be surprisingly terrified when they actually get what they crave. We’ve all met or dated someone who sent us contradictory messages and led us to believe they were interested, only to disappear or behave badly and send us running. People with anxious attachment disorder don’t trust that love is real or reliable, and so they often behave badly when things feel too good.

The good news is that attachment disorders can be healed. An empathetic, ethical therapist can foster a healthy therapist/patient relationship that rebuilds adult attachment style. Patients learn how to depend on relationships, to trust love, and to tolerate criticism and consistent contact. If you feel you are suffering from an attachment disorder, try to find a therapist who specializes in attachment theory.

Attachment theory holds so many keys to adult romantic pair bonding. The unique mating dance of couples is choreographed by the internal world of both partners, creating, in the end, a performance that runs the gamut from an embracing waltz to one in which the dancers continually step on each others’ feet. It is a reflection of the secret world of an infant and parent, played out again with a grown-up body and a new kind of mother — a lover.

(Reposted from www.Mom.Logic.com)

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Is Marriage Becoming Extinct?

Saturday, September 12th, 2009

From MomLogic.comThe shape of our families is changing. People are marrying for the first time later in life, and the divorce rate is soaring, giving way to many single parent households. Single life is no longer a short rite of passage; it’s an important consumer demographic. For the first time in history (since the immigration of mostly male, early settlers), almost half of adult Americans are now unmarried. There’s even a magazine devoted to the lifestyles of those who have made a commitment to be single. It includes ads for commitment rings to purchase for oneself.

But has love changed? Has committed love been replaced by a revolving door of dates? Is long-term monogamy even necessary for our species’ survival? The answers are complicated. Marriage may be changing, but it will never go out of style.  In case you’ve been living under a rock, there’s a fight going on right now in America to allow more people to be granted marital rights.

Marriage may not be going away, but its purpose has shifted. Historically, marriage was a place for women and children to have economic protection. It was a place where religious values could be taught and extended to the next generation, and a place where family fortunes could remain intact. More recently, marriage became a place for a relatively new invention: romantic love. But since dating and hooking up have morphed into America’s favorite pastime, full of hopeful highs and disappointing lows, even romantic love is losing its luster.

So why choose marriage today? Because it is an intellectual decision that leads to survival of the species. Anthropologists have always said that it was human’s sophisticated social structures, including the adoption of long-term monogamy, that help our species procreate and thrive.

Humans are the animals that require a huge amount of nurturing for our psychological and physical survival, more than virtually any other animal on earth. While most newborns are up on four legs and running with the herd just hours after birth, we Homo sapiens have a vulnerable in-arms (or stroller) phase that lasts almost four years. And it’s really, really hard to nurse and carry a baby while extracting resources from the environment. Just ask any single mother. Doable, yes, but very difficult. Remember the mission: to grow up healthy and create offspring that are also healthy and ready for careers and parenthood.

Family therapists know that dysfunctional family systems eventually fall out of evolution’s chain. Each generation has fewer and fewer offspring that survive through the next procreation, until the family line finally dies off. Apparently, neglectful parenting can create drunk drivers, criminals caught in crossfire, hermits, drug addicts, and narcissists too selfish for parenting — all people with lower chances of reproducing. But let me make one thing clear before I get inundated with e-mails about this: I am IN NO WAY SAYING that all single mothers create dysfunctional families. What I am saying is that every time one factor is removed from a system that has been selected through evolution, the chances for dysfunction increase. Plenty of single mothers are raising healthy kids with the help of extended family, surrogate male role models, and friendship villages that act as a de facto family. And this is part of our changing family structure.

Evolution has shown that our best chances for survival and for the survival of our offspring’s offspring is a team approach to raising humans. And the best team captains are people who have a biological interest in the child. And to create that, we need to sometimes put the notion of romantic love aside and make an intellectual decision to do what’s best for our genes, ahem, I mean kids.

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Good Fights? Bad Fights? What Kills A Relationship?

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

Ever been in a passionate argument with your spouse and had the thought, “This is it. This will divorce us for sure?” Here’s a secret: Most people have those thoughts in the heat of an angry exchange, because in the regressed mental state called rage, “water under the bridge” doesn’t seem like an option.

Conflict is a natural part of having an intimate relationship. As couples come back to each other after a fight, in a place of love with words of contrition and forgiveness, the relationship is often stronger for it. It is at least more intimate. The bumpy road of conflict followed by repair is the route to a deeper connection. Now we know our partner’s hot buttons very well. And hopefully he knows our tender spots too.

But how can you tell if your fights are “good fights,” the kind that will eventually help you grow closer, or “bad fights”, the kind that chip away at your bond and erode your love? Some kinds of fights do function as a slow kill on your relationship.

There are some things to consider: First of all, think about the power of the words used during a fight. Yes, even though psychotherapists stress that we must use words that focus on our feelings rather than accusations, even the most educated of us resort to blaming sentences that begin with the word “YOU!” That alone doesn’t indicate a “bad fight” unless it is also followed by vicious name calling. Name calling is a bad sign. It indicates that one partner has temporarily forgotten the other’s identity and has substituted it by a skewed stereotype. It’s hard to drop those evil caricatures once our minds have created them. If you see him as a loser and tell him over and over, you are also rewiring your brain to believe this is true.

One other thing to consider is the amount of voice time alloted each arguer. If the yelling is terribly lop-sided and one partner gets more air time, then something else is going on. Either intimidation by the loud mouth, or an emotional retreat by the other. Both things are not fighting fair.

As injurious as a fight can be, the biggest determinant of whether it is a “good fight” is the way repair is made afterward. There are many unique ways that couples come back into relationship after a fight. Notes left by the morning coffee pot, flowers at the office, and my favorite — off-the-charts make-up sex. But the important thing to remember is that love and respect can return.

Dangerous aftermaths include icy treatment for days on end. Little jabs thrown into unrelated conversations. Passive aggressive, retaliatory behavior. And worst of all, a fight that morphs into other fights that get flooded with material from old injuries. “Remember the time you…..”

The best way to learn to have “good fights” is to establish ground rules before any fighting begins. Men love rules of the game. It reminds them of sports and makes fighting a healthy challenge rather than a confusing battle with a scary, invisible opponent. Some ground rules might include, no name calling, no stonewalling, no fighting in front of the kids, no going to bed mad, and most importantly, scheduled make-up time the next day. It is also important to understand that each person has their own fighting style that must be respected. A man who walks out the door for brisk walk during an argument may not be rejecting you, he may be protecting you from a shift from words to action. Some people need a time-out to regroup and think during a fight. The time to talk about fighting styles, of course, is when you are not fighting.

Arguments with someone we are deeply committed to can be very, very scary. And the outcome of a fight may not be what we bargained for, but two individual people sharing a life will have many opportunities to compromise. Remember, it’s not who wins the match that matters, it’s how the game is played. Reminding yourself that love can return is the best way to insure that you have good fights.


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Pregnancy Sex Pot or Pregnancy Prude?

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

pregnancy-and-sexThe thing is this: Hormone changes during pregnancy can impact libido in many ways. Some women are randy as can be during gestation (those lucky gals!) and their husbands are in man heaven. Other women would sooner opt for a root canal than the insertion of their man’s member into their birth canal. To make the picture even more complicated, men may have varied reactions when their, ahem, if I may say, whore blossoms into a Madonna. And I don’t mean the one who vogues. So let’s take this scenario-by-scenario.

Scenario #1: You want it. He’s afraid he’ll hurt the baby, or break the law, or go to hell.

Dr Walsh says: Get him the necessary medical information to assuage his fears about safety. Get yourself an empire waist nighty from Victoria’s Secret, a black lace thong, and a pair of stilettos that will never see pavement. If all else fails, obtain a certificate of permission from his priest or rabbi.

Scenario #2: He wants it. Finds you a babe. You feel like a fat cow and couldn’t possibly.

Dr. Walsh says: Close your eyes. Muster all the images you ever had of being slim and rearing to go. And, no, it’s not cheating to think of former lovers or movie stars. (Just don’t call out their names.) If your problem is lubrication, try the myriad of commercial lubricants out there. They even sell them in grocery stores now. If painful intercourse is an issue, or if you feel dizzy lying on your back, try lying on your side and welcoming him from behind. If all else fails, use the lubricant on him. Remember girl, corkscrew motion. I know you can be a good hostess.

Scenario #3: Nobody wants it and you’re afraid you’re growing apart.

Dr. Walsh says: There are many forms of intimacy outside of sexual intimacy. Making time to just be together is important. Talking is a great way to maintain closeness. And affection takes on new meaning when both your hands are probing the contours of the little being that’s growing inside. Snuggle in bed with his hands on your tummy and you’ll know why some people refer to children as “the glue” in a relationship. Above all, know that this is a phase and your sexual relationship will go through many incarnations during the long haul. Keep talking about it to keep it conscious between you both.

Scenario #4: You both want it. Nobody’s making it to the office anymore.

Dr. Walsh says: Oh to have such problems. If you want to keep your girlfriends, don’t brag about this.

One final note, remember there is no better way to bring on labor than some nipple stimulation and an earth shattering orgasm. Once you hit 39 weeks, girlfriend, my advice is to go for it.

Personal disclosure: When I was 39 weeks with my second child, I had no intention of reliving the FORTY-TWO-WEEK pregnancy of my first daughter. So, at 39 weeks, on the advice of an obstetrician, we farmed our 5-year-old out to friends, ordered some spicy Chinese food, and vowed to knock boots until the sun came up, if that’s what it took. It didn’t take that. A little nipple action and I was on my way to the greatest orgasm of my life as my water broke simultaneously. The pleasure and excitement of laboring while loving is a memory I’ll cherish forever.

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