Posts Tagged ‘Tiger Woods’

Is “Sex Addiction” Just An Excuse for Bad Morals?

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

First Tiger Woods. Now Jesse James. Mr. Sandra Bullock has reportedly entered treatment for sex addiction after four mistresses have come forward alleging affairs with him.  There has been a lot of attention in the media lately about sex addiction as a possible diagnosis with a disease model. Most of the stories stem from Tiger Woods stay at an in-treatment facility that specializes in something called sex addiction. The problem is that sex addiction is not a clinical diagnosis. The bible for psychotherapists, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, does not list sexual addiction anywhere.

There’s no doubt that sexual attraction and orgasm alter brain chemistry. And one can crave the rush of hormones and endorphins that tend to accompany a sexual conquest. While “sex addiction” may not be a formal mental illness, the behavior certainly mimics substance addiction in that the preoccupation with obtaining the next “high” can debilitise lives. Any chronic behavior that negatively affects ones personal relationships or professional life it is considered a disorder.

So, are Tiger and the 3-5% of men and women who claim to have a sex addiction, hiding behind a simple character flaw? The answer is a bit complicated. Yes, and No. Certainly “sex addicts” appear to be attempting to put a sympathetic label on their dysfunctional behavior (who wouldn’t?) but even if sex addiction is considered only a character flaw, what is that? Simply a lapse in sound judgment? If so, could they just stop?

The thing that sets bad moral character apart from a physiological disorder is the degree of craving, the inability to stop, and the ensuing damage to one’s personal and professional life. If all these ducks are in order, this is a mental illness in my book.

Want to find out if you or someone you know has a sex addiction? Click here.

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Posted in Hooking Up, Sexuality | No Comments »

Famous Wives. Public Embarrassment.

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Any wife who has been cheated on knows the visceral effect of embarrassment in her social circle. The gossips in the peripheral of her every move sing muffled chants about her role in the affair or why she bothers to stay in the marriage. But when that everyday wife appears in person, the tongues quiet and public smiles replace the wagging tongues.

A famous wife knows an entirely different kind of public embarrassment. She looks no further than her super-market aisles, the local radio, or the national news for the openly wagging tongues. Our hearts bleed for Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Edwards and Elin Woods, and so we moralize, we bemuse, and we give advice as if these women were our own sisters. The media and general public feel safe in gossiping about famous people because they seem so far removed. We are reminded that their problems are much like ours, although often on a grander scale.

But what must the experience be like for an innocent wife who lives a public life? How can she tolerate the negative limelight now shinning on her family? Embarrassment often plays a role in people’s moral sense. It helps them “do the right thing,” but what if the scandal was not their fault? And what if their decision to save the marriage goes against the jury of public opinion?

The best answer to these questions, is to avoid. To emotionally survive the public humiliation, famous women must cloister themselves in the world of most intimate family members and wait for the media tide to change. Elin and Sandra are certainly doing that. And when they do eventually move forward they must defend against feelings of embarrassment by maintaining the fantasy that few people read those tabloid rags, anyway.

Case in point, a couple years back I was introduced to Christie Brinkley at a charity event. Our introduction came a few years after a media blitz concerning the infidelity of her husband with their young babysitter. When our mutual friend introduced us she attempted to find common ground for us by telling Christie that I had recently gone through a painful break up with the father of my children. Christie, immediately, clasped my hands and exclaimed, ‘Oh Honey so did I! And you wouldn’t believe what happened to me!” Then she proceeded to give me details of her husband’s bad behaviors as if I had never been in a supermarket in my life. Clearly her very efficient coping strategy was to maintain the illusion that few people knew. I commend her for that. It’s a high level survival mechanism. Compartmenting is the way our brain avoids being flooded with painful thoughts than can cause destructive behavior.And, by the way, I played along with her fantasy and acted astounded by her news.

Celebrity problems make our own pain feel, somehow, normal. Our very real human emotion of empathy helps us have a shared emotional experience when we witness a celebrity’s love life. Suddenly we are not alone in our own journey. And we are comforted by the knowledge that money and fame do not protect us from relationship problems. So, my advice, down the road if you are ever introduced to Sandra, Elin, or Elizabeth, pretend you know nothing.

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Posted in Celebrity Relationships, Emotions, Marriage | No Comments »

The New Trophy: A Married Man?

Friday, March 19th, 2010

Not so long ago, women who had sexual relationships with men who were legally bound to another woman were considered social outcasts. Our language clearly illustrated the sexual double standard that existed. While he was a gentleman who “stepped out” of his marriage, she was a whore, slut, or home-wrecker (as if he had never laid hands on the wreaking ball, himself.) My favorites are “Mistress” and “Kept Woman” because they, at least, imply some outlay of financial resources indicative of an emotional connection.

In cultures throughout history our complicated human social structures have always made room for extra-marital affairs. During the sexual repression of Victorian England where a high status woman faced scandal if even an ankle were exposed, the brothel business boomed. It is estimated that the ratio of prostitutes to males over the age of 18 in Victorian England was 12-1. And most of those young women died early from STD’s.

Sadly, the same tragedy is living itself out in the Indian/Asian sex slave business today. One of the shameful growing pains of feminism is that high status women are delaying marriage (often to the age of 30) to pursue a career, while keeping their hymens intact. The result is a lack of available sexual partners for men who are still required to marry a virgin. Today’s version of Victorian England? Millions of impoverished girls being sold into brothels by their own families.

But here in modern America, women have almost as much sexual freedom as men, and many seem to be happy to live it to the fullest. And, while the media pays lip service to the tired refrain of  “she’s a home-wreaker,” Rielle Hunter, Rachel Uchitel, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, etc., the truth is the freedom these women have to stage a tell-all about their affairs is the new boundary for men. Women who were kept secret and sequestered for fear of public shame can now, come out of the closet or Vegas hotel room and, finally blame the one who broke his commitment.

I know you’ll beat me up for saying this, but none of these women ever stood at an alter with the wife of her man and made a commitment to honor her. Of course, you can argue that any card-carrying member of the girls club should honor all women, and that being young, female, single, and orgasm hungry, shouldn’t give you a hall pass to bad behavior. I totally agree with that. But who really broke their commitment to marriage? The single woman who has never met the wife, or the guy who met her, married her, and made a giant promise to her? Gentlemen, I hand you the wrecking ball.

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Posted in Celebrity Relationships, Marriage, Sexuality | 1 Comment »

Tiger Woods – Listen Up Ladies and Gentlemen!

Friday, February 19th, 2010

I’m weeping as I type this. I am a chick after all. Having just watched Tiger Woods apology to his friends, family, employees, business partners, and foundation beneficiaries, I am simply moved. I am also confused. I am wondering why an athlete in Florida whom I have never met nor seen in public can cause me, a single mother in Los Angeles, to have such a blubbering event.

And the answer is simple. There are few women in America who do not long to hear such words of contrition and kindness from a man, and Tiger is as likely a surrogate for healing as anyone. At some point in their lives most women have been deeply injured by some man’s selfishness whether it was infidelity, or violence, or stingy child support. And here is a man finally doing the right thing. My own waterworks started with his tribute to his wife, Elin, using words like, grace and poise to describe her. There are a couple men in my past who would do well by me if they could form any similar words.

And I hope men listened closely too. This is the kind of role model so many men need. On who stops the buck at his desk and takes full responsibility for his actions. Through Tiger, men can hear first-hand how infidelity is not only a betrayal of trust but an action that reverberates through many relationships. Is one (or sixteen) moments of sexual pleasure really worth the destruction of so much? I truly hope that men who claim to have trouble controlling themselves can learn something from Tiger’s blown-up version of their story.

Because the tides of relationship rules are changing. It used to be that women provided all the sexual boundaries in our culture. Women had far to much to lose by entering into a sexual relationship with a man who might abandon them, impregnate them, contaminate them or disgrace them. Not today. Thanks to feminism, women own their own orgasm and a box of Trojans. They are off to the races. And, as families fall apart — 40% of American babies are born out of wedlock and the rest are vulnerable to a 50% divorce rate — some men are stepping up to create their own sexual boundaries, if only to keep safe their genetic line. I spoke with one such man yesterday, Mark Verge, a happily married guy whose book, “Access to the Boys Club” preaches techniques for fidelity for couples. Mark’s message includes tips for wives to help keep their man satisfied.

For women’s behavior is as much part of our culture-wide problem of unhealthy relationships. I’ve said it before, but let me reiterate: How can we blame our husbands for getting wet on their way home from work, when IT’S RAINING WHORES? The shameless Tiger mistresses who have sought their fifteen minutes by kissing and telling on national television need a serious reality check. Or they need to become mothers so they can sympathize with Elin. Both women and men need to get some control on their sexual energy when families are at stake.

Finally, I want to close by applauding the unsung heros in our culture. Men and women who have been making the sacrifices associated with long-term monogamy because it is the right thing to do — for your partner and for your children. We will all be beneficiaries of your dedication when your kids don’t end up on the public coffers or spreading HIV to us. Thanks for making a commitment to love and family.

As for Tiger, he summed it all up with Elin’s admonishment to him: “The real apology will not come in words. It will come in behavior.” We’re watching, Tiger. You’re off to a good start toward healing. And to some of my ex-lotharios: I’m waiting by the phone.

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Posted in Celebrity Relationships, Relationship Tools, Sexuality | 14 Comments »

Elin Woods: Brave Enough Tame the Tiger!

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

The latest reports on the Tiger Woods saga/drama are that wife, Elin has just returned from visiting with her share-the-wealth hubby in sex rehab. And now she has decided NOT to file for divorce. While America is screaming, “TAKE THE MONEY, ELIN!” I would like to take this opportunity to personally congratulate her. It is a brave woman who attempts to save her marriage and her family in this situation. Not only were his transgressions particularly damaging and hurtful, but she has enormous cultural pressure to leave. We now seem to live in a culture that prefers quick, profitable divorces over the bittersweet emotional work of salveging a marriage. Somehow, a virtuous few think the only sane route for her is to pack up and cash the check.

But before you think I am the champion of weak women who are too afraid to march out as single mothers, please allow me to remind of two small facts — the kids. I don’t have to remind you that children do better emotionally, academically, and financially within the circle of an intact, two-parent household. While we single mothers are doing our best and indeed there are plenty of involved divorced fathers, the statistics do not favor them. According to the Strengthening Families Act of 2003, “Nearly 24 million children in the United States, or 34 percent of all such children, live apart from their biological father. Forty percent of children who live in households without a father have not seen their father in at least one year, and 50 percent of such children have never visited their father’s home.”

Last night I saw a public service announcement by our president, Barack Obama, encouraging men to be better fathers, to devote the time necessary to help kids thrive. Is this where we have come? When a TV commercial is needed to get men to pay attention to their kids???

Finally, should you be concerned that a negative message might be sent to the children by welcoming back a philanderer — a platinum level lathario at that — please be assured that the children are quite young and their primary narcissism will protect them from knowing about or having to understand this mess. The biggest lesson the kids may get from all this? That people can change, that forgiveness is necessary in love relationships, and that Daddy loves them. Most of all, keeping Daddy at home is the biggest gift of their mother’s love. Elin, on behalf of your vulnerable angels, thank you for taking a big step toward repair. May the force be with you!

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Posted in Divorce, Marriage, Parenting | 3 Comments »

Who’s a Better Husband, John Edwards or Tiger Woods?

Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Of course we are splitting hairs here. Both men can jointly claim rights to the worst husband of the year award. Former presidential candidate, John Edwards had a love affair and fathered a baby out of wedlock while his wife was being treated for cancer. And, Tiger Woods, well, he dipped his stick in a pletheura of “liberated” women while wifey was pregnant and/or breastfeeding.

I appeared on two CNN shows yesterday to debate the hot topic and was surprised that in one not-very-scientific poll, viewers voted John Edwards the biggest skunk, because he was, after all, not only lying to his ailing wife, but he was lying to the voting public as well. Okay, so I get it. With Edwards, many Americans have a personal axe to grind. But now I ask you to stop thinking like a voter and instead think like a wife. Which dog would you prefer, if you had to be married to one?

To help you ponder this Sophie’s-choice, allow me to tell you about an enlightening psychology study. A group of married women were asked to choose which behavior they would prefer they husband engaged in: A) platonic, though emotionally intimate lunches with a co-worker or B) visits with a prostitute. If you’re a woman reading this, you might have guessed already that the prostitute won hands down over the work-wife. Anthropologists suggest that women fear a redirection of family resources before they worry about a little extra-cirricular nooky. And a business transaction with a prostitute represents  a quantifiable amount of resource extraction. Now an emotionally intimate friendship is another matter — he could open the flood gates of the family bank account with that one. His platonic friendship could certainly morph into a full-blown love affair but even if it didn’t, that woman’s close family member might become ill or she might get that Vegas virus  herself and boom, there’s her kind, deeply connected friend — your husband! — to write a check.

So, if you look at that study and place it as an overlay on the Edwards/Woods debate, Edwards still looks like the worst husband. An emotional and sexually intimate affair that produced a financially dependent child to boot. That’s a work wife who clearly opened the flood gates! At least Tiger didn’t put all his eggs in one basket. His liasons with loose women were a simple exchange of sex for a few party invites and souvenir text messages. It seems almost acceptable. Until you add one element that that psychologoical study did not factor in: The HIV virus.

The more sexual acts with promiscuos women (and who knows what else) the more likely one is to acquire AIDS. Just ask Magic Johnson. Now I want you to imagine a slightly different, though highly plausible, scenario in this debate. You have John Edwards on the one hand, grieving over the potential loss of his wife, falling into the arms of a caring woman who accidently becomes pregnant. And the only way to keep the very job that provides income for both his families is to lie, lie, lie. (Still not excusible, but this is a just a hypothetical debate.)

And then you have Elin, a loving wife who is given a special gift from her husband — the HIV virus — and unknowingly passes it through amniotic fluid or breastmilk to her child. Now we have a man who not only had affairs but murdered his family! Enough said.

John Edwards, will you marry me?

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Posted in Celebrity Relationships, Emotions, Love, Marriage, Sexuality | No Comments »

Tiger Woods: You Do Not Deserve Privacy! Here’s Why.

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

PIA-nO2gqYsJA growing number of women have been coming out of the woodwork with stories of mega-athlete Tiger Woods’ marital indiscretions and the media has been having a field day speculating about his infidelities and the true cause of his injuries sustained on Thanksgiving night. But is this fair? Do couples having problems always deserve privacy? Well, most do, but not when the couple contains a man like Tiger Woods. Here’s why:

Tiger Woods is not rich and famous because he is a good golfer. Tiger is famous because the public paid money to attend his tourneys and tuned in to watch him on television (along with many targeted commercials.) He is rich because consumers doled out hard earned income to purchase products that he endorses. Products with marketing campaigns that highlight his brand — integrity and character. He also owns a school for disadvantaged children that teaches character strength and has spent most of his charitable time acting as the ultimate role model to young men.

Well, Tiger, I want my money back!

Not only did you damage my publicly funded fire hydrant, you damaged our youth. Just as President Clinton changed the cultural definition of sexual behavior — a definition that’s changed forever the way middle schoolers sexually develop — you have changed any lingering perceptions among young boys that women and children are to be honored and respected. You have brazenly ignored your marital vows and have created a nest that clearly will be a confusion to your own little girl.

So, do you deserve privacy from media scrutiny? No way. You are a celebrity who has been created by the public and you have a responsibility to that public. Responsibility. Remember that word, Tiger?  It’s that old fashioned word that so few act out these days. You owe wives and mothers everywhere not some sorry explanation that you are “human.” What is that, anyway? A way to rebrand yourself toward a “human” market who fails continually and looks for new rationalizations?

Yes, you are human, Tiger. But you are also a MAN. So, man up! Get your ass to therapy and spend the time with your wife and kids that you normally spend in Vegas hotel rooms with hook ups. And, pray that President Obama doesn’t take power as lightly as you did. The country will fall into moral decay if he follows your lead.

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Posted in Celebrity Relationships | 2 Comments »

Tiger’s Apology: Our Fascination with Celebrity Relationships

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

Tiger-Woods-with-his-wife-001The headlines strike us first: J-Lo’s ex-hubby threatens to leak a honeymoon sex-tape. Tom and Katie spend Thanksgiving apart. Madonna losing her latest boy toy. And, now reports that Tiger Woods has had affairs. Today, he issued an apology to his wife and family, although he wasn’t clear what he was apologizing for, and pleaded again for privacy from the media. My guess is that this demand won’t be heeded.

The love lives of celebrities are the cash cow for most popular media. The biggest click-throughs on even hard news sites like The New York Times are often celebrity love. Why do celebrity relationships titillate us? Most of don’t have lives that involve an entourage who leaks, press who churn gossip, paparazzi who ambush, and much time spent in private airports hiding behind very large sunglasses. So comparing celebrity relationships with ours might seem fruitless, and even a bit grandiose. I mean, when was the last time we worried that our husband might be seduced by a starlet at a Hollywood Club?

Could it be that we are just as voyeuristic as the journalists who collect the dish for us? Are our lives so boring that beautiful, wealthy people are our main source of entertainment?

The answers to those questions are more complicated than a straight yes or no. There certainly is a great deal of entertainment value in watching Godly beauty struggle and morph into human tissue. But I maintain that our lives are not so dissimilar. Most adult Americans experience intense love, great heartbreak, regretful, angry outbursts, and moments of loneliness. We are the fortunate ones who don’t have to read about it on CNN.com with our morning coffee, nor see a bad photo of ourselves beside the article. (For the record, whenever I blog about celebrities, I tend to choose the most flattering photo I can find, even if the mainstream press has pinned them a villain. It just seems like the most humane thing to do.)

We may not have the drama of a media spotlight, but we can certainly sympathize with a celebrities’ relationship problems. People gossip in the real world too. Partners have affairs with co-workers not unlike any on-set romance. Divorce is just as ugly when the child support payment is less than a star’s monthly shoe expenditure. And we sometimes wear dark sunglasses when picking up our kids from school because we can’t find the strength to let our “in crowd” see our pain.

Celebrity news makes our pain feel, somehow, normal. Our very real human emotion of empathy helps us have a shared emotional experience when we witness a celebrity’s love life. Suddenly we are not alone in our own journey. And we are comforted by the knowledge that money and fame do not protect us from relationship problems. And it is that emotional experience that keeps us hooked on entertainment news. The habit isn’t dangerous, unless we find ourselves silently rooting for tears and humiliation, or if we hear a voice calling us sit outside the gates of their mansion. :)

But for the most part, we empathize and understand that their problems are much like ours. So, when J-Lo battles a scorned ex in court, we can think of our own divorce woes. When Jessica Tom and Katie face the challenges of balancing work, family and parenthood, we know those feelings. When Tiger and his wife face the stress of growing a family and staying in love, we get it. We are all human and there is some comfort knowing that we share joy and pain.


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Posted in Celebrity Relationships | 1 Comment »