Tag Archives: Sex

FOR SINGLES: Who Gets Laid on a First Date?

man-drinking-beer-picLet me start with a question, if 100 young men, aged 18-25, go out on a first date tonight, how many do you think will get laid? How many will have sex? How many do you actually think will get to hook up? Think about it. Im waiting, you thinking?

Usually when I give this talk to kids at colleges or my salon parties, where I talk about sex and relationships, Im surprised to hear people say numbers like 70 percent, 80 percent! What this shows is that your brain has been manipulated by the media myth of the hook up culture. The truth is this: one study showed that about 99 percent of college students believed that the typical college students hooks up (having sex without commitment) about twice a year. When in fact, this study showed that only 35 percent of students had only one hook up in the past year. So, how many men, aged 18-25, out of 100 are going to get laid on a first date? 20 percent. That means that 80 percent of the women out there are smart enough not to expose their eggs and their blood stream to a stranger, who they wouldnt even give the keys to their apartment to water their plants while they are out of town!

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Think about it. Sex on the first date is loaded with disaster. In fact, with sex within the first 30 days of meeting someone youve got about a 90 percent chance of breaking up within a year. But the real danger here is that the talk of the hook up culture, this mythology, is dangerous to women because it puts pressure on them to adopt a male model of sexuality. In other words, take any sex, all sex, at any costs. By the way, plenty of guys arent happy with that model either.

Did you know that 25 percent of college students are actually virgins? Yeah! And the third reason they site for abstaining is religion. Number one and two are I dont want a pregnancy or relationship to deter my plans for education and a career. Thats the truth! How many get laid on a first date? Well, young men, 2 out of 10. Those are the A gamers, players, who are out to extract sex from a woman and not necessarily build a healthy relationship.

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Why Men Stray More than Women (And How to Prevent Cheating)

cheater-quiz-mainIt is estimated that 65% of divorces occur ?because of an extra-marital affair. And, despite the sexual revolution and the reduction of the “double standard,” more men still cheat than women. Now science shows us why this gender imbalance might exist.

First, there could be a genetic link. Swedish researchers recently identified an “infidelity gene,” which is present in four of 10 men. This gene can explain why some men are more prone to stormy relationships and bond less to their wives or girlfriends. However, it’s important to remember that biology is not destiny. People born with genetic predispositions to say, heart disease or obesity, make lifestyle adjustments that compensate for the negative gene.

Continue reading Why Men Stray More than Women (And How to Prevent Cheating)

FOR COUPLES: Do Husbands Want More Sex?

Couple Fights in BedIt’s the age old battle of the sexes. In marriage, often husbands want more sex than wives. (But not always!) Men are anthropologically wired to spread their seed and women are wired to be selective of who they have sex with. Let’s face it, if our hunter/gatherer men had risked things that females risk — a higher STD rate, more likelihood of a broken heart, or an 18 year case of parenthood  — every time they had sex, they would have evolved to not want sex so much either. Clearly sex is a high risk hobby for women, hormonal changes, and dead-tired fatigue after having babies means that plenty of marriages suffer from a high-desire meets low-desire dead lock.

But new research from Science of Relationships shows that couples who survive the high-desire-verses-low-desire deadlock are those who have high “sexual communal strength.” Simply put, in these couples obligatory sex is reframed as an investment in the sexual community that both partners hold a stake in. Sex isn’t something that is given or taken, but something that is seen as an investment in the relationship.

And here are two other sexual facts and that can go a long way to beating this common problem:

• Wives Need Novelty More Than Men – Research shows that women in longterm sexual relationships get bored way before men. And when women become bored sexually, they aren’t as likely to cheat as they are to shut down. Tip for men: novelty for women means stimulating all her senses. She might be inspired by a different room, a different scented candle, a different position, different lingerie, different music and more important: a sex schedule complete with childcare, so she can plan ahead.

• Husbands Are Fine with Quantity Over Quality – Now I’m not saying that men don’t want a deeply connected, wild bedroom romp complete with massage oil, whispered fantasies, and olympian moves. But if the choice is no sex, plenty of husbands are happy with the frequent hand-job/blow-job combo, (with or without a side of fries.) Wives might pay heed to the notion of those couple with “sexual communal strength” and understand that a regular “pipe cleaning” can go a long way to keeping a relationship happy.

The bottom line is that men and women would both benefit from understanding their different sexualities. In terms of arousal, women are crock pots and men are microwave ovens. Begging for sex isn’t sexy. But helping a woman feel beautiful and relaxed is a turn on.

(P.S. Not all couples fall into the “husbands want more sex” dynamic. Sometimes it’s the husband with the low desire and that is sometimes linked to stress, a medical problem, or normal aging.)

For Couples: Dealing with Mismatched Libidos

iStock_000023453813LargeOne of the most consistent challenges of marriage and long-term monogamous relationships are mismatched libidos. Research psychologist, Robert Epstein, Ph.D., estimates that in many couples the issue is so extreme, that approximately 40 million Americans face the challenge of a sexless marriage.

For most people, sexual pleasure is a highly individualized experience. Because of that individualized experience, it’s not realistic that a couple is going to be in sync with each other 100% of the time. But beyond basic differences in the sexual needs of each partner, external pressures can negatively impact a couple’s ability to maintain a healthy sex life over a long period of time. Stress, anxiety, children, and even boredom can all impact a couple’s sex life.

The first step to addressing the problem of mismatched libidos is developing and showing empathy toward your partner’s side. Getting a sexual needs met by someone you are angry isn’t exactly a turn on. Understand that there is frustration on both sides of a mismatch, and talking respectfully about the experiences of each partner can take some pressure off. Acknowledging the problem in a non-judgmental manner is crucial to resolving it.

Next, create a space for non-sexual intimacy in the relationship. Sometimes it is difficult for one partner to engage physically because they fear that any physicality will have to lead to sex. In fact, most sex therapists prescript a strict “no sex!” rule for the first six weeks of sex therapy in order to get couples in a sex rut to explode others forms of touch and other erogenous zones. Don’t rush through things, and remember that intimacy doesn’t have to be sex! Feeling comfortable with physical intimacy is essential for a healthy sex life, and can jumpstart a transition back into a sexual relationship.

One company that understands this is Hello Cheri. A new brand of adult accessories for your love life, Hello Cheri believes that intimacy and physicality come in all styles. They want to help you to improve your romantic life, whatever form it might take.

Hello Cheri provides an entire line of scented massage oils and handmade massage stones. For those not ready to rush back into sex, these are a wonderful place to start, and a low-pressure way to be physical with a partner. Massaging builds intimacy and, importantly, sexual tension, and can help reduce stress surrounding physical engagement. Adding small touches like a scented candle can easily change the mood of a room, and help your partner relax and engage.

Communication and physicality are two large steps towards reconciling mismatched libidos, but sometimes couples do need professional advice. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists is a phenomenal resource for locating trained therapists with the knowledge to help you develop a sexy health life. Meanwhile, don’t be afraid to discuss intimacy with your partner and find ways to explore physicality that make you both comfortable!


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FOR WOMEN: Six Sexuality Facts That May Surprise MEN

Couple having sex - woman on topThe study of women’s sexuality is relatively new in the grand scale of research history, but now science is finding statistics about women’s sexuality that make most women say, “Duh.” Here are a few recent studies that might surprise some men:

1. Women tend to become aroused by erotica involving men, men and women, and just women, indicating a bisexual arousal pattern. This doesn’t mean women all behave in a bisexual manner. It simply means they can be turned on by both thoughts or images of both genders. This is different from most straight men who only become aroused by heterosexual erotica, and gay men who mostly become aroused by homosexual material.

2. Women’s brains can separate mental arousal from genital arousal. For instance, even if she is not mentally stimulated, a woman’s body can have a physiological reaction to sex. (Thus the confusion of some rape victims who experience a spontaneous orgasm during the trauma.) And women can sometimes be mentally aroused and have trouble becoming wet and wild down below.

3. Body image is connected to sexuality for women. Women who feel more positively about their own genitals find it easier to orgasm and are more likely to engage in sexual health promoting behaviors, such as having regular gynecological exams or performing self-examinations.

4. For women, physicality grows out of emotionality. Emotional availability activates their physical sexuality. Women are more apt to show up physically and sexually when their partner is emotionally present, while men tend more to just show up.

5. Women fear emotional infidelity more than physical infidelity and men fear the opposite. In one study women preferred that their husband see a prostitute once per week rather than have platonic, though intimate, lunches with a co-worker. This points to the fact that women fear a diversion of resources that might come with an emotional connection.

6. Women have less ability to have a stand alone physical relationship because their body releases oxytocin during orgasm. Oxytocin, the female bonding hormone, is also released during breastfeeding. For that reason women sometimes become bonded through sex even when they don’t mean to.

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Five Sex Myths That Keep Women Single