The Truth About Bad Boys

May 21st, 2011

1. WHAT IS A BAD BOY?

A bad boy is a man who has an “A” game when attracting a mate, either for short-term or long-term pleasure. But he also has big problems with commitment and may even be afraid of emotional intimacy, thus he like to “water down the milk” with many partners. History and literature have romanticized bad boys like Don Juan and Casanova, so the allure persists.

 

2. WHY ARE WOMEN ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS?

Psychologically, it’s a random interval reward system. Just like a slot machine, bad boys keep one addicted by the random rewards (money/sex/courting) that promise a big pay off someday.

Anthropologically, women tend to be attracted to the big hunters who provided a lot of protein to the village. Today’s big hunters tend to be athletes, actors, and wall street power brokers, all of whom have a higher incidence of bad boy behavior.

 

3. WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT BAD BOYS?

While some argue that bad boys historically helped expand the gene pool by spreading their seed a bit wider than their village, today Bad Boys are dangerous because they spread diseases, unwanted pregnancies, and broken hearts. Women tend to place a lot more value on the emotional components than men do and easily fall in “love” with bad boys.

 

 

4. HOW MANY MEN CHEAT?

The statistics on how husbands cheat are wide and varied — mainly because people lie about sex on self-report studies — butThe Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy reports thatabout 60% of men cheat on their spouses.

 

5. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE MONOGAMOUS?

No. We are a primate society with what anthropologists like to call “perceived monogamy,” meaning that while our cultures celebrate monogamy, we are sometimes polygamous. And despite the sexual revolution and the reduction of the “double standard,” more men still cheat than women.

 

6. HOW CAN A WOMAN STOP A BAD BOY BEFORE HE PLAYS HER?

Ask herself these five questions:

• Does He Have A Bunch Of Angry Exes?

There could be a genetic reason for cheating. Swedish researchers recently identified an “infidelity gene,” which is present in four of 10 men. This gene can explain why some men are more prone to stormy relationships and bond less to their wives or girlfriends. If you have a history of conflict-ridden relationships, that’s a red flag.

• How Much Guilt Does He Feel?

Does that guilt motivate his behavior? Is he comfortable bending the rules at work, even if it might hurt a coworker? ASpanish study recently revealed that the interpersonal sensitivity (empathy) of men is low compared to that of women. This could affect your ability to empathize with his partner’s feelings of betrayal, making you more likely to have affairs.

• How Old Is He?

The same study that found men feel less guilt than women also showed that this difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group, one particularly vulnerable to the mid-life crisis affair.

• Does He Fear Emotional Intimacy?

Men fear emotional intimacy more than do women. Believe it or not, some men find lovers so that they can avoid any real intimacy. Emotional closeness and the expression of vulnerability that goes with it scares many men, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them. At the same time, they don’t get too emotionally involved with their lovers. This kind of “watering down of the milk” feels safer to them.

• Does He Believe That A Relationship Should Be Perfect?

Men who have a distorted belief that relationships should be perfect and that arguments and disappointments are unacceptable are likely to have an affair out of anger and retaliation.

• How Did He Score On His Sats?

One study linked monogamy to intelligence. The smarter the man, the more likely he is to be faithful.The researchers speculated that monogamy is an intellectual decision that rises above animal instincts and better provides for survival of offspring.

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Is Sex a “Need” or a “Want?”

May 12th, 2011

In her provocative new book “Manning Up: How The Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys,” author Kay Hymowitz makes a startling case that there really are few good men out there as most live as if life were a Judd Apatow movie. While women clean up.

“(Women) graduate from college in greater numbers (among Americans ages 25 to 34, 34% of women now have a bachelor’s degree but just 27% of men), and they have higher GPAs…. In a number of cities, they are even out-earning their brothers and boyfriends.”

When a review of the book was posted on Facebook, a mostly-female comment stream dribbled down with sad testimony that “pre-adult” male is real, nearing 30 and playing video games with beer in hand, and air escaping from their body. I boldly added my two cents. That as long as women reward men for their bad behavior by letting them obtain sex before earning status as a protector, provider, then men have no reason to become gentlemen. I used more colorful words on Facebook.

I got the reaction I often get from “liberated” women when I venture down this road that points to (gasp!) differing sexualities.

“So women are supposed to put their sexual needs aside to train men?” barbed a women who must not mind her hook-ups with burping, farting, no-monied men. “And it’s up to women to educate men?”

I answered with my usual spiel, that women tend to hold the keys to the emotional locker in relationships and that feminism in it’s rush to create equality, encouraged women to adopt a male model of sexuality that is downright dangerous for women. Sex is far more risky for women who are more vulnerable to STD’s (as we accept deposits) and pregnancy, not to mention a broken heart (the release of oxytocin during sex often causes women to bond through sex.)

But the word that really got me thinking was that word “needs.” Do human beings have sexual “needs” or sexual “wishes?” Can both genders control their sexuality? Of course we can! Sex is no more a need than a trip to Saks Fifth Avenue. For our human survival we need, food, water and shelter. Period. Once that is achieved sex is needed for procreation. And it’s a handy way to create a strong bond with a dude who might father the offspring of our sexual encounter. But sex for pleasure? Nah, that’s not a need. It’s a wish. Ask any priest, nun, military spouse stationed abroad, prisoner, or elderly widow. Is sex necessary for their survival? Nope. But it’s a nice perk that comes with freedom, prosperity and good health.

I think the most important question women need to ask themselves is this: Does more sex make a woman feel liberated or trapped? I vote for trapped. By adopting a male model of sexuality we have imprisoned ourselves in a hook-up culture that trained a generation of men to avoid marriage and parental responsibilities. And for all those type-A achieving women who say, “Who needs a man? I can have a baby by myself,” I say this: Don’t let the media portrayal of wealthy celebrities and their uber nannies mislead you. Single motherhood is not for sissies.

Lest you think you can outsource motherhood while you carry on with your career, please allow me to enlighten you. Parenthood is never convenient and a child’s biggest teaching moments can’t be scheduled around your business trips. That said, if you’ve carefully sidestepped around the glass ceiling, wait until you slam into the maternal wall – the subtle but sure discrimination against mothers in the workplace. Trust me. There will be a day when you are home rocking a three-year-old with a 103 degree fever and that “per-adult” male colleague, fresh from last night’s hook-up will take that plumb assignment and supplant himself as the darling of your boss.

In her book, “Manning Up,” Hymowitz talks about life in the pre hook-up days:

“For women, the central task usually involved the day-to-day rearing of the next generation; for men, it involved protecting and providing for their wives and children. If you followed the script, you became an adult, a temporary custodian of the social order until your own old age and demise.”
So who are the custodians of the social order today? My vote goes to women. Because our “men” are apparently too busy watching Star Wars, playing video games, and behaving like boys. Clearly they need a mother to give them some boundaries.

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People, Perception, and Pessimists

April 29th, 2011

News flash! Everyone of us has a unique mind. That means we each perceive the world in different ways. That’s great news if you’re a fan of diversity of thought, but if people who think outside of your box, make you a little edgy, well, this can be a hard lesson to learn. It is particularly hard when you’re married to someone who lives in a different universe. Blame the sexual hormones that got you together.

Here are some examples. Some people are concrete, literal thinkers. When I say, guess who I ran into today, they say, “You had a car accident?” When concrete thinkers read great metaphoric literature, they don’t know what all the fuss is about, because they can’t see beneath the surface level of the plot. Some have “Asperger’s syndrome” (and Aspie has also become code word for genius because these people sometimes have an superhero ability to obsess about a problem for a long time and solve it.) Other people think in symbols, double-entendre’s and art. If you don’t have a hippy friend who is into astrology, crystals, and past life regressions, let me tell ya, you are missing out! Does their use of symbols make them less intelligent than concrete thinkers? No way. But it makes them really fun at parties.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of personality diversity. We’ve all heard of pessimists and optimists. Some people just look for that glass-half full, and others are looking for the robber who stole half their drink. Positive thinking can also improve health and well-being. I often wonder if pessimists and optimists are born or taught. I think it’s a bit of both.

The there are people whose behavior is guided by either internal or external cues. You know the ones who read fashion magazines like they are a bible, drive the acceptable car and speak in acceptable language. Externally guided people. I, on the other hand, couldn’t get through the day if I worried too much about what other people think I should be doing. There are too many generals inside myself telling me what’s right and what’s wrong with me. I’m internally guided.

Then there are empathetic people and disconnected souls who can’t seem to have any intuition for what another person might be feeling. I think those people post mean things online a lot.

Or how about liberals verses conservatives? A new study shows that these two types actually have different brain structures. Conservatives show a larger area of the brain that senses fear and liberals show a larger area that can deal with uncertainty and conflicts. I’m not making this up.

But the biggest lesson here is that we all have to find a way to get along because we share the same world and sometimes the same bathroom. I hate the word “tolerance” because I think we should do more than tolerate each other. I think we should learn from each other. Maybe even embrace each other. But if we’re going to do that, we should all take more baths.

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Class, Gender & the F-Bomb

April 24th, 2011

I will begin with a disclaimer. If you are seriously offended by the F-word, please stop reading now. It’ll be written out in full soon. Yep, all four letters. If, however, you merely blush at the site and meaning of America’s favorite taboo word, then you might stay on for the ride, at least to find out what that blush is all about.

The idea for this blog came at my regular Sunday dinner party with a varied crew of adults and families. The conversation concerned TV shows from our childhood and I defended my poor recollection of “Leave it to Beaver” and “Father Knows Best” by explaining that back when I was growing up we only had TFC.  There was a pause. Yep, I said, “We only had two fuckin channels.”

One father at the table took offense at my joke. Because the tender ears of his children were nearby. I had forgotten that they’d probably never heard the word before because they were still just 13 and 14. But the incident made me think about why this word is so taboo.

Cuss words in general tend to be connected with social class and gender. The use of such can signify a lower social class or perhaps a rough woman. And by rough I mean, sexually loose (gasp!) or somewhat masculine (bigger gasp!) And because the original meaning of the word is sexual in nature, well, its taboo status can also signify just how sexually repressed our culture is, or once was?

But women sometimes have more freedom with language than men. A thoughtful viewer recently sent me an enlightening email after I used the phrase “before a woman spreads her legs she should consider the consequences.” I used it on CNN Newsroom with Don Lemon and as the viewer pointed out, had a male uttered those words on TV, his blackberry would be filled with hate mail. As it was, mine was filled with love letters. His point is that women have more freedom with sexual language than men. And in some part, I agree. A well placed shit or fuck can make all the men in a room sit up and pay attention to what a woman has to say.

But that’s the key. A well-placed salty word. And that’s a skill. Knowing your audience and knowing how to make the delivery seem coy rather than course. Here’s my technique. I let it slip and then cover my mouth in feigned shame while I test the waters of my audience. Clearly I failed at my last Sunday dinner. But at a recent lunch meeting with an Emmy-winning TV producer, I got my desired reaction. “I love it when hot women swear!” he exclaimed. Of course the “hot” part bothered me. You mean when I am not tricking men with tools of the billion-dollar cosmetic industry, I have less freedom with my language? Humm.

Finally, let me close by saying that I hope this blog does not encourage you, males or females, to use the F-word more often. The thing that gives a word power is the fact that it’s taboo. Too many F-Bombs floating around and you will de-weapon my favorite gun. Then I’d have to use my other favorite word – Pussy. Isn’t that the sweetest, softest swear word around?

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Street Smarts, Book Smarts and School Snobs

April 15th, 2011

Humans are pretty fascinating. On two counts. For one, we love each other but we also love to one-up each other. And secondly I’m always amazed at the wide range of  “intelligence” out there and particularly amused when people try to play “one-up” with something so hard to qualify. They brag about school names, they brag about degrees, they brag about grades. It seems we are comforted when we feel smarter than someone else.

But here’s the thing. There’s no way to really fully calculate someone’s true intellectual power, no matter what school they went to.  Even IQ tests are limited. They mostly test left brain intelligence, logic, math, memory, processing speed, and they leave out artistic intelligence, and emotional intelligence and athletic intelligence. Don’t tell me it’s not intelligence that helps an athlete prompt his muscles with precision while scanning and managing a court full of opponents. And don’t even try to say that a work of art that moves me to unexpected tears isn’t pure genius.

Traditional IQ tests tend to be gender and culturally bias. Yes, I know the “information” section of the WAIS test now includes a question about Martin Luther King, but does it identify the supreme gut instinct that gets passed through DNA and family systems through four hundred years of oppression. Nope. We call that street smarts. But it’s not always picked up on the street. And as for gender, well nothing can calculate that innate emotional intelligence that is common in women. But we do know that women make groups smarter. It’s true.

My point is this. Plenty of kids come out of prestigious prep schools that practice grade inflating (I’m not naming names) because they are running a business after all. And if they fail too many trust funders, word will get around the cocktail party circuit. Plenty of other kids come out of disadvantaged public schools and do just fine at Harvard and Yale, because of their family support or because they just loved reading. Still others will go to no college at all and become wildly successful. Others will spend a hundred thousand dollars on an Ivy League education and well, well, spend their earning years partying in Hollywood night clubs.

But this BLOG is as much about the nature of intelligence as this behavior we have to one-up our peers. And no one immune. I have even noticed it in myself. Once when someone showed up at my house with a new luxury SUV with all the bells and whistles, I found myself showing off my new electric composter. I couldn’t compete with green backs so I moved the competition to another green arena. It’s human nature.

And it’s a way that we self console. So now let me tell you how to use human ranking in a functional way, instead of a friend repellant. When you are feeling on a high, pumped up with confidence, shut your mouth, except with your most trusted intimates. When you are feeling low here’s a better idea. Don’t look up the ladder. Look down with compassion. I promise you that someone is having a worse life than you. And ask yourself how you can help them. Hey, maybe you could pay for them to go to a great school!

Click here for video blog!

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How Many Shifts are Your Boobs Working?

April 7th, 2011

Big news this week. Yet another study supporting the benefits of breastfeeding: The study shows that brain growth in babies is determined by the duration of pregnancy and how long babies suckle. It concludes that the longer the pregnancy and breastfeeding period in mammals, the bigger the baby’s brain grows. To that I say, Duh! No laboratory has been able to replicate the fatty acid DHA in human breast milk. That stuff is like a steroid for brain development.

But the reason women don’t nurse in droves in our culture has nothing to do with sound research. All parents know that breast is best. Nor does it have a whole lot to do with personal choice. Because there’s no such thing as pure personal choice! If I were a prisoner, I could certainly make a personal choice to break out of jail, but if I have no key or an ability to get past my burly prison guard, I’m stuck with the choices in a 6 by 8 cell.

So who is the prison guard assigned to our babaloos? Let’s start with the slave owners who have put them in chains, well at least wires and pads. Breasts are used to sell EVERYTHING. From the obvious retailer, Victoria’s Secret to the food, vacations, and my favorite… gun parts. And breasts are enslaved to sell people just about anything because they work.

And breasts as commerce work because boobs are attrcative!

By the way, many anthropologists believe that large breasts evolved to signal that a woman is sexually mature. When we walked on fours, the buttocks of the females were often large or decorated, and were used in displays of sexual readiness. When we became bipedal, butts got somewhat tucked under, so one theory is that breasts swelled to become what I call a frontal buttock. They demonstrate that a girl is sexually mature and ready to rock.

None of this is a problem for me. Sexual attractiveness helps the species propagate. But if we limit boobs to a day job – or is sex a night job? – who’s feeding the babies??? I can hear your answer already. Boobs are owned by multitasking women and they can damn well do both jobs.

But the problem is this. Capitalism not only has our breasts enslaved, it has or hands and brains doing duty in the workforce. And right now women make up more than 50% of the workforce so there are more women working than men. And most of those women are in their childbearing years. Oh, do you know how much time breast feeding eats up (pun intended)? Think of it this way: twenty minutes per breast, times, sometimes twelve feedings a day for a newborn. That adds up to eight hours a day. Dudes, that’s a JOB.

So, if we go to work for eight hours, we breast feed for eight hours, and get our required eight hours of beauty sleep, well, then, there’s no time left for sex.

I’ve got it. We’ve got to teach all those unemployed men how to breast feed! What? Did you say that men have different biology? Humm…

Well, how about this? We change the workplace and make it more family friendly. Think of the possibilities. We’d have smarter babies, who’d grow up to be smarter voters. And we’d have healthier babies. Oooh, that would save us on healthcare costs. And best of all, we’d have well rested boobs…..  ready for sex.

CLICK HERE TO SEE MY VLOG ON THIS SUBJECT

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Why We Die With Clubs

April 1st, 2011

I was sure clubbed this week. By two strange bedfellows. Atheists and Christians. The catalyst was a comedic piece in The Huffington Post, where a writer took a YouTube snippet out of context and created a cute, funny, mockery of something I said last week on CNN.

The original CNN story was about a mathematical study that predicted that religion is set to become extinct in nine countries studied. When CNN anchor Don Lemon asked me to explain these results I pointed out that as populations become more educated they tend to question some of the magical thinking in ancient scriptures and find that science has more answers. But, not one to ignore possibilities, I did remind viewers that science doesn’t have all the answers and that studies show that in some survivor situations “atheists die first because if they don’t believe in anything supernatural, they can’t imagine that they have supernatural abilities.”

This was live TV shorthand and the survivor studies I alluded to are “medical” survivor studies.  I forgot the word “medical.” For this, I deeply apologize. It was also metaphoric language. I don’t believe in magic, nor do I think that God is this giant cop in the sky or ground control for our lives. But I do believe in having an open mind.

Survival and faith are not distant cousins. Religiosity helps people cope with illness, and may even impede the progression of disease. People recovering from open heart surgery are three times more likely to survive if they have religious faith. Black women with breast cancer have lower survival rates than white women — unless they are religious. Then they are much more likely to outlive their white sisters. In India, doctors scratch their heads as babies born to strict Muslim families in poverty have higher survival rates than upper caste Hindus with less religion. Prayer can help manage anger and lower blood pressure. And meditation (a new age version of prayer) can increase memory, self-esteem and empathy, and even slow the progression of HIV.

But the Huffington Post article came with a gift. Thousands of comments posted online or emailed to me from angry Atheists. Those who perceived me as a Christian called me “ignorant” a “church robot” and my favorite rude email that wove Christian and Sexist stereotypes together: “Your tits aren’t big enough for the ignorant things you say on TV.” I thought that dude deserved a response for his winning shot. “Dude!” I wrote, “I’m a D-cup! What more do you want?”

Reading those angry emails made my heart melt for hard working, patriotic Christian families who are trying to give their children a moral compass. They are so clearly misunderstood by “educated liberals.”

My favorite joke from the Huff Post writer suggested that since I am the author of THE BOYFRIEND TEST and THE GIRLFRIEND TEST then this should qualify me to write THE GOD TEST. Being a seriously good sport and being blessed by nature (or God) with a healthy sense of humor, my first retort was to create a humorous blog where I adapted THE BOYFRIEND TEST and wondered if Jesus, Buddha, or Mohammad might make a good boyfriend.

Then the Christians attacked.

Apparently joking about Jesus is taboo in some circles. That was the morning that my very practical twelve-year-old begged me, “Mom, please don’t piss off the Jews. I have a lot of Barmitzvahs to go to this year.”

Anyway, I was suddenly catapulted into the Atheist empathy camp. And I did some research. Atheists have organizations, ya know. And their websites are positively bubbling with love for humanity. They may not believe in prayer or God but they certainly love the planet and their fellow man and would prefer action to meditation — like they’d rather build a hospital than a church. My heart warmed to them. Sounds very Judeo-Christian without having to do time on your knees.

But what about that anger?

Let me posit this. In my opinion, there is only one human fear. It is the fear of dying. Everything that sends an uncomfortable surge of fear-bile churning in our stomachs can be boiled down to the ultimate fear of dying. Japan earth quake (We’re next!) My boyfriend dumped me (I’m going to die alone!) I lost my job (We’ll all starve to death!) They shamed me on Facebook (I’ll be isolated and eventually die!)

And one of the many roles of all world religions is to assuage our fear of dying. To provide a nice tidy answer, whether it’s an afterlife or reincarnation. That’s why people who follow religions defend their answers so vehemently and sometimes violently. They don’t want that fear of dying to creep back into their bones.

So how do atheists manage that very natural human fear? Many thoughtful people who self-identify as atheists manage quite well. They may use their analytical ability to create strength of character and trust that they are an important cog in the wheel of nature.

But not the ones who hit their keyboards and spewed in my direction. My words on CNN, however inaccurate or taken out of context, rattled the cage of a few thinkers. They hit a nerve. And the words in THE GOD TEST did the same for some Christians.

What I learned is this. Religious people selectively ignore science. Atheists selectively ignore possibilities. And spiritual people selectively ignore practicalities of life. Oh, and any club membership seems to come with discrimination against non-club folks.

Don’t worry people. This Saturday on CNN, Don Lemon and I will be talking about something we all have in common, sex.

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THE GOD TEST! IT’S HERE!!!

March 30th, 2011

The Huffington Post thinks that since I wrote THE BOYFRIEND TEST and THE GIRLFRIEND TEST, then I am qualified to write THE GOD TEST. Who am I to argue with the most read blog on the world wide web? I also noticed that many of the comment posters on the Huff Post’s article and on the attached YouTube video think that I am currently dating Jesus. So it makes sense that I submit him (and the other God’s lurking around) to my boyfriend test. Only to satisfy the Huffington Post, here is an excerpt from THE BOYFRIEND TEST adapted, as instructed, for God.

THE GOD TEST

(The following is meant as pure humor and not meant to slander any particular believer. If God didn’t give you a sense of humor, do not read this.)

1. Does this God disrespect relationship boundaries? If you already have a God and this God is hitting on you, disqualify him fast!

Come to think of it, Buddha has been flirting with me lately. If Jesus really is my boyfriend, should I disqualify Buddha?  Buddha’s a bit old though.

2. Does he take too long to call after meeting you? The industry standard is 2-7 days.

I don’t remember the first time I met Jesus. My parents were playing matchmaker before I was even out of the cradle. I’m not excited about arranged marriages, although their divorce rate is 4% compared to 50% for romantic marriages. No matter. My cell phone never blasts with the word “Jesus” on the screen. And please don’t use my faulty iphone as an excuse. I have Verizon.

3. Does he seem vague? Are there gaps in his history? Is he dancing around some of your personal questions?

Yah Jesus, how about those missing thirteen years? Were you shacking up with some Hindu in India, or maybe doing time with a hottie in London after the Roman invasion? Inquiring girlfriends want to know.

4. Does he have a plan? If he calls for a date and has no idea what he’s inviting you to, he’s a bad God bet.

So what is the plan, Jesus? Huh? Huh? How about you Moses? Buddha? Muhammad? Allah? Anyone got a plan here? Or am I arranging all our dates? Must be true, that the rise of women in the west has made male Gods downright lazy. I’ve heard it’s because all those hook-ups flood the supply side of the sexual economy. So the price goes down.

5. Does he allow you to pick up or split the check?

As far as I know, I have been picking up the tab for everything since we met. Even when I’m at your place, you’ve got your hand out. C’mon dude. A collection plate on a first date? Not cool.

6. Has he displayed any anger? Displays of uncontrolled agitation in the early stages of a relationship could signal an anger management problem.

Oh man. Haiti. Japan. Snooki. Why are you so angry, God?

7. Sex! Is it kind, loving, and complete with foreplay and afterplay? Expect a good God candidate to get the warm towel to clean up, snuggle you for as long as you want, and sleep on the wet spot.

(Pause) Umh… well… Okay, so you’re doing one thing right. You seemed to have removed cultural barriers against girl-on-girl. So there’s hope we’ll be treated better in bed. Thanks, I guess.

8. What kind of relationship does he have with his mother? This will eventually mirror the relationship he has with you.

Well, he had a single mother to start off. That’s good. I bet she taught him to respect women. Then he was part of a blended family. So I’m sure he can really understand today’s modern family.

(For those who wonder which God I’m actually dating, uh, praising, I’m sorry to say that most of the God fan clubs would bar me from membership. Sigh. Apparently the Atheists have too. Such a lonely world. Maybe Fox will take me in.)

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Japan: Can Fear be Inherited?

March 21st, 2011

In the months ahead, after the physical wounds in Japan are attended to, the food supply restored, and life returned to “normal,” tremors will be felt throughout the culture as widespread psychological injuries remain.

First there will be the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder than can last for months or even years. Those fortunate enough to have survived the massive earthquake may experience thoughts, dreams, and hallucinations that intrusively recall the horror of the events. Others will exhibit a kind of numbness, an inability to enjoy life and connect with others, a pattern designed to avoid thoughts that might trigger memories of the event. Now imagine those symptoms as dominant operational behaviors for an entire culture. PTSD may very well become a dysfunctional way-of-life when daily life picks up again — a shadow that will lurk behind every school teacher’s lesson, every shoppers decision, every family dinner table.

But as dismal as that may sound — and children may be greatly affected the worse by PTSD — far more heart wrenching will be the survivor’s syndrome. First identified as “survivor’s guilt” among Holocaust survivors, today the syndrome is known to affect anyone who has survived a massive catastrophic event, and is even common among emergency room personnel. It can involve anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, and emotional numbness, a loss of drive.

The insidious thing about survivor’s syndrome is it’s subtle ability to impact a family for generations. Through silent messages, glances, back turns, and distorted warnings about danger, parents and grandparents with survivors’ syndrome can unknowingly instill the idea that pleasure cannot come without pain, that pain should be expected in life, or that pleasure is not worth risking at all.

Psychological injuries will be a grim reality of future daily life in Japan. And at this time, mental health workers are as vital to survival as the triage units on the ground today. Yes, fear can be inherited and a disaster like this has the ability to change an entire culture forever.

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Why’d I do that? Ask Your Unconscious.

March 6th, 2011

How many times have you asked yourself, “Why did I do that?” I should have learned that doesn’t work.

The answer may be what psychologists call an “unconscious motivation.” I have a favorite metaphor to explain how unconscious processes drive our behavior. Imagine that you have grown up, away from your troubled childhood, and have created your dream adult life. You are in the back of a limo. You have cash. And you look great. The only problem is your limo driver. You can’t see his/her face and no matter how often you order them to take you to the finest restaurant and most beautiful mansion, that darn driver keeps turning that car around and going back to some dirty bird restaurant you ate at as a kid. And rather than taking you to a mansion, your driver keeps pulling up to the house you grew up in. Urrgh!!!

Yes, we often choose relationships and behaviors that bring up our most unresolved childhood issues. And we tend to keep repeating those patterns until we’ve worked things out. The classic example is the single woman with an absentee father who is continually being attracted to abandoning bad boys.

Whether you are a layperson like most screen writers, and use the term “sub”-conscious, or have training in Psychology and like to look smart by saying, “un”-conscious, the meaning is the same. We all have early life feelings that are out of our awareness, yet drive most of our conscious life.

So, are we a slave to our unconscious, or can we break the shackles of early life programming and think, feel, and behave as an adult? The answer is yes, but not without help. If we’re super lucky, we have a love relationship that both contains us and challenges us to grow. The rest of us pay for therapists to do that.

Sigmund Freud may have been a victim of his Victorian era, but he was a genius when it came to understanding the unconscious. He believed that by helping the unconscious become conscious, people can be relieved from psychic pain and bad behaviors. He also believed that dreams are the “royal road to the unconscious” in that they contain “pre-conscious” material. Not that dreams are literal. But that dreams are feelings with pictures. My advice: If you are choosing a therapist, ask them if they do dream therapy. There is plenty of material in the nocturnal theater of our minds.

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