Archive for the ‘Domestic Violence’ Category

The Twilight Syndrome? Why Women Read Violent Books.

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

twilight1In the middle of a divorce battle, Sheila Bellush, a mother of quadruplets, confided to her sister that if anything were to ever happen to her, she should look up true crime author Ann Rule to tell her story. Sure enough, soon after, Sheila was shot and killed by a man hired by her husband. Rule’s book about the crime, Every Breath You Take, has sold over a million copies and 86% of its reviews on Amazon.com are written by women readers.

This anecdote is used in a new study that reveals why books that evoke fear are popular with women. People might assume that men, being the more aggressive sex, would be most likely to find such gory topics interesting. But the reverse is true. The researchers found that what makes books about graphic crime appealing to women is a survival instinct — a desire to to learn about crime in order to prevent becoming a victim. The study, “Captured by True Crime: Why Women are Drawn to Tales of Rape, Murder, and Serial Killers” is published in Social, Psychological and Personality Science, and makes a connection with women’s fascination with crime and their internal fear. Despite the fact that women are statistically less likely than men to become a victim of a violent crime (with the exception of rape) they perceive themselves to be in more danger. Some researchers blame the media, that tends to award more coverage to violent crimes against women than those with male victims.

The problem with the practice of reading about crime, according to the researchers, is that it can become a vicious cycle. Women feel fear and read about crime in order to be better informed about ways to prevent or survive a crime, but they also become unknowingly exposed to more dangers! They meet more murderers, more unusual ways to bite the bullet, and their fear-actor goes up. Thus, the books become a fear-based cycle for women who are buying them to decrease their fears.

All this got me thinking about the obsession my daughter and her friends have with the Twilight series of books and movies. With Vampires around every corner, there is no shortage of danger and blood flow in those pages. And clearly there is much confusion for heroin Bella as to which man-boy-vampire can be trusted. I wonder if the principles that the researchers discovered about true crime novels also apply to this kind of romantic thriller.

In today’s times, love has become a dangerous game for teen girls. While most of the sexual mores — like the double standard — have been removed, women are still more at risk for pregnancy, an STD, or a broken heart. (Women’s oxytocin release during orgasm helps create a bond.) Could the Twilight vampires, a metaphor for dangerous love, be one way that young girls are trying to make sense of all this?

And if the researchers speculations are true, might this also become a vicious cycle? More stories about dangerous love means more exposure to ways that women can be hurt by men. Besides the Twilight series, there are enough literary clones to warrant a large display table at my local Barnes & Noble called “Dark Love.” Is this what are daughters fear today? Dark love?

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Posted in Crime Psychology, Domestic Violence, Emotions, Gender | No Comments »

Do You Know How to Fight Fair?

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

couple-arguingWhen couples tell me they have emotional intimacy I often ask them about their fighting style. If they tell me they don’t ever fight I am quite assured that they don’t have true intimacy. When two separate people join together for common life goals, clashes are inevitable. But conflict alone is not an indicator of a relationship’s health. The better barometer is the nature of repair. How do couples make up after a fight? With apologies, contrition, consoling and even laughter? Or is the aftermath of anger marked by silence, distance and a new rule to never speak about the subject of the fight?

Learning how to have healthy conflict is crucial to having emotional intimacy. But what exactly is healthy conflict?

Well, for starters, fighting fair means using words that identify your feelings rather than blame and point fingers. Easier said than done. Even though psychotherapists stress that we should focus on our feelings rather than level accusations, even the most educated of us resort to blaming sentences that begin with the word “YOU!” That alone doesn’t indicate a “bad fight” unless it is also followed by vicious name calling. Name calling is a bad sign. It indicates that one partner has temporarily forgotten the other’s identity and has substituted it by a skewed stereotype. It’s hard to drop those evil caricatures once our minds have created them. If you see him as a loser and tell him over and over, you are also rewiring your brain to believe this is true. One other thing to consider is the amount of voice time alloted each arguer. If the yelling is terribly lop-sided and one partner gets more air time, then something else is going on. Either intimidation by the loud mouth, or an emotional retreat by the other. Both things are not fighting fair.

As injurious as a fight can be, the biggest determinant of whether it is a “good fight” is the way repair is made afterward. There are many unique ways that couples come back into relationship after a fight. Notes left by the morning coffee pot, flowers at the office, and my favorite — off-the-charts make-up sex. But the important thing to remember is that love and respect can return.

Dangerous aftermaths include icy treatment for days on end. Little jabs thrown into unrelated conversations. Passive aggressive, retaliatory behavior. And worst of all, a fight that morphs into other fights that get flooded with material from old injuries. “Remember the time you…..”

The best way to learn to have “good fights” is to establish ground rules before any fighting begins. Men love rules of the game. It reminds them of sports and makes fighting a healthy challenge rather than a confusing battle with a scary, invisible opponent. Some ground rules might include, no name calling, no stonewalling, no fighting in front of the kids, no going to bed mad, and most importantly, scheduled make-up time the next day. It is also important to understand that each person has their own fighting style that must be respected. A man who walks out the door for brisk walk during an argument may not be rejecting you, he may be protecting you from a shift from words to action. Some people need a time-out to regroup and think during a fight. The time to talk about fighting styles, of course, is when you are not fighting.

Studies on couples conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner’s schools. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all, is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a Saturday Night Live skit or a prime-time sit-com. Now look how silly you sound!

The most important ingredient during an conflict is the knowledge that love can return and that spirited negotiation is all part of building intimacy. When I once commented to my favorite bickering couple that I notice that there is love behind their arguments, the husband winked at me and said, “Not love. Sport.” Even in conflict there can be a bond and a secret agreement to respect each other.

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Posted in Domestic Violence, Love, Marriage, Relationship Tools | No Comments »

Do You Know How To Fight Fair?

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

couple-arguingWhen couples tell me they have emotional intimacy I often ask them about their fighting style. If they tell me they don’t ever fight I am quite assured that they don’t have true intimacy. When two separate people join together for common life goals, clashes are inevitable. But conflict alone is not an indicator of a relationship’s health. The better barometer is the nature of repair. How do couples make up after a fight? With apologies, contrition, consoling and even laughter? Or is the aftermath of anger marked by silence, distance and a new rule to never speak about the subject of the fight?

Learning how to have healthy conflict is crucial to having emotional intimacy. But what exactly is healthy conflict?

Well, for starters, fighting fair means using words that identify your feelings rather than blame and point fingers. Easier said than done. Even though psychotherapists stress that we should focus on our feelings rather than level accusations, even the most educated of us resort to blaming sentences that begin with the word “YOU!” That alone doesn’t indicate a “bad fight” unless it is also followed by vicious name calling. Name calling is a bad sign. It indicates that one partner has temporarily forgotten the other’s identity and has substituted it by a skewed stereotype. It’s hard to drop those evil caricatures once our minds have created them. If you see him as a loser and tell him over and over, you are also rewiring your brain to believe this is true. One other thing to consider is the amount of voice time alloted each arguer. If the yelling is terribly lop-sided and one partner gets more air time, then something else is going on. Either intimidation by the loud mouth, or an emotional retreat by the other. Both things are not fighting fair.

As injurious as a fight can be, the biggest determinant of whether it is a “good fight” is the way repair is made afterward. There are many unique ways that couples come back into relationship after a fight. Notes left by the morning coffee pot, flowers at the office, and my favorite — off-the-charts make-up sex. But the important thing to remember is that love and respect can return.

Dangerous aftermaths include icy treatment for days on end. Little jabs thrown into unrelated conversations. Passive aggressive, retaliatory behavior. And worst of all, a fight that morphs into other fights that get flooded with material from old injuries. “Remember the time you…..”

The best way to learn to have “good fights” is to establish ground rules before any fighting begins. Men love rules of the game. It reminds them of sports and makes fighting a healthy challenge rather than a confusing battle with a scary, invisible opponent. Some ground rules might include, no name calling, no stonewalling, no fighting in front of the kids, no going to bed mad, and most importantly, scheduled make-up time the next day. It is also important to understand that each person has their own fighting style that must be respected. A man who walks out the door for brisk walk during an argument may not be rejecting you, he may be protecting you from a shift from words to action. Some people need a time-out to regroup and think during a fight. The time to talk about fighting styles, of course, is when you are not fighting.

Studies on couples conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner’s schools. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all, is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a Saturday Night Live skit or a prime-time sit-com. Now look how silly you sound!

The most important ingredient during an conflict is the knowledge that love can return and that spirited negotiation is all part of building intimacy. When I once commented to my favorite bickering couple that I notice that there is love behind their arguments, the husband winked at me and said, “Not love. Sport.” Even in conflict there can be a bond and a secret agreement to respect each other.

Posted in Domestic Violence, Marriage, Relationship Tools | No Comments »

Eye of the Tiger – Was Tiger Woods Assaulted?

Monday, November 30th, 2009

1128_tiger_elin_woods_getty_ex2

The world is waiting to find out if Tiger’s woods eye and head injury sustained in the wee hours of Friday morning was a result of a car accident (official story) or the result of his postpartum wife’s handy work with a golf club. While police in Jupiter Florida attempt to obtain a search warrant, the world is speculating. While you’re speculating here are a few facts:

7.6 per cent of men are assaulted each year by a spouse or domestic partner and 4% of men are killed. This pales in comparison to the 25% of women who are attacked by a lover and the fact that fully 33% of all female murder victims die at the hands of the man they love. Yikes. It is a fine line between love and hate.

As for Tiger’s lovely wife, Elin Nordegren, the 29 year-old Swedish model turned famous wife and mother, it must be pointed out that she had two children in less than two years and the hormonal changes that happen to a postpartum woman can contribute to personality change. Twenty-per-cent of American women suffer from postpartum depression and this disorder can be long term for some. It’s important to remember that depression isn’t always symptomized by tearfulness and low energy. Wild anger can also be exhibited.

As important a clue as postpartum depression is, so is the identity crisis that many women feel as they transition into motherhood. I call it the babe to baby-mama drama. This crisis can be especially dramatic for beautiful women.  We live in a culture that does not support motherhood (C’mon a six-week maternity leave?) and there is much pressure on women to get back to a Victoria’s Secret body and a prized paycheck at the office. Elin’s pressure would be greater than most women because her entire identity thus far has been related to youth, good looks, and her ability to keep the attention of a famous athlete husband. Imagine her feelings when she reads a report in a tabloid that Tiger has a mistress!

Finally, let’s look at physical evidence. According to reports, both passenger side windows were shattered by the wife-wielding-golf-club. If she was simply attempting to unlock the door, wouldn’t only one window be sufficient?

No matter what the outcome, it is clear that this family is in crisis and needs, more than anything, support, intervention, and therapy. Where’s grandma is all this?

Posted in Celebrity Relationships, Domestic Violence | 3 Comments »

Can Children of Divorced Parents Have Happy Marriages?

Friday, November 13th, 2009

10424_148509696833_115788661833_3395422_7643835_aI was reminded about the underpinnings of love today by a comment posted by one of my blog readers. He was wondering if being raised by a single parent and not witnessing the bumps and joys of a marriage, makes relationships tough. The answer is, probably not any tougher than someone who had parents who never divorced but demonstrated far more conflict than cooperation.

We all carry an internalized model for how adult relationships should look and feel. And everyone has a different picture of committed love. Psychologists believe that a kind of blueprint is formed in our minds during our formative years. And that blueprint is a hybrid of three primary relationships.

1. The child’s relationship with their father.
2. The child’s relationship with their mother.
3. The child’s witness to his parents relationship.

These three relationships combine in an individual way to become our blueprint for love. So, if our mother was a perceptive caregiver, we might value care in our adult love relationships. If mother was intrusive and smothered us, we might value a little distance and autonomy in our partner. If Dad was a strong, silent type and we longed for closeness, we might chose someone more communicative, or we might prefer the familiarity of a quiet person. It’s a bit of a crap shoot, how we combine the traits to create our own special comfort level.

Our parents relationship is a crucial piece of the puzzle. Children are like little sponges absorbing communication styles, conflict rituals, boundary enforcements, acts of love, sexual messages, and supportive behaviors. This relationship is like an artist’s basic sketch before the layers of paint add color to our idea of love.

So, what if Mom or Dad was MIA? How does a child form a blueprint for love if they are missing the first sketches? The answer is a bit complex. Children take bits and pieces from surrogate relationships and other kinds of relationships that they witness. And their blueprint gets heavily weighted with lessons from the relationship with the available parent. It may also be riddled with feelings of longing because of the missing parent.

Is longterm, committed love possible if a child never witnessed it while growing up? The answer is a resounding, yes. Humans have an amazing ability to adapt and create love. Some days it can feel a little like heading down a tunnel without a flashlight, but humans have a innate tendency to connect with other humans across the lifespan. The degree of closeness and style of relationship is our own blueprint. The real growth enhancing experience comes when we marry our blueprint with our partner’s map. The areas of conflict are our opportunities to grow and learn and examine our childhood blueprint with the consciousness of an adult. Love is an opportunity to grow. It is the very best catalyst for human development. And it’s something that all humans crave.

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Posted in Dating, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Marriage, Parenting | No Comments »

The Art of Forgiveness

Saturday, September 12th, 2009

From MomLogic.comThere’s no way around it, when someone has wronged us, it hurts. It often hurts a lot for a very long time. The injury could be minor, though profound, like a betrayal by a friend, or it could be major, like a physical assault. The point of the saying is that, no matter the injury, we can’t truly move on until we learn to forgive. And that’s a very tough walk. Here are a few thoughts on the art of forgiveness and how we can all learn to cultivate it.

First of all, think of forgiveness as a gift to yourself, not a gift to your offender. When a deep injury is done to us, we’ll never recover until we forgive. It is a way to clear a blockage in our minds and move forward with new knowledge and new growth. We are a more evolved person after we forgive, and that’s our gift to ourselves.

Forgiveness requires empathy. It is essential that you begin the forgiveness process by putting yourself in the shoes of your offender. Imagine that pain and fear are behind his or her anger. Imagine a small child inside your enemy who is as confused as you are about the injury. Imagine what it must feel like to walk with the guilt of having hurt someone. It doesn’t matter if your offender will ever actually get to the conscious place of feeling guilt and remorse. He or she need not seek your forgiveness in order for you to have a transformation. This process is about you. But it is helpful to come up with some explanation for your offender’s heinous action that feels rational to you. This is your mental journey. So, whether you imagine their bad childhood, their feelings of racial or gender persecution, or their feelings of envy toward you, find a reason for their bad behavior.

Now, from that place of understanding, make a conscious decision to forgive that person. Create a private action that supports your decision. Write an unsent letter to them, light a candle and say a prayer in their name, or simply stick a post-it on your bathroom mirror that says “I forgive (insert name) I have feelings of love for (insert name).” This is a secret act but it’s a powerful action for brain change. For a few weeks, return daily to these private actions of forgiveness. Reread that letter. Relight that candle. Say the words on the post-it out loud. This is a way to rewire your brain.

The biggest step toward forgiveness is to express it to your offender. Whether you do it in an email (easiest) on the phone or in person (best, if possible) it must be done so that you can move on. And the tricky part of forgiveness is this: to express forgiveness without expressing blame. Your words should focus on your own feelings of hurt rather than the act that caused the injury. So, instead of saying, “I forgive you for stealing from me, you jerk,” you might say something like, “I felt so betrayed when I lost that money. But now I am letting go of those feelings. I want the best for you.” This is your journey and this higher level communication will speak to the highest level of your offender’s personality.

And, be reminded that forgiveness in not a magic trick to change someone else. Even if you change, the other person may not. And that’s okay. And finally, know that forgiveness takes maintenance. During future life stresses, old feelings about this injury may bubble up again. Each time they do, quietly walk those feelings back to bed with the same techniques. Eventually enough time will pass that those memories will lose their emotional punch. Forgiveness is the most mentally freeing experience. I encourage you to try it.

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Posted in Divorce, Domestic Violence, Marriage, Relationship Tools | No Comments »

Athletes & Violence: A Message to Professional Sports Organizations

Friday, September 11th, 2009

San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman was arrested early Sunday on suspicion of choking and restraining MTV reality show star Tila Tequila, police said. That’s according to CNN.com this week.

There are little details on the incident, but clearly an arrest was made. Is this another case of a man with enormous talent and potential unable to stop his physical self when emotions are involved? In many ways, it’s not so surprising for athletes. They spend decades of their lives being urged to use aggression to get what they want — in Merriman’s case, a Super Bowl ring — so why are we surprised that physical action is the go-to place when they get in a regressed state? I happen to know a man who was sentenced to a year of court-ordered domestic violence group therapy and he reported to me that it was like going to an NBA/NFL fan club meeting. There were many appearances by professional athletes in the court-ordered group.

So, what can parents and coaches of amateur and professional athletes do to help these young boys and men learn alternative ways to express emotions? At the very least, some skills in emotional communication should be taught alongside physical education. Already the NBA offers a course in sexuality to protect its rookies from arrest for rape or from an unwanted pregnancy. I think it’s time that these organizations step up and get these brave and talented men the emotional education and communication tools they need to keep themselves out of jail for domestic violence. Don’t you agree?

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Your Unconscious — Look whose driving your car!

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

10424_152186811833_115788661833_3449596_98040_aHow many times have you asked yourself, “Why did I do that?” I should have learned that doesn’t work.

I have a favorite metaphor to explain how unconscious processes drive our behavior. Imagine that you have grown up, away from your troubled childhood, and have created your dream adult life. You are in the back of a limo. You have cash. And you look great. The only problem is the limo driver. You can’t see his/her face and no matter how often you order them to take you to the finest restaurant and most beautiful mansion, that darn driver keeps turning that car around and going back to some dirty bird restaurant you ate at as a kid. And rather than taking you to a mansion, your driver keeps pulling up to the house you grew up in. Urrgh!!!

Whether you are a layperson, like most screen writers, and use the term “sub”-conscious, or have training in Psychology and like to look smart by saying, “un”-conscious, the meaning is the same. We all have early life feelings that are out of our awareness, yet drive most of our conscious life.

So, are we a slave to our unconscious, or can we break the shackles of early life programming and think, feel, and behave as an adult? The answer is yes, but not without help. If we’re super lucky, we have a love relationship that both contains us and challenges us to grow. The rest of us pay for therapists to do that.

Sigmund Freud may have been a victim of his Victorian era, but he was a genius when it came to understanding the unconscious. He believed that by helping the unconscious become conscious, people can be relieved from psychic pain and bad behaviors. He also believed that dreams are the “royal road to the unconscious” in that they contain “pre-conscious” material. Not that dreams are literal. But that dreams are feelings with pictures. My advice: If you are choosing a therapist, ask them if they do dream therapy. There is plenty of material in the nocturnal theater of our minds.

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Posted in Crime Psychology, Domestic Violence, Relationship Tools | No Comments »

Jaycee’s Abductor. Is Rape Natural?

Friday, August 28th, 2009

5532_144390991833_115788661833_3339069_5427959_aThe registered sex offender who abducted Jaycee Lee Dugard and kept her captive for eighteen years had a prior record of rape. According to some experts, a rapist “gene” is something that may have helped evolution, that is, if men could procreate with both willing and unwilling women, it indicated fitness. And in doing so, they would also be passing on the gene that provided a penchant for forced sex.

This theory was expounded In a 2000 book co-authored by biologist Randy Thornhill, called “A Natural History of Rape: Biological Bases of Sexual Coercion.” But this year, in a Newsweek article, the debunking of the notion began. According to Newsweek’s Sharon Begley, Anthropologist, Kim Hill at Arizona State University, had a hunch that sloppy projections had been made about the fitness of rape. Although Anthropologists still study a fewhunter/gatherer societies today, few have ever seen a rape. That doesn’t mean the gene wasn’t selected for increased reproduction though.

Hill and some colleagues decided to do a calculation using an example of the Aché, a traditional hunter/gatherer tribe living in Paraguay. Using an example of a 25-year-old Aché, they mathematically projected how rape would affect the evolutionary journey of one male. They basically calculated a rapist’s costs and benefits and the likelihood that his genes would survive. They were also generous with their calculations — assuming that the subject would only rape women of child-bearing age, when in actuality, women of all ages are raped. The calculations included a demerit point system — the man would lose fitness points for things like getting killed by a rape victim’s relative, having the child abandoned by the rape victim, the likelihood that conception would happen at all based on a woman’s reproductive cycle, and even if being a rapist in a small town would affect the likelihood that others would share their food.

And…. drum roll please…. the final math, from Begley’s June, 2009, Newsweek article:

“Rape increases a man’s evolutionary fitness based on the chance that a rape victim is fertile (15 percent), that she will conceive (a 7 percent chance), that she will not miscarry (90 percent) and that she will not let the baby die even though it is the child of rape (90 percent). Hill then ran the numbers on the reproductive costs and benefits of rape. It wasn’t even close: the cost exceeds the benefit by a factor of 10. ‘That makes the likelihood that rape is an evolved adaptation extremely low,’ says Hill. ‘It just wouldn’t have made sense for men in the Pleistocene to use rape as a reproductive strategy, so the argument that it’s preprogrammed into us doesn’t hold up.’ ”

Yep, from the mouths of scientists — if you are a rapist, you can’t blame your genes fellas. It’s your own damn fault. Well, actually it’s probably the fault of some receptive biology mixed with a bad childhood. But it’s your own damn fault if you fail to seek help.

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Posted in Crime Psychology, Domestic Violence, Sexuality | No Comments »