Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

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Three Women. Three Glasses of Wine. Three Stories of Betrayal.

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

Being a Doctor of Psychology I can make academic sense of how successfully and without conscience many people lie. The best of them can go into a little mental compartment where they even believe their own lies as they flow out of their mouth.

I have seen Joran van der Sloot the suspect in the Natalee Holloway murder tell three separate stories about what happened in Aruba five years ago. In my opinion the only word of sordid truth he ever uttered was in Dutch when he referred to sweet Natalee as a “bitch.” The truth is that this young man has extreme anger toward women.

Lying to authorities to save your hide is one kind of deceit but what about the average person who lies to their closest intimates? Just last night, while sipping at a neighborhood wine bar, I heard three stories about men who lie to obtain sex, ego stroking, or even a woman’s trust. And as a woman (not a doctor, now) I have to say, what’s up with that?

In one story, my best friend’s longtime, on-again-off-again boyfriend was found to have fathered three children during the same years they whispered secrets between the sheets. Except he forgot to tell her that one secret — that his sperm, his time and his resources were going another direction.

In another story, a neighbor of mine was reeling from heartbreak after a broken engagement to an NFL football player (Read: He can afford bobbles.) In her loss and misery she thought she might console herself with a little recession era recycling so she marched her three carrot diamond ring to a jeweler, only to discover that a man she had once deeply trusted had given her a three carrot cubic zirconia.

While we continued to muse in disgust about how some men can feign intimacy and trustworthiness so well, the name of one of my old paramours came up. He’s been used as an example of a bad-boy in both my books (The Boyfriend Test and The Girlfriend Test) because this guy is the ultimate player. Over the course of our seventeen year “friendship” he has uttered the “L” word to me but he has also used my heart, my body and my money for his personal gain. He’s good, trust me. I have been out of his mesmerizing clutches for a few years now. Whew! But just a few weeks back I say him hiking with yet another beauty and shook my head to see that he’s still lying and juggling even at the age of, my God, could he be 53 by now? Anyway, my wine partners informed me that he had recently married his assistant. I laughed out loud, saying there is no way his marriage would have slowed down his appetite for frequent new sexual conquests. They assured me he is behaving as a loyal married man.

So I texted him a little “hello.”

And he quickly texted back. What he wrote were words that no married man should ever write to an old flame. My heart broke for his wife.

In the book, “101 Lies Men Tell Women, and Why Women Believe Them,” Dr. Dory Hollander claims that the root of all romantic lying is that women seek emotional connection and men mostly seek sex. The number one lie she sites? “I Love You.”

The saddest thing about my three stories of betrayal and the hundreds of stories in Dr. Hollander’s books is that so often we blame women for believing the lies. I was shocked to see the firestorm of criticism of Rielle Hunter, the mother of former presidential candidate John Edwards‘ fifth child. Somehow the media saw fit to place the bulk of the blame on her as a home wrecker. As the target of many, many lies issued from a male mouth, I can promise you that Mr. Edwards lied through his teeth to poor Miss. Hunter. First of all this slick rick wasn’t even playing in his own intellectual sandbox so getting her to believe his fabrications was probably a cake walk. I can just imagine his best promise to her, “Honey, you’re the one I love. My marriage is a sham to get me through this presidential campaign. Once I am president we can raise our baby in the White House.”  Trust me. His story ran along those lines.

The blame should never be on the recipient of a lie. Gullible people are innocent. Yes, I’ve removed the gender now, because some women lie as well as most men. But the culprit is the liar and his/her the lack of moral reasoning and inability to have compassion for others. The blame lies only with the deceitful person, not the one who trusted. What do you think?


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Posted in Crime Psychology, Emotions, Love, Marriage, Relationship Tools, Sexuality | 2 Comments »

Relationship Tool: Expressing Gratitude Better Than Promising an I.O.U.

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

We all know that relationships are a system of interdependence. Partners provide back-and-forth give-and-take on a daily basis. Now new research shows that expressing gratitude both verbally and behaviorally acts as a booster shot for relationship health.

The study was authored by Dr. Sara Algoe and is published in this month’s issue of “Personal Relationships.” In it, sixty-five couples were studied who were in ongoing, satisfying, and committed relationships. The researchers followed the day-to-day fluctuations in relationship satisfaction and connection for each partner and found that little, everyday, ups and downs in relationship quality were reliably marked by one person’s feelings of gratitude. The positive effects on the relationship were noticed even the day after feeling the gratitude was expressed. This study supports the idea that that even everyday gratitude serves an important relationship maintenance mechanism.

But the authors warn that expressing “indebtedness,” a need to repay the kind action, did not have the same affect. I’m wondering if an expression of “I owe you one” implies a scoring system where equal contribution is the expected outcome. Kindness has the most value if it involves a sponteneous sacrifice by the giver, not an I.O.U.

When I think of this concept, I am reminded of the relationship I have with one of my closest girlfriends. Over the course of our twenty year friendship money has changed hands in a very fluid way with an unspoken rule: Whoever is flush picks up the check. And should either my girlfriend and I utter the phrase, “I owe you one” it is quickly responded to with, “No you don’t. It all comes out in the laundry.”  Thus, our friendship is given the booster shot of gratitude far more often than any calculation of debts.

So, gratitude is the way to go. According to the author of the study, “Gratitude triggers a cascade of responses within the person who feels it in that very moment, changing the way the person views the generous benefactor, as well as motivations toward the benefactor. This is especially true when a person shows that they care about the partner’s needs and preferences.”


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Posted in Emotions, Marriage, Relationship Tools | No Comments »

What’s Killing Our Relationships? Fear of Dependancy.

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

Everyone seems obsessed with relationships these days. When men and women share their relationship stories with me I see one big epidemic in our culture — fear of dependancy.

For instance, last night I was at a dinner party and when word got around that I am the Ph.D. who studies relationships, an inevitable mini group-therapy session broke out. The stories abounded about our curious relationship landscape. And alcohol-fueled questions popped out that amounted to “why am I like this?”

With few social rules forcing people into traditional relationships, many people are beginning to understand that their relationship style whether it be dominated by promiscuity, serial monogamy, an emotionally avoidant marriage, or preference for solitude, lies on them. With few family and friends forcing us into a legal, heterosexual, monogamous union, we are free to live out who we are. And that’s the problem. Many of us do not want to live out our “natural” attachment style and actually long for a closeness that will help us feel secure. Or we long for a relationship that will help us procreate and create healthy offspring.

Time and time again at these ad hoc therapy sessions, I find myself explaining “fear of dependancy.” Because, in my opinion, that’s what most relationship strife boils down to. In order to have a healthy relationship, we have to trust someone, we have to trust love and believe it will be consistent. And partners have to learn to depend on each other. All these beliefs about love are programmed in infancy and early life.

So when pop-psyche writers like myself identify someone as being comittment-phobic or a bad-boy or a cougar, we are actually looking at a behavior that is the outcome of a mistrust of love. A fear of being dependent on another.

For some reason, our culture places great value on independence. It’s one unfortunate downside of capitalism. My suspicion is that large, intertwined family systems are a threat to commerce and politics. But too much independence is a killer of romantic relationships. A healthy relationship is also not a kind of co-dependence where no one can remember who’s problem is whose. Instead, a mutually supportive relationship involves interdependence, where partners takes turns leaning on each other. And like that game of trust where one closes his eyes and falls back into the arms of a trusted friend, are you really convinced that you will always be caught? Because that’s exactly what’s keeping you single or disconnected in your marriage.

Posted in Dating, Divorce, Emotions, Hooking Up, Love, Marriage | 4 Comments »

Can “Miracle Boy” Ever Truly Heal?

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

An eleven-year-old Dutch boy, the sole survivor of a plane crash, reportedly smiled at his aunt and uncle who flew to his bedside when they recognized him from television pictures. He hasn’t been told yet that his parents and brother died in the crash.

The boy, identified as Ruben van Assouw, suffered multiple fractures in his lower limbs when the Afriqiyah Airways Airbus A330-200 crashed Tuesday at Tripoli International Airport killing 92 passengers and a crew of 11. Ruben is the sole survivor.

So, what lies ahead for the young victim? The good news is that his body is projected to have a complete recovery, however, his psychological injuries may persist for the rest of his life.

The most obvious danger is persistent Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) when one is witness to death or potential death that can cause lifelong feelings of anxiety, depression, detachment, distressing dreams or “flashbacks”. In children repetitive play may involve acting out the trauma over and over.

One major symptom of PTSD is “Survivor’s Guilt” and it adds symptoms of depression and low-self esteem that follow the belief that somehow their survival caused the death of the others. The sad thing about survivor’s guilt, as seen in the families of Holocaust survivors, is that is can be a multi-generational disorder.

Finally, Ruben may suffer painful Attachment Injuries because his primary attachment figures were suddenly eliminated. The child can grow up to have a powerful mistrust of love and relationships, or in a very anxious way, cling to new attachment figures even when they don’t provide a healthy return.

The road back to mental health is long, though very possible. Intensive grief counseling might be combined with family systems therapy to help him bond and attach to his new caregivers. Once Ruben is able to view himself as a sufferer, not one who caused suffering, he can mourn and continue with life.

The most amazing thing about the human psyche is it’s ability to heal after trauma. His biological predisposition to anxiety, depression, and feelings of abandonment will be a major determinant of his future mental health. Some people recover from horrific events very well, while others can become dysfunctional by even minor emotional trauma. That’s the fascinating thing about psychology — it happens at the intersection of biology and environment. Our prayers go out to Ruben.

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Posted in Emotions, Infant Attachment, Uncategorized | No Comments »

When Sex Doesn’t “Click.” A Sign to End A Budding Relationship?

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

A guy friend of mine who happens to be single mentioned that he’s had sex with a few women in the past few months and “nothing clicked.” When I reminded him that sex should never be the START of a relationship (the mixture of physical intimacy, budding emotional intimacy and fear can be completely toxic) he argued that if the sex isn’t “good” than it’s a sign the relationship will never work.

I beg to differ.

What is sex, after all, but an exchange of physical care, mixed with a longing for love, or an expression of love itself? Sex without an emotional connection is certainly possible and some people have stand alone sex in order to avoid intimacy. But for anyone looking for a real-world, mutually supportive relationship, early sex is always a sloppy mix of hope, hunger, and fear. Could this be “the one”? Will she/he like me enough? Can I perform? etc.

Waiting to have sex while building a little emotional intimacy can be protective in a number of ways. Delaying sex can establish good communication, trust, and a friendship that can weather the awkwardness of the “first-time.” Waiting to have sex can also screen out those who aren’t looking to create an emotional relationship — that includes bad-boys and girls who disassociate. I’m always amazed when I hear men tell me a dating story where they are out on a date and really beginning to open up to a woman about some emotional issue and the woman dismisses them and instead responds with, “Honey, I just want to f— your brains out.” Those stories confirm for me that sexual equality has arrived, coupled with its downside.

Finally, it’s important to consider that sexual attraction also has great psychological underpinnings. For instance, if we believe deep down that we are unlovable we may be specifically aroused by those who can’t offer emotional love. It’s our brain’s funny way of sticking to what’s familiar. Abuse and inconsistent love experienced as a child can create an attachment style geared toward abusive and inconsistent love relationships. We know we once survived unhappiness? Why risk the uncharted waters of a happy, consistent, supportive relationship?

Sometimes one’s arousal orientation — our attraction to a certain personality style or way of relating — is exactly the thing that brings us pain. The objects of our desire, while bringing us a “hot” physical experience are specifically attractive exactly because they fulfill out worst nightmares. For many people an intense sexual attraction should be a cue that this potential partner is bad for them. Intense lust is often a red flag for those who have an anxious or ambivalent attachment disorder.

Anyone who has experienced healthy, long-term monogamy knows that once the relationship becomes a multi-leveled partnership the sexual aspect of the relationship becomes far less important than the other ways a relationship feeds us — with trust, encouragement, consistency, and care. Relationships are an exchange of mutual care. Sexual attraction is part of phase-one construction that helps us secure a bond. But if we do not trust love, or deep-down feel unlovable, then our libido will be wired for pain. In that case, it is our journey to learn to use mind over heart. To think through our attractions and make different, often scary, choices instead of being led down a path of hormones toward a familiar pain. The key to happiness is our ability intellectually process our emotional life and make behavioral changes that may feel uncomfortable at first, but represent progress.

So can “bad” sex turn into “good” sex? Of course it can. Sexual incompatibility may be a case of nerves, inexperience, or a leap into those uncharted emotional waters. The solution is talk, trust, and gentle exploration. And, if you can’t talk about sex with someone then you shouldn’t be having sex with them.


Posted in Dating, Emotions, Hooking Up, Sexuality | No Comments »

Are Racial Slurs Okay as a Term of Endearment?

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

Recently I began hearing my middle-schooler call her close friend a “blonde.” The manner in which she used the word implied that it was a short form of “dumb blonde.” My kid would come home from school and say things like, “Mom, you know what my blonde said today?” This kind of bothered me. Not just because I happen to be a blonde, but because I have a really hard time hearing anyone defined and entitled by skin or hair color. You’ll hear me point out someone by the color of their clothes long before I mention skin color.

So, I talked to her about it. I told her that movies like “White Chicks” and “Legally Blonde” may make it seem that girls with blonde hair are the last group that are culture allows us to make fun of, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. Then she stunned me with this retort. “Mom, we are best friends. We’re joking. It’s how she knows I love her. And she calls me her maid.”

“Maid?” I asked

“Yah, she said if we were born a long time ago, I would be a slave so she calls me her maid.” Then my daughter peeled into giggles of laughter at the thought. I should tell you here, if you haven’t figured it out already, that my daughter is bi-racial, of Irish and African ethnicity.

This whole expanded definition of the “blonde and maid” friendship didn’t soothe me a whole lot. But it did get me thinking about how terms of endearment are sometimes slurs that spoken in the privacy of an intimacy imply, “This is our special word. Our joke. This separates us from the world and bonds us together,”

A perfect example would be the fact that many African-Americans use the “N” word within their racial circle as a term of affection. Oprah would prefer to erase even that use of the word. Chris Rock thinks it’s powerful. Within the context that it is used, it is a word of acceptance and brotherhood or sisterhood. But damn the person with white skin who accidently thinks they are in the club and uses the word. For many Americans of color, that word, even spoken in love and affection by a white person, represents yet another thing they are robbed of. Call it culture, identity, or simply a group cohesion. When a white person uses the “N” word they are often met with a glare that says, “You will not take that away from us! We remember the historical use of that word.” Curiously, I should also tell you that I have been referred to by the “N” word. It happened often in a loving, intimate way with an old boyfriend who felt proud to call me his, “N.” And I accepted it with love.

But back to maids and blondes. Have our historical trappings become loosened? Are we so far past the tragedies and injustices of the past that this new generation can make light of it? Maybe it’s no different from the “witches” costumes that we wear at halloween, a tragic symbol of hundreds of thousands of women who were mercilessly tortured and murdered for the crime of thinking “out of the box.” Are these middle school maids and blondes doing the same thing? What do you think?

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Posted in Emotions, Friendship | 3 Comments »

What Does Your “Mom Hair” Reveal? Efficiency or Depression?

Saturday, April 3rd, 2010

We all know the famous new-Mom hair cut. Yep. That’s me with my oldest at her third birthday party. When she was born, I got myself a short, low-maintenance pixie cut that allowed me to reduce my preening time and increase my diaper changing time. I even went one step further than a simple cut and sacrificed my blonde locks for my natural brunette base, thus saving time and money in a colorist’s chair.

There are other forms of “Mom Hair.” Consider the perma-pony tail, a look that keeps tiny hands from pulling mommy’s hair and keeps Mommy’s hands away from a blow dryer. Then there’s the all-telling baseball cap with the “MacDonald’s Employee” pony tail sticking out the back. We all know that signals a long night with a screaming teether.

But there is more than convenience and efficiency in our Mom hair doos. Hair is our most obvious signal to the world of our internal state of mind. Hair can be linked to our moods and even our sexuality. When I look back at pictures of me in my short, dark crop, I shudder with memories of postpartum depression that went undiagnosed. After baby number two, with a little help from Zoloft, I stayed with long, blonde hair. Coincidence? I think not.

Hair is linked to a woman’s sexual attractiveness, and lack of attention to hair can also signal that sexual energy is being temporarily diverted to put the baby’s needs first. The onset of motherhood can bring a shift in identity as women move from being Barbie Dolls to Betty Crockers, all on the way to becoming a fully empowered woman. (Women without children encounter a similar phenomenon as they age and sexual attractiveness becomes less important than their ability to be creative, productive, and to nurture the world.)

It’s perfectly natural for women to care less about their looks while they do the rigorous work of caring for an infant. I am less concerned about a new Mom with her hair in a frayed knot, than the “Hot Mom” who’s wearing her baby as an accessory and ignoring the fact that the babe’s sunhat has been covering her eyes for twenty minutes. Putting baby first is nature’s way.

“Mom Hair” could signal depression if it also includes a lack of hygiene and a lack of desire to primp, ever, even one-in-a-while for the man of the house. So, look closely in the mirror today. What is your hair is saying about you?

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Posted in Emotions, Parenting, Pregnancy, Sexuality | No Comments »

Famous Wives. Public Embarrassment.

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Any wife who has been cheated on knows the visceral effect of embarrassment in her social circle. The gossips in the peripheral of her every move sing muffled chants about her role in the affair or why she bothers to stay in the marriage. But when that everyday wife appears in person, the tongues quiet and public smiles replace the wagging tongues.

A famous wife knows an entirely different kind of public embarrassment. She looks no further than her super-market aisles, the local radio, or the national news for the openly wagging tongues. Our hearts bleed for Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Edwards and Elin Woods, and so we moralize, we bemuse, and we give advice as if these women were our own sisters. The media and general public feel safe in gossiping about famous people because they seem so far removed. We are reminded that their problems are much like ours, although often on a grander scale.

But what must the experience be like for an innocent wife who lives a public life? How can she tolerate the negative limelight now shinning on her family? Embarrassment often plays a role in people’s moral sense. It helps them “do the right thing,” but what if the scandal was not their fault? And what if their decision to save the marriage goes against the jury of public opinion?

The best answer to these questions, is to avoid. To emotionally survive the public humiliation, famous women must cloister themselves in the world of most intimate family members and wait for the media tide to change. Elin and Sandra are certainly doing that. And when they do eventually move forward they must defend against feelings of embarrassment by maintaining the fantasy that few people read those tabloid rags, anyway.

Case in point, a couple years back I was introduced to Christie Brinkley at a charity event. Our introduction came a few years after a media blitz concerning the infidelity of her husband with their young babysitter. When our mutual friend introduced us she attempted to find common ground for us by telling Christie that I had recently gone through a painful break up with the father of my children. Christie, immediately, clasped my hands and exclaimed, ‘Oh Honey so did I! And you wouldn’t believe what happened to me!” Then she proceeded to give me details of her husband’s bad behaviors as if I had never been in a supermarket in my life. Clearly her very efficient coping strategy was to maintain the illusion that few people knew. I commend her for that. It’s a high level survival mechanism. Compartmenting is the way our brain avoids being flooded with painful thoughts than can cause destructive behavior.And, by the way, I played along with her fantasy and acted astounded by her news.

Celebrity problems make our own pain feel, somehow, normal. Our very real human emotion of empathy helps us have a shared emotional experience when we witness a celebrity’s love life. Suddenly we are not alone in our own journey. And we are comforted by the knowledge that money and fame do not protect us from relationship problems. So, my advice, down the road if you are ever introduced to Sandra, Elin, or Elizabeth, pretend you know nothing.

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Posted in Celebrity Relationships, Emotions, Marriage | No Comments »

Why Men Stray More than Women (And How to Prevent Cheating)

Friday, February 26th, 2010

It is estimated that 65% of divorces occur  because of an extra-marital affair. And, despite the sexual revolution and the reduction of the “double standard,” more men still cheat than women. Now science shows us why this gender imbalance might exist.

First, there could be a genetic link. Swedish researchers recently identified an “infidelity gene,” which is present in four of 10 men. This gene can explain why some men are more prone to stormy relationships and bond less to their wives or girlfriends. However, it’s important to remember that biology is not destiny. People born with genetic predispositions to say, heart disease or obesity, make lifestyle adjustments that compensate for the negative gene.

Secondly, men may find it easier to cheat because they feel less guilt than woman. A Spanish study recently revealed that the interpersonal sensitivity of men (especially those aged between 25-33) is low compared to women. This clearly could affect a man’s ability to empathize with his partner. The study also showed that men feel less intense guilt and this difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group, a group particularly vulnerable to the mid-life crisis affair.

Finally, more men fear emotional intimacy more than do women. Believe it or not, some men find lovers so they can  avoid any real intimacy. Emotional closeness and the expression of vulnerability that goes with it scares many men, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them. At the same time,  they don’t get too emotionally involved with their lovers. This kind of “watering down of the milk” feels safer to some men.

As always, my solution to bullet-proof relationships is to grow a bond through emotional intimacy. To make a relationship  rock-solid, one must move a step or two closer to the bone, and hone some relationship skills. Compassion can be learned. Fair-fighting is a skill. And stonewalling is a killer of all connection. Intimacy is not easy nor painfree. Extreme emotional intimacy and mutual care may involve squeamish feelings of shame, the forced expression of awkward words, an ability to see the ugly in others and still love them, and worse,  the ability to glaringly see the ugly in ourselves and still feel lovable. But the pay-back is pure kryptonite. An I’ve-got-your-back-if-you’ve-got-mine emotional contract that can make your relationship affair-proof.


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Posted in Divorce, Emotions, Hooking Up, Love, Marriage, Sexuality | No Comments »

New Hope for Those Coping with the Death of a Child

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

When I was in graduate school studying depression, I recall with uncomfortable clarity a comment made by my professor. When asked if all depression was curable he nodded, and then added, except perhaps depression associated with the loss of a child. That’s exactly what Stephanie Muldberg of Short Hills, N.J. experienced. In 2004 she lost her 13-year-old son, Eric, to Ewing’s sarcoma, a bone cancer and for four years thought she was doing okay. “I didn’t do a lot during the day, but I managed to get dinner on the table and drive my daughter to her classes. But I was putting on a big show. I was a zombie.”

When her daughter finally brought her sadness to her attention and a friend severed their relationship saying she was “no fun anymore.” Stephanie found  Dr. M. Katherine Shear, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia, who administers a 16-week experimental kind of therapy specifically designed for something she calls. “complicated grief” — acute sadness that lasts for more than six months.

Shackled with survivors guilt and fear of letting go of her precious son, Stephanie’s grief had become a preoccupation that hung out on the background of her day, yet it was also something she had avoided head on.

Dr. Shear’s treatment, a technique borrowed from treatment for PTSD, involves a revisiting exercise that focus on pleasurable experiences with Eric to help reactivate pleasurable memories, memory work sheets, and eventually tape recorded stories about the trauma of his death. She was instructed to play the tapes every day at home as a way to teach her brain how to compartemenalize. It taught her she could turn off sadness.

“My grief became more comfortable. less shocking. It’s like you get used to it. I had been afraid that if I let go of the grief, I would be letting go of Eric. But the opposite happened. I remembered him more and was able to hold onto him as a positive memory rather than a chronic grief.”

The therapy also showed her she could turn on pleasant memories of Eric without feeling guilty. Another part of the exercise involved letting go of survivor’s guilt. Dr. Shear asked her to imagine a conversation with her son and ask him questions she needed answers to. Then she was told to construct his answers. For Stephanie, the questions were simple: “I wanted to know if I had been a good mom. And I wanted to know what he wanted to be in his life. His future.”

Today, Stephanie feels she has her life back. She can experience joy without guilt and have pleasurable memories of Eric without debilitating sadness.

Each year, two-and-a-half million people die and at least four other people are severely affected by each death. For some of these people the pain does not go away and becomes complicated grief, something that Dr. Shear says, it now treatable.

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Posted in Emotions | 3 Comments »

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