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Three Women. Three Glasses of Wine. Three Stories of Betrayal.

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

Being a Doctor of Psychology I can make academic sense of how successfully and without conscience many people lie. The best of them can go into a little mental compartment where they even believe their own lies as they flow out of their mouth.

I have seen Joran van der Sloot the suspect in the Natalee Holloway murder tell three separate stories about what happened in Aruba five years ago. In my opinion the only word of sordid truth he ever uttered was in Dutch when he referred to sweet Natalee as a “bitch.” The truth is that this young man has extreme anger toward women.

Lying to authorities to save your hide is one kind of deceit but what about the average person who lies to their closest intimates? Just last night, while sipping at a neighborhood wine bar, I heard three stories about men who lie to obtain sex, ego stroking, or even a woman’s trust. And as a woman (not a doctor, now) I have to say, what’s up with that?

In one story, my best friend’s longtime, on-again-off-again boyfriend was found to have fathered three children during the same years they whispered secrets between the sheets. Except he forgot to tell her that one secret — that his sperm, his time and his resources were going another direction.

In another story, a neighbor of mine was reeling from heartbreak after a broken engagement to an NFL football player (Read: He can afford bobbles.) In her loss and misery she thought she might console herself with a little recession era recycling so she marched her three carrot diamond ring to a jeweler, only to discover that a man she had once deeply trusted had given her a three carrot cubic zirconia.

While we continued to muse in disgust about how some men can feign intimacy and trustworthiness so well, the name of one of my old paramours came up. He’s been used as an example of a bad-boy in both my books (The Boyfriend Test and The Girlfriend Test) because this guy is the ultimate player. Over the course of our seventeen year “friendship” he has uttered the “L” word to me but he has also used my heart, my body and my money for his personal gain. He’s good, trust me. I have been out of his mesmerizing clutches for a few years now. Whew! But just a few weeks back I say him hiking with yet another beauty and shook my head to see that he’s still lying and juggling even at the age of, my God, could he be 53 by now? Anyway, my wine partners informed me that he had recently married his assistant. I laughed out loud, saying there is no way his marriage would have slowed down his appetite for frequent new sexual conquests. They assured me he is behaving as a loyal married man.

So I texted him a little “hello.”

And he quickly texted back. What he wrote were words that no married man should ever write to an old flame. My heart broke for his wife.

In the book, “101 Lies Men Tell Women, and Why Women Believe Them,” Dr. Dory Hollander claims that the root of all romantic lying is that women seek emotional connection and men mostly seek sex. The number one lie she sites? “I Love You.”

The saddest thing about my three stories of betrayal and the hundreds of stories in Dr. Hollander’s books is that so often we blame women for believing the lies. I was shocked to see the firestorm of criticism of Rielle Hunter, the mother of former presidential candidate John Edwards‘ fifth child. Somehow the media saw fit to place the bulk of the blame on her as a home wrecker. As the target of many, many lies issued from a male mouth, I can promise you that Mr. Edwards lied through his teeth to poor Miss. Hunter. First of all this slick rick wasn’t even playing in his own intellectual sandbox so getting her to believe his fabrications was probably a cake walk. I can just imagine his best promise to her, “Honey, you’re the one I love. My marriage is a sham to get me through this presidential campaign. Once I am president we can raise our baby in the White House.”  Trust me. His story ran along those lines.

The blame should never be on the recipient of a lie. Gullible people are innocent. Yes, I’ve removed the gender now, because some women lie as well as most men. But the culprit is the liar and his/her the lack of moral reasoning and inability to have compassion for others. The blame lies only with the deceitful person, not the one who trusted. What do you think?


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Posted in Crime Psychology, Emotions, Love, Marriage, Relationship Tools, Sexuality | 2 Comments »

Relationship Tool: Expressing Gratitude Better Than Promising an I.O.U.

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

We all know that relationships are a system of interdependence. Partners provide back-and-forth give-and-take on a daily basis. Now new research shows that expressing gratitude both verbally and behaviorally acts as a booster shot for relationship health.

The study was authored by Dr. Sara Algoe and is published in this month’s issue of “Personal Relationships.” In it, sixty-five couples were studied who were in ongoing, satisfying, and committed relationships. The researchers followed the day-to-day fluctuations in relationship satisfaction and connection for each partner and found that little, everyday, ups and downs in relationship quality were reliably marked by one person’s feelings of gratitude. The positive effects on the relationship were noticed even the day after feeling the gratitude was expressed. This study supports the idea that that even everyday gratitude serves an important relationship maintenance mechanism.

But the authors warn that expressing “indebtedness,” a need to repay the kind action, did not have the same affect. I’m wondering if an expression of “I owe you one” implies a scoring system where equal contribution is the expected outcome. Kindness has the most value if it involves a sponteneous sacrifice by the giver, not an I.O.U.

When I think of this concept, I am reminded of the relationship I have with one of my closest girlfriends. Over the course of our twenty year friendship money has changed hands in a very fluid way with an unspoken rule: Whoever is flush picks up the check. And should either my girlfriend and I utter the phrase, “I owe you one” it is quickly responded to with, “No you don’t. It all comes out in the laundry.”  Thus, our friendship is given the booster shot of gratitude far more often than any calculation of debts.

So, gratitude is the way to go. According to the author of the study, “Gratitude triggers a cascade of responses within the person who feels it in that very moment, changing the way the person views the generous benefactor, as well as motivations toward the benefactor. This is especially true when a person shows that they care about the partner’s needs and preferences.”


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Posted in Emotions, Marriage, Relationship Tools | No Comments »

Can Love Grow Through A Keyboard?

Monday, May 17th, 2010

With the explosion of online connections, cyber introductions, and old-lover google searches, it seems that the whole world is in a digital love frenzy. But can text and email really grow a healthy love connection? The answer is a bit complicated: Sort of and No way.

First of all, what is a healthy love connection? I would say it is a relationship built on trust, honesty, and intellectual commitment. And it usually gets ignited by sexual passion.

The internet is certainly a great place to find sexual passion, since it takes barely a visual whiff or the promise of excitement and/or love, to trigger a sexy juice flow in most people. After all, arousal and orgasm are the sole domain of the individual psyches. We each have an individual pattern of arousal that is triggered by sight, smell, voice, and touch, all related to some early-life events that stimulated us. For instance, years ago I remember, one man examining my manicure closely on a first date. Months later, he shared a distinct memory that in middle school he had had a spontaneous erection at the exact moment that a teacher with a pretty french manicure placed a hand on his desk to emphasize a point during her lecture. In fear of being discovered, he stared at her hand while experiencing a confusing arousal. Even at the age of 35, this man was checking dates for pretty french manicures because the two events had now joined in his mind. While his story is a concrete example with a linear connection to his sexuality, most of us have a Picasso style of arousal, made up of bits and pieces of our memories. And online lovers are a great place to project those patterns, because no one is there in person to dispute the our fantasies.

But there lies the problem with Cyber Love. It is a dance with ourselves. It is a perfect place to imagine the perfect mate. Now, one nice thing about digital communication is that people who are a bit timid about revealing their most secret intimacies in person or via phone, find IM’s. Text, and Emails a safer place. On face value that is true, especially for men, who often have trouble verbalizing feelings. But the danger is two-fold. Text is also a boundary-free world where lovers often disclose too much too soon, before real trust is established. And that can set the relationship up for a pressured first-meeting. I mean, how terrifying to have so much emotional intimacy before one has even walked hand-in-hand with someone. The other serious danger with typed intimacies is that they become a document that can live forever, and what was once an innocent flirtatious remark can be used as a weapon later on.

So my big advice to would-be cyber lovers is to move to telephone chat long before too many secrets have leaked out onto your keyboard. Then when you feel safe, meet in public with friends around. If your relationship continues to grow, use text as an enhancement not as the primary communication. Love and intimacy must grow with eye contact, vocal tone, pheromones, and touch.

Posted in Relationship Tools, Technology and Relationships | 4 Comments »

Connecting in The Age of Technology

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

New Tools. No Rules. That’s what I call the technological revolution.

I have three stories to tell that illustrate how technology is affecting the way we date, mate, and relate.  Story number one comes from the wisdom of a middle school girl, with one entire school semester of dating experience under her belt and a lifetime of tech training. She reminded me that the game of love has a whole new high-tech playing field. I was having dinner in a California Pizza Kitchen with three twelve-year-old girls and I received a text from a 47-year-old guy I’d been dating for about six weeks.

“Oooh” sang my own daughter in an age-old schoolgirl taunt “Is that from your boyfriend?”

I responded with a defensive girlish quip that I perfected twenty-five years ago, “He’s NOT my boyfriend!”

Her friend immediately took meaning from my response and followed firmly with, “Oh, then you only text.” As if to imply that a texting relationship is indeed a kind of relationship but not one that deserves the title of boyfriend.

Then I confused her. “No, we talk too. But only via cell. I haven’t given him my home number yet. And we have dinner dates,” I said.

I watched her eyes widen as her tech savvy mind tried to make sense of what I was saying. “Well, is he your Facebook friend?”

“No.” I said, “We’re not ready for that.”

“Does he follow you on Twitter?”

“Nope.”

Then she gave me a look that read, “How can you sit at the same lunch table with someone who isn’t even online with you?”

It was then that I realized that today, the level of two people’s tech infiltration indicates a level of intimacy and indeed, commitment.

Story number two is a bummer for one almost-bride and reminds us that technology affords few people privacy. This one from a friend. A guy finally gets up the nerve to ask his longtime girlfriend to marry him. Just weeks before the wedding, he finds her tagged in an old photo on Facebook. The photo was innocently posted by a not-so-brainy gal pal as part of a party album and shows the future bride loopy and draped across the lap of an ex-boyfriend. The album is dated and when the groom does the math (Boys are so good at math, aren’t they?) he discovers that this sexy party shot was snapped just weeks before his marriage proposal. Because of this, he calls off the wedding.

Story number three comes from one of my blog readers. A New York City real estate agent is out on a date with a lovely woman who works in television marketing. She is 35, comes from a family that never divorced, loves her sister’s kids to death, and is seriously ready to have a family. The problem is this: The guy she is sitting at the dinner table with has an online love in Dubai, a real world college sweetheart in Chicago whom he keeps in touch via text and email and visits about once a month, and a line-up of local dates waiting in the wings on Match.com. How can he ever hear the call of true love over the din created by so many opportunities for love? And they all exist because of technology.

The Problem

In this high-tech age, our culture and circumstance run interference against that course of evolution. That is, to attach long enough to breed and nurture offspring who can form their own healthy bonds and attachments. Today, healthy attachments are threatened by a permissive society, a sexualized media, too much opportunity that creates “Love ADD”, all fueled by technology.

Technology was designed to keep us connected but it has morphed into a monster that has millions of people keeping in touch, yet touching nothing tender. Take Twitter as a prime example. The text-based megaphone to your contact list limits your feelings to 140 characters or less (including spaces.) Unless you are Ernest Hemmingway, it is impossible to communicate anything of substance with such brevity. Text may be instant, but it is far from intimate. It is a communication void of body language, eye contact, vocal tone, and pheromones. Imagine your favorite band without the drummer or the vocalist and you’ll understand how inferior text communication is. Even longer messages sent via Facebook, MySpace, or traditional Email, may be filled with more words, but can be seriously lacking in emotional content, especially if one is not a very good writer. So much is lost in this kind of communication.

The Answer

Believe it or not, I’m not down on tech. Technology, if used correctly can be a strategic way to find and keep love. It can be used for its original purpose, to keep people connected. To help lovers express what they may be shy to say out loud, to help families schedule tech-free time to relate, and even to help heal the wounds of a relationship rupture. But the key is the knowledge of how to use technology to grow and keep love, and how avoid its hazards. We need a set of tech rules for love and I’m open to hearing your ideas for how to use these new tools to find and keep a mate.

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Posted in Dating, Relationship Tools, Technology and Relationships | No Comments »

Tiger Woods – Listen Up Ladies and Gentlemen!

Friday, February 19th, 2010

I’m weeping as I type this. I am a chick after all. Having just watched Tiger Woods apology to his friends, family, employees, business partners, and foundation beneficiaries, I am simply moved. I am also confused. I am wondering why an athlete in Florida whom I have never met nor seen in public can cause me, a single mother in Los Angeles, to have such a blubbering event.

And the answer is simple. There are few women in America who do not long to hear such words of contrition and kindness from a man, and Tiger is as likely a surrogate for healing as anyone. At some point in their lives most women have been deeply injured by some man’s selfishness whether it was infidelity, or violence, or stingy child support. And here is a man finally doing the right thing. My own waterworks started with his tribute to his wife, Elin, using words like, grace and poise to describe her. There are a couple men in my past who would do well by me if they could form any similar words.

And I hope men listened closely too. This is the kind of role model so many men need. On who stops the buck at his desk and takes full responsibility for his actions. Through Tiger, men can hear first-hand how infidelity is not only a betrayal of trust but an action that reverberates through many relationships. Is one (or sixteen) moments of sexual pleasure really worth the destruction of so much? I truly hope that men who claim to have trouble controlling themselves can learn something from Tiger’s blown-up version of their story.

Because the tides of relationship rules are changing. It used to be that women provided all the sexual boundaries in our culture. Women had far to much to lose by entering into a sexual relationship with a man who might abandon them, impregnate them, contaminate them or disgrace them. Not today. Thanks to feminism, women own their own orgasm and a box of Trojans. They are off to the races. And, as families fall apart — 40% of American babies are born out of wedlock and the rest are vulnerable to a 50% divorce rate — some men are stepping up to create their own sexual boundaries, if only to keep safe their genetic line. I spoke with one such man yesterday, Mark Verge, a happily married guy whose book, “Access to the Boys Club” preaches techniques for fidelity for couples. Mark’s message includes tips for wives to help keep their man satisfied.

For women’s behavior is as much part of our culture-wide problem of unhealthy relationships. I’ve said it before, but let me reiterate: How can we blame our husbands for getting wet on their way home from work, when IT’S RAINING WHORES? The shameless Tiger mistresses who have sought their fifteen minutes by kissing and telling on national television need a serious reality check. Or they need to become mothers so they can sympathize with Elin. Both women and men need to get some control on their sexual energy when families are at stake.

Finally, I want to close by applauding the unsung heros in our culture. Men and women who have been making the sacrifices associated with long-term monogamy because it is the right thing to do — for your partner and for your children. We will all be beneficiaries of your dedication when your kids don’t end up on the public coffers or spreading HIV to us. Thanks for making a commitment to love and family.

As for Tiger, he summed it all up with Elin’s admonishment to him: “The real apology will not come in words. It will come in behavior.” We’re watching, Tiger. You’re off to a good start toward healing. And to some of my ex-lotharios: I’m waiting by the phone.

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Posted in Celebrity Relationships, Relationship Tools, Sexuality | 14 Comments »

Do You Know How to Fight Fair?

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

couple-arguingWhen couples tell me they have emotional intimacy I often ask them about their fighting style. If they tell me they don’t ever fight I am quite assured that they don’t have true intimacy. When two separate people join together for common life goals, clashes are inevitable. But conflict alone is not an indicator of a relationship’s health. The better barometer is the nature of repair. How do couples make up after a fight? With apologies, contrition, consoling and even laughter? Or is the aftermath of anger marked by silence, distance and a new rule to never speak about the subject of the fight?

Learning how to have healthy conflict is crucial to having emotional intimacy. But what exactly is healthy conflict?

Well, for starters, fighting fair means using words that identify your feelings rather than blame and point fingers. Easier said than done. Even though psychotherapists stress that we should focus on our feelings rather than level accusations, even the most educated of us resort to blaming sentences that begin with the word “YOU!” That alone doesn’t indicate a “bad fight” unless it is also followed by vicious name calling. Name calling is a bad sign. It indicates that one partner has temporarily forgotten the other’s identity and has substituted it by a skewed stereotype. It’s hard to drop those evil caricatures once our minds have created them. If you see him as a loser and tell him over and over, you are also rewiring your brain to believe this is true. One other thing to consider is the amount of voice time alloted each arguer. If the yelling is terribly lop-sided and one partner gets more air time, then something else is going on. Either intimidation by the loud mouth, or an emotional retreat by the other. Both things are not fighting fair.

As injurious as a fight can be, the biggest determinant of whether it is a “good fight” is the way repair is made afterward. There are many unique ways that couples come back into relationship after a fight. Notes left by the morning coffee pot, flowers at the office, and my favorite — off-the-charts make-up sex. But the important thing to remember is that love and respect can return.

Dangerous aftermaths include icy treatment for days on end. Little jabs thrown into unrelated conversations. Passive aggressive, retaliatory behavior. And worst of all, a fight that morphs into other fights that get flooded with material from old injuries. “Remember the time you…..”

The best way to learn to have “good fights” is to establish ground rules before any fighting begins. Men love rules of the game. It reminds them of sports and makes fighting a healthy challenge rather than a confusing battle with a scary, invisible opponent. Some ground rules might include, no name calling, no stonewalling, no fighting in front of the kids, no going to bed mad, and most importantly, scheduled make-up time the next day. It is also important to understand that each person has their own fighting style that must be respected. A man who walks out the door for brisk walk during an argument may not be rejecting you, he may be protecting you from a shift from words to action. Some people need a time-out to regroup and think during a fight. The time to talk about fighting styles, of course, is when you are not fighting.

Studies on couples conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner’s schools. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all, is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a Saturday Night Live skit or a prime-time sit-com. Now look how silly you sound!

The most important ingredient during an conflict is the knowledge that love can return and that spirited negotiation is all part of building intimacy. When I once commented to my favorite bickering couple that I notice that there is love behind their arguments, the husband winked at me and said, “Not love. Sport.” Even in conflict there can be a bond and a secret agreement to respect each other.

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Posted in Domestic Violence, Love, Marriage, Relationship Tools | No Comments »

Do You Know How To Fight Fair?

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

couple-arguingWhen couples tell me they have emotional intimacy I often ask them about their fighting style. If they tell me they don’t ever fight I am quite assured that they don’t have true intimacy. When two separate people join together for common life goals, clashes are inevitable. But conflict alone is not an indicator of a relationship’s health. The better barometer is the nature of repair. How do couples make up after a fight? With apologies, contrition, consoling and even laughter? Or is the aftermath of anger marked by silence, distance and a new rule to never speak about the subject of the fight?

Learning how to have healthy conflict is crucial to having emotional intimacy. But what exactly is healthy conflict?

Well, for starters, fighting fair means using words that identify your feelings rather than blame and point fingers. Easier said than done. Even though psychotherapists stress that we should focus on our feelings rather than level accusations, even the most educated of us resort to blaming sentences that begin with the word “YOU!” That alone doesn’t indicate a “bad fight” unless it is also followed by vicious name calling. Name calling is a bad sign. It indicates that one partner has temporarily forgotten the other’s identity and has substituted it by a skewed stereotype. It’s hard to drop those evil caricatures once our minds have created them. If you see him as a loser and tell him over and over, you are also rewiring your brain to believe this is true. One other thing to consider is the amount of voice time alloted each arguer. If the yelling is terribly lop-sided and one partner gets more air time, then something else is going on. Either intimidation by the loud mouth, or an emotional retreat by the other. Both things are not fighting fair.

As injurious as a fight can be, the biggest determinant of whether it is a “good fight” is the way repair is made afterward. There are many unique ways that couples come back into relationship after a fight. Notes left by the morning coffee pot, flowers at the office, and my favorite — off-the-charts make-up sex. But the important thing to remember is that love and respect can return.

Dangerous aftermaths include icy treatment for days on end. Little jabs thrown into unrelated conversations. Passive aggressive, retaliatory behavior. And worst of all, a fight that morphs into other fights that get flooded with material from old injuries. “Remember the time you…..”

The best way to learn to have “good fights” is to establish ground rules before any fighting begins. Men love rules of the game. It reminds them of sports and makes fighting a healthy challenge rather than a confusing battle with a scary, invisible opponent. Some ground rules might include, no name calling, no stonewalling, no fighting in front of the kids, no going to bed mad, and most importantly, scheduled make-up time the next day. It is also important to understand that each person has their own fighting style that must be respected. A man who walks out the door for brisk walk during an argument may not be rejecting you, he may be protecting you from a shift from words to action. Some people need a time-out to regroup and think during a fight. The time to talk about fighting styles, of course, is when you are not fighting.

Studies on couples conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner’s schools. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all, is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a Saturday Night Live skit or a prime-time sit-com. Now look how silly you sound!

The most important ingredient during an conflict is the knowledge that love can return and that spirited negotiation is all part of building intimacy. When I once commented to my favorite bickering couple that I notice that there is love behind their arguments, the husband winked at me and said, “Not love. Sport.” Even in conflict there can be a bond and a secret agreement to respect each other.

Posted in Domestic Violence, Marriage, Relationship Tools | No Comments »

Talk is Cheap but Feelings are Priceless – How to Use Emotional Communication

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

couple talking8-saidaonlineHaving emotional language skills is crucial to not only the relationships we have with others, but also the relationship we have with ourself. If we can’t name our feelings and share them, we are a long way off from being able to process them and use them in a healthful way. Having an honest emotional vocabulary is crucial to emotional intimacy, though this communication art is easier for some of us than others.

There’s a joke I make about men. I like to say that most of them act like they’re afraid to say the “F” word — FEELINGS. And  I’m not totally off base here. Men and boys are socialized to express less emotional communication and I think the are also biologically wired to have less emotional awareness than women. There’s even a diagnosis is the therapist’s bible of mental disorders, the DSM, called Alexithymia, which basically means an inability to connect feelings with words. In recent years a Harvard professor, Dr. Ron Levant came up with the phrase “normative male alexithymia” to describe how American males are culturally conditioned  to repress their vulnerable and caring emotions, causing them to become underdeveloped in emotional expressiveness.

But a fear of talking about feelings is an equal opportunity afliction. Since feminism gave way to the no-rules relationship revolution, an age where emotions are less and less risked, many women have followed the example of men. I would venture to say that women’s greatest assets — an awareness of emotions and verbal skills — have been abandoned by too many of our gender.

The solution? To delve into the the squeamish sea of honest communication that focusses on personal feelings rather than points fingers at others.  One of the reasons this is a challenge for some is that this important skill was neither taught nor modeled by our parents. Parents of the 1960’s more often practiced critical parenting rather than emotionally intimate parenting. Critical parenting sounds like this: Johnny you are a messy boy! Look at that disgusting room. No TV for you, bad boy! Emotionally Intimate parenting sounds like this: Johnny, I feel angry when I have to clean up your mess and I want you to feel proud of your room, so I’m going to help you become neater by saying a clean room means a reward of TV. See the focus on feelings, in this case anger and pride, with a positive reward instead of shame as the behavior shaper.

So, assuming that you were parented in the more common, critical way, here’s a crash course in how to use emotional language to grow intimacy in all your relationships. First of all, in every communication, try to identify your own feelings and express them as a reaction to someone’s behavior rather than an assault on their behavior. People get less defensive when they hear the words, “I feel” than when they hear “You are.”

Having trouble labeling that uneasy feeling in your stomach? Here’s Dr. Walsh’s handy dictionary of the most common feelings people express. I like to call them the twenty power words of emotional intimacy. Next time you tell a story to someone, add your emotional experience by saying “I feel,” followed by one of these words: Nervous, Happy, Sad, Angry, Disappointed, Hopeful, Ignored, Embarrassed, Envious, Jealous, Lonely, Excited, Surprised, Proud, Scared, Guilty, Aroused, Uncomfortable, Rejected, Loved.

This kind of language will open the door to the most tender parts of your psyche and help you become more accessible and ultimately more lovable. It will also model skills for others, including your kids. Yes, even your sons. Using emotional language is a bit terrifying at first, but trust me, it can enrich all your relationships. “I feel” quite confident about this.

Posted in Relationship Tools | No Comments »

This is Your Year to Make Change!

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

success-new-yearOn January 2, 2010, millions of Americans will begin their New Year’s Resolutions. In the weeks of January, health club membership sales will soar and the sale of “sin foods,” like chocolate, alcohol, will decline. Yet despite all these great intentions, most people will fail at their resolutions. By February of 2010, most New Years Resolutions will have been abandoned. But not all! Some people will truly succeed in making lifestyle changes. Resolutions are easier for some people because they have a biological predisposition to tolerate change. Some people are born to love change, adapt quickly, and seek new experiences while others are genetically predisposed to stick with a routine and follow the way it’s always been done. But psychologists have studied behavioral change and have come up with a few factors that increase your chances for success.

Seven Factors that Help a Resolution Work :

1. A Desire to Change  – Change must come from inside yourself and you must be in a state of readiness. It does no good if it comes from pressure by your spouse or best friend.

2. An Ability of Change – You must have the tools and skills. i.e. If you can’t read, no amount of desire will help you open the book you’ve been meaning to read. So, prepare yourself for your New Years resolution by acquiring the skills you need to succeed.

3. A Supportive Environment – Do other people want you to change? If you are going to run up against friction from your loved one, in addition to your own internal nay-saying voices, you reduce your chances of succeeding. Move away from non-supportive people. It’s part of every drug and alcohol rehab program — don’t hang out with druggies and bartenders. And if you want to lose weight or save money, forgo outing with spenders and eaters. It’s that simple.

4. Confidence – Studies on change show that those who truly believe they can change, do. Doubters will more likely fail. Believing you can change encourages commitment to the process and enhances the likelihood of success.

5. Instant feedback – We’ve all heard that small, incremental changes are best because they feel less painful and inconvenient but sometimes BIG changes work better because the immediate environmental feedback is so positive. A sudden weight-loss, for instance, brings compliments and better fitting clothes. Those rewards inspire people to continue changing. If you want to kick-off a savings program, start with a big deposit. A hefty nestegg will inspire you to sit on it.

6. A Time Commitment – Habits take time to form. New behaviors must be repeated over and over before they can become habits. Remember to give yourself small rewards instead of a pass or fail grade.

7. Frequent Rewards – Reward behaviors, not results. If you stayed on a 1500 calorie-a-day diet all week and have promised yourself one desert on Friday night, give yourself the reward even if you haven’t lost the three pounds you intended to lose.

Finally, if you “fall off the wagon” look at this as an important part of change, not a permanent set back. Nobody gets it right the first time. It is important to get back to your positive behaviors and not beat yourself up. Feeling like a failure will create one. Feeling like a champion will help you win.

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Posted in Relationship Tools | 1 Comment »

Loving Your Lover’s Imperfections

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

93 WTF CoupleWe all know the adage: Nobody’s perfect. We all have flaws. Many of them we would like to change. But a few of them are here to stay and all we can hope is that the people who love us will accept this.

I would venture to say that the only time a human being seems to be completely void of flaws is when they are caught in the snare of romantic love. The chemicals associated with sexual attraction cloud our vision and the object of our desire, for a brief few weeks or months, is a perfect partner. But this is one of nature’s tricks to get us attached. Then, as sexual attraction and romantic love give birth to the workhorse of intimacy, companionship, suddenly our partner is not so perfect anymore. Certain flaws crop up in unmistakable focus — our partner is not perfect. He snores, he watches too much sports, or he spends money is a weird way.

The same phenomenon happens with the love for our children, when that perfect newborn with the intoxicating aroma and the peach-fuzz head, starts to morph into a wild child, or a nose picker, or a sloppy kid, or a loud-mouth, or a painfully shy introvert. Granted, part of our job with kids is to help mold them out of bad character traits and get them world ready by the age of eighteen but, as every mother knows, you have to choose your battles and battling a genetic predisposition is often a no-win situation.

Learning to accept the flaws of our loved ones is an important piece in building emotional intimacy. Remember, emotional intimacy is the glue that makes relationships secure — that keeps attachments steady when the world is rocking out of control. And, if you are harboring secret resentments toward your family members’ most personal habits, you will unknowingly cause a leak in your ship. Because even if we think we are concealing our opinions, those pesky prejudices sneak out when we are busy talking and living and loving. The unconscious knows all. And your family members know on some deep level that you don’t truly accept them. That your relationship might be threatened by, say, an outsider who breezes through life without the baggage of your husband. (He’ll have other baggage, of course, but you will be blind to it at the beginning.) And this kind of insecurity is toxic to attachments.

Funny think about our judgements, they are often pieces of ourselves pointed outward. Psychologist’s call it Carl Jung’s “Shadow.” When dark parts of our personalities are too uncomfortable to tolerate, we scan the environment and point fingers at the very thing we are. If you are skeptical about this concept, start to pay attention to the sources of critical gossip. The next time you hear a wagging tongue and see a pointing finger, study the source well. You’ll be surprised and enlightened.

So, to begin a process of learning to tolerate the flaws in your loved ones, write them down. Once the list is complete, place your name at the top of the list. Look at this list and think long and hard about what your wily brain is keeping from your awareness. Tell yourself that you love yourself, all of yourself, even the flawed parts. Then do the same for your family.

Look at their flaws again and this time, flip the trait upside down. Turn the trait into a positive. Whether you believe that the flaw belongs to your family member or to you, find a way to reframe it as a positive. This is the classic glass-half-full philosophy and you’ll need it in your long term committments. Look at these typical household grips:

Flaw: Husband snoring

Positive Reframe: The sweet sound of a husband who is home in bed every night, not fighting in a war or being unfaithful

Flaw: A Stubborn Kid

Positive Reframe: A child who owns her word “No” and will be fortified to stay up to negative peer pressure.

Flaw: A husband who won’t do housework

Positive Reframe: A man who works hard outside and brings home a steady paycheck. A masculine man who is far from being a metrosexual.

Flaw: Addiction to computer

Positive Reframe: A homebody who likes to be near

The list can go on and on. but you get the picture. Now, having said everything I’ve said about flaw acceptance, there can be certain flaws that are so damaging to families that acceptance is not an option. Substance abuse, domestic violence, depression and critical parenting are all systems that must be healed for the family to be healthy. But don’t sweat the small stuff. Long term love is not for the squeamish. It’s for the tough minded and the compassionate.

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