Dating. Mating. Relating.

Watching Joran Van der Sloot’s mother on Good Morning America today I was struck by both her openness and her avoidance. She apologized to the family of Stephanie Flores and expressed sadness about that family’s loss, yet she also demonstrated a kind of flat emotion common to people suffering from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD.) No doubt the woman has been subjected to some serious traumatic stress – her husband died suddenly in February and four months later, her eldest son is arrested and confesses to murder in Peru. Not a good year for any mother.

One of the most common reactions to acute emotional pain is a kind of shutting down of emotional processes. It’s nature’s way of protecting the brain from deep psychic pain that could lead to dangerous behavior. And this phenomenon is evident here.When Joran’s mother was asked about how she felt when she first heard the news that a dead woman was found in her son’s hotel room, her response was classic:

“I was complete shut. Numb. No feelings. Numb.”

Most illustrative of her need to avoid more pain right now was her admission that she will not visit her son in prison:

“I’m not going to visit Joran in Peru. I don’t have any feeling that it can add up to anything. I want to keep distance. I think it will bring emotions up that I’m not ready for. I’m not a police officer. I’m a mom.”

Then she goes on to imply that her son is suffering from a mental illness and suggests it is bi-polar disorder. While critiques may imply that she is helping to set up a legal defense based on insanity, I see a mother who is at wits end. It makes me think about other mothers who have been unable to get mental health services for their children, either because of cost or because the children are over eighteen and can decline help.

Here is America, we place so much emphasis on individual rights and freedoms that we do not forcibly hospitalize or medicate anyone unless they are an immediate threat to themselves or someone else. The problem with this liberal and well intended law is that many mentally ill people do not have the capacity to make these decisions for themselves. The mothers of mentally ill young adults often watch in horror as the child whom they have loved and nurtured for eighteen years becomes lost on the streets as homeless person because they refuse medication. Joran Van der Sloot had the financial where-with-all to get lost on the streets of the world and let his mental illness run the show. My heart grieves for this mother. She’s dealing with two losses in four months, and the public shame that comes from those who make motherhood a pathology.

“I hate him!”
Kids can’t stand your boyfriend? Relationship expert Dr. Wendy Walsh suggests some simple ground rules to keep everyone happy
So, you’ve finally found Mr. Right. He’s romantic, respectful, and even remembers to put the seat down—but there’s one problem. Your children call him Mr. Noway-
no-how. If your little angels are suddenly acting like little devils around your new
man, the first step is to find out why. Could he really be as awful as they say? Listen to your child; you might be surprised by a kid’s perspective. Once, when I pressed my 5-year-old daughter on why she didn’t like my new boyfriend, she very seriously declared that his chin was too big. She was right. This very tall man had never gone
down to her level for her to even see that he had a pleasing face above his imposing jaw line. Luckily that was an easy fix. I simply asked him to sit down more and engage my little one at her eye level. And he did.
One thing to carefully consider is when to introduce your man to the family. I say wait as long as you can. Make sure your new relationship is solid before you bring him near your kids, which can be very stressful for young hearts. And above all, as convenient as it may be, don’t try to fool your kids by having play dates with your boyfriend and his children. They’re not stupid and they know what’s up. Your dates should take place on their own turf. Sni! out the playboys early and eject them from your life immediately. Of course, if your goal is just a little fun, then by all means go for it, but don’t let your kids witnesses any part of this relationship, at all—ever. The sneaky version of this is the playboy who poses as boyfriend material and then vaporizes right after you’ve introduced him to your kids. This can feel like heartbreak all around, so protect your family and put your man through the test of time before exposing your little angels.
I’ve found that there are two main reasons that kids dislike their parents’ dates. First, accepting a total stranger means letting go of the fantasy that mom and dad will reunite. Many kids of divorced parents hold onto this reunion fantasy for decades. The solution here is to talk it out. Bring it up—because they likely won’t ever. Remind them that they will always have two parents who love them, no matter what changes happen in the family. Also, it’s important to know that kids are probably less jealous of your boyfriend and more jealous of your time. Ladies, no matter how much your hormones are spinning for your new guy, don’t forget to make special dates with each child. This will reassure them that mommy is always available. Remember, our kids are our life’s biggest love and sometimes they need to be reminded of that.

In light of yesterday’s tragic and horrific shooting at a base in Fort Hood, Texas — at the hand of a military Psychiatrist — mental dis-ease among our troops is a more timely topic than ever. One army chaplain sheds light on combat stress and mental health.

Carlos Ruiz is an army chaplain. He is a youthful forty-year-old whose pumped and imposing physique belies many hours worshiping at the alter we call “the gym.” Before he became a Pentecostal chaplain, he served as a traditional army soldier for eighteen years, and he saw first-hand the horrors of war. I met Carlos yesterday at Miami International Airport when he approached my friend, actor Joey Pantoliano (The Sopranos, Memento) to thank Joey for coming to Iraq on behalf of “No Kidding! Me 2,” an organization founded by Joey to erase the stigma against mental dis-ease and get the world talking about feelings. Joey, who recovered from clinical depression, spouts horrifying statistics about the urgent need for better mental health care for our troops — according to Pantoliano, six suicides occur a day over seas, and 18 a day upon return home. More American service personnel are dying from their own bullet than from enemy fire!

Ruiz has just returned from a one-year tour in Iraq himself, and administered to the spiritual and emotional needs of more than 1100 soldiers. I asked him what was the most common problem presented by our countries bravest. This man did not know who I was. He did not know what I talk about everyday. Yet to a perfect stranger, Captain Carlos Ruiz, army chaplain, did not hesitate as he blurted out the word “relationships.”

I asked him to repeat it as I wasn’t sure I had heard correctly. I mean, these courageous young men and women were witnessing their compadres heads blown off and they seek help for the head trip that their lover back home was putting them through? But indeed it is true. Because, according to this front-line chaplain, relationships provide the emotional support that gets our fighters through the horrors of war. And if relationships are failing, there’s not much else to live for.

And, according to Ruiz, technology isn’t helping. Instant text and emails, sent impulsively, void of emotional content are not providing the real emotional fuel that eases minds and fortifies resolve to get the job done and return home. In wars gone by, when war brides waited and worried, and communication was infrequent, one letter loaded with supportive and loving words sustained a soldier for months. Today, there is an additional pressure to maintain life back at home while preserving life in a war zone. Stateside wives, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends are cutting off relationships at an astonishing rate and doing it via cold bits of digital data, without regard for the power of their act.

The incidence of suicide has gotten so bad, recounts Ruiz, that at a one American base an exasperated commanding officer called all troops into formation to issue an imperative final order, “You may not kill yourselves. And that’s an order!” He didn’t know what else to do.

So I asked the sage chaplain what he prescribes, how he treats this epidemic of relationship distress. He says he tells them to share their feelings more. To explain to their loved ones, within the military limitations of communication, how they are suffering. To bravely ask for help and support instead of pressure from back home. Soldiers who are trained to appear brave often forget to open up in their most intimate relationships. Many are afraid to unduly worry their loved ones, so emails, text, and Facebook postings, log a mondain list of statuses that includes weather reports, food ratings, and recreational army activity. They aren’t sharing their hopes, fears, and traumas for fear that people back home will retreat. So, what’s designed to keep relationships “happy” backfires. Partners back home think that these unnaturally pleasant reports indicate that a soldier’s mistress is the war itself — that the happy soldier does not even want to return to the relationship.

Ruiz learned this lesson himself when he was a young soldier and watched his own marriage crumble while he was in the army. “My previous marriage ended because of absence of communication, among other things that soldiers face today too, like immaturity and a lack of relationship and effective communication training or experience, while trying to perform their warrior duties.”

As a seasoned fighter, Ruiz became a pastor so that he could help young soldiers and ultimately reduce the disturbing suicide rates among the ranks.

The Caribbean is a sober snapshot of the world as a place of plenty and poverty. It’s a clear picture here because the two extremes rub shoulders at opulent resorts. There is much meta-communication in the rehersed sing-song “Good Morning!” of staff in the corridors. Just the sheer numbers of young, bright people employed by tourism (often far more staff than guests) makes me suspect a low hourly wage.

I’m in Jamaica as a Television Host, the guest of Marjoe Gortner, former child evangelist turned adult event-planner extraordinaire. Marjoe is an alchemist who is equal parts showman and philanthropist and his Celebrity Sports Invitationals draw an eclectic crowd of celebrities, capitalists, and activists where money is raised for one good cause after another. This event will benefit Robert Kennedy’s Waterkeeper Alliance, an ecological group that provides support to small community leaders who protect American waterways by standing up to polluting corporations.

But the backdrop of Jamaica and a growing global awareness of disparity in so many places weighs like a heavy fog in this glorious sunshine. Hunkered under this fog the goodwill and compassion at this event is creating many positive relationships. Last night, I bonded with Geneive Brown, the Jamaica Consul General in New York. Our two spirits united and while we sipped red-wine and munched gourmet food, we hatched a plan to fill empty hotel rooms in Jamaica with compassionate travelers who will work as teachers and drivers to get more kids to school. Although the Jamaican government offers public education, many children still grow up illiterate because of silly barriers — lack of transportation, no lunch money, and no money for uniforms.

Then this morning at breakfast, Joey Pantoliano (The Sopranos, Memento) asked me to join his board of “No Kidding. Me 2” the charity he created with his lovely wife Nancy and Academy Award Winner, Marcia Gay Harden to stop discrimination against the mentally ill. The statistics that he spouted about the suicide rate of our soldiers serving in Iraq was startling. His campaign to get every American kid in touch with their feelings and away from the dangers of “self-medication” is as noble a cause as any I’ve ever heard of.

And at the same breakfast table, the Waterkeeper Alliance’s Nancy (Oh gosh, what was that vibrant woman’s last name?!) summed up the nature of compassion when she described the various water keepers whom her foundation supports. “Some are scientists, some are lawyers, and many, many are outraged housewives. Never doubt the power of an angry mother.”

It is truly a new age. The gift of the new economy (read: new found time,) global commerce and instant internet communication is that everyone can be effective in some way. Everyone can find a way to leave the world just a little bit better than they found it. When I enjoy our beautiful beaches back home in California, I have a hard and fast rule that my kids adhere to. We not only take away every piece of litter that we create, but we also each find one extra piece to take to the trash. Can’t we also do that with our consumerism and our tourism? We can make the world one tiny bit better with everything we do.

It’s certainly happening here in Jamaica this week.. Can’t wait to see what ingenious idea sprouts at dinner tonight!

When I was a kid, there were two kinds of families in my neighborhood, the fun, welcoming, kind who never knew how many people were going to be at the dinner table, and the private kind who rarely invited friends over and bit their tongues when asked personal questions. I considered my own family to be on the former ilk. Back then, I thought this could only be good. At various times in my development, the motley crew at our 5:30 dinner table might include a pregnant teenager on billet from our church, some cousin’s college aged kid who was doing a semester at our house, and an assortment of peer friends. And there were few secrets in that dinner table conversation. All states of the human condition were ripe material for conversational comedy.

Today, family therapists look at a family’s tendency to be more closed or more open as a way to determine how healthy it is for the children in the nest. While there is a huge range of communication styles within a family and styles of inter-relating with the community, a couple of extremes can indicate a family dysfunction. One is too private and the other is too open to outside influences.

When you think about too private, think of the heart wrenching family structure of Philip Gerrido as the extreme example. His crazy ideas and violent behavior ruled the nest that included a kid-napped and raped “wife.” The family had little input from outside relationships, not even at school because the children were home schooled. This is a rare, extreme example of a closed family system. Another, less obvious, closed family system might be a family who follows a religion that is not represented in the community. Because some of the community’s lifestyle choices might be at odds with their religious beliefs, this family tends to limit social contact and exposure to media. Finally, an even more subtle example might be a family who is just very private. They send overt or silent messages to the children that family matters are not to be discussed outside of the home. They also are reluctant to have too many guests in their home.

There’s another extreme. That’s the family with so many people and ideas filtering through the front door that the family has no compass at all. These families often lack a family code, a set of values to return to when the winds of peer pressure blow too strong. Too many ideas and too much information, when not tempered with sound social structure and family emotional guidance, can make children feel frightened, and also leave them confused when they begin to build their own identity as a young adult.

The key is to find the right balance of open and closed. Having a tight-knit family structure that provides privacy and protection from influences that do not underscore family values is not necessarily dangerous for kids. But having a family system that prohibits exploration of alternative thought and choices, leaves a child unprepared when she/he eventually leaves the nest. Teaching children family values is crucial to their development. I call it, “Instilling The Hopi Way.” But preventing a child from interacting, exploring, and questioning the big, wide, world of ideas outside the front door, handicaps them when they begin the process of becoming individuals.