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Can Your Online Friends Hurt Your Image?

Friday, January 29th, 2010

Another creepy way that social media is being used — credit card companies and other financial institutions are experimenting with algorithms that profile your online friends. Based on the theory that our character is a reflection of the company we keep, if they do succeed and institute the computer application, what will they really find out? That some of our friends swear, get photographed drunk at parties, or sadly, have a puny social network? And what might that say about our financial stability?

Up until recently, the biggest factor that swayed credit card companies’ opinions about our honesty and timeliness was our credit rating. One’s credit rating is based on the adage if you aim to predict someone’s future behavior, look at their past behavior. Smart, responsible people who haven’t bitten off more than they can chew and who make payments on time will probably continue to behave that way. But that was in the old economy.

In the new economy, with joblessness rates still soaring and the number of real estate foreclosures continuing to mount, a rolling snowball of good people now have bad credit — through no fault of their own. And when the economy’s wheels begin to get greased again and the train is up and running, there will be a huge population of viable consumers with unattractive credit ratings. So how do money lenders separate the losers-by-nature from the losers-by-default?

Easy. They connect the social networking dots using psychology. Here’s one example: A study out of the University of Utah called, “Personality and the Formation of Social Networks” found that extroverted people have larger online social networks and people with an “openness new experience,” have more negative ties with online friends than those who are considered “conscientiousness.” Hold that thought for a minute and draw a line between those findings and a Taiwanese study that showed that personality traits–openness to experience, and conscientiousness–can lead individuals to develop a passion for online shopping activities.

Huh? A compulsion to shop is related to a person who is “open to experience,” which is related to a large social network? These are the kinds of clues that computer researchers are looking to integrate into the detective algorithms. That and the information from the content you post yourself, from Political views, to religion, to mommy-news. Yikes! Would too many “mommy postings” signal to a computer that you aren’t working enough?

And lest you think that you can fool the world by creating an electronic foot print that is an inflated version of yourself, think again. A recent study out of the University of Texas reports that that online social networking profiles convey accurate images of the profile owners, either because people aren’t trying to look good or because they are trying and failing to pull it off.

Bottom line. Our psychology plays out online much the way it does in the real world with both friend selection and behavior.

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The Twilight Syndrome? Why Women Read Violent Books.

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

twilight1In the middle of a divorce battle, Sheila Bellush, a mother of quadruplets, confided to her sister that if anything were to ever happen to her, she should look up true crime author Ann Rule to tell her story. Sure enough, soon after, Sheila was shot and killed by a man hired by her husband. Rule’s book about the crime, Every Breath You Take, has sold over a million copies and 86% of its reviews on Amazon.com are written by women readers.

This anecdote is used in a new study that reveals why books that evoke fear are popular with women. People might assume that men, being the more aggressive sex, would be most likely to find such gory topics interesting. But the reverse is true. The researchers found that what makes books about graphic crime appealing to women is a survival instinct — a desire to to learn about crime in order to prevent becoming a victim. The study, “Captured by True Crime: Why Women are Drawn to Tales of Rape, Murder, and Serial Killers” is published in Social, Psychological and Personality Science, and makes a connection with women’s fascination with crime and their internal fear. Despite the fact that women are statistically less likely than men to become a victim of a violent crime (with the exception of rape) they perceive themselves to be in more danger. Some researchers blame the media, that tends to award more coverage to violent crimes against women than those with male victims.

The problem with the practice of reading about crime, according to the researchers, is that it can become a vicious cycle. Women feel fear and read about crime in order to be better informed about ways to prevent or survive a crime, but they also become unknowingly exposed to more dangers! They meet more murderers, more unusual ways to bite the bullet, and their fear-actor goes up. Thus, the books become a fear-based cycle for women who are buying them to decrease their fears.

All this got me thinking about the obsession my daughter and her friends have with the Twilight series of books and movies. With Vampires around every corner, there is no shortage of danger and blood flow in those pages. And clearly there is much confusion for heroin Bella as to which man-boy-vampire can be trusted. I wonder if the principles that the researchers discovered about true crime novels also apply to this kind of romantic thriller.

In today’s times, love has become a dangerous game for teen girls. While most of the sexual mores — like the double standard — have been removed, women are still more at risk for pregnancy, an STD, or a broken heart. (Women’s oxytocin release during orgasm helps create a bond.) Could the Twilight vampires, a metaphor for dangerous love, be one way that young girls are trying to make sense of all this?

And if the researchers speculations are true, might this also become a vicious cycle? More stories about dangerous love means more exposure to ways that women can be hurt by men. Besides the Twilight series, there are enough literary clones to warrant a large display table at my local Barnes & Noble called “Dark Love.” Is this what are daughters fear today? Dark love?

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How Helping Others Improves Health

Monday, January 18th, 2010

Haiti-Red-Cross-Volunteer-001If nothing else, we humans are empathetic animals. Watching the news footage of the tragedies in Haiti or of those unemployed and struggling families in recession-torn America can bring great feelings of sadness, even when the suffering is thousands of miles away. The good news is that when those feelings turn into action — altruism — one can have long term improvements in mental health.

Called the “Ebenezer Scrooge effect,” after the selfish and miserable Dickens’ character whose mood improved through helping others, the link between giving and happiness has always fascinated social scientists. Numerous studies have demonstrated that people experience health benefits when treated kindly and compassionately, and now research shows that givers of care can get an even bigger boost. The textbook on the subject, Altruism and Health, edited by Stephen Post is an excellent survey of research on the connection between altruism and mental and physical health from the realms of  biology, psychiatry, psychology, gerontology, epidemiology, and public health. The good news is that much of this research shows that unselfish individuals find life more meaningful, are happier than selfish people, and will often experience better mental health. Some of this research even goes so far as to suggest that unselfish individuals live longer and and have better physical health. There is, of course, one big exception: people who become overwhelmed by caregiving when they extend themselves too far will often suffer from the stressful burden of care. So, knowing one’s limits is crucial to giving.

One particular study of church goers shows that people who offer love, caring, and support to others have better mental health than those who only receive help. The study out of the University of Massachusetts, found that the very act of giving to others gets people outside of themselves and reduces their own anxiety and depression. In the study 2000 people answered questionaires that asked about the kind, quality and amount of loving care that people extended to others. In a second survey the same group were them given a test that looked at their mental health in general. The findings showed that receiving help wasn’t as powerful mood lifter as giving help, which is linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety.

I have one personal example of how caring about another can reduce anxiety. Last year I was giving blood at UCLA’s emergency trauma center. I had never donated blood before and had tremendous anxiety about it. Thankfully, an empathetic nurse gave me unusual attention. But receiving her gift of care didn’t not help me as much as something else that happened during the procedure. I noticed a young woman standing near us who had just given blood. She was swaying as if about to faint. I quickly directed the nurse to leave me and attend to her and in doing so, I felt my own anxiety disappearing. My entire attention was focussed on the girl, who vomited in a trash can before she was laid down, and while I barked directions (I’m like that) and inquired about her well being, I totally forgot that my own body was pumping out a pint of red stuff.

Now the question remains: Who are the giving people? Scientists are attempting to study the “altruistic personality” — what biological and environmental conditions shape people to become the givers in our culture. The fruit of all of this work is the reunion of ethics, religion, and science as they find common ground in “moral psychology” and encourage us to be kind as a route to mental and physical health.

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Haiti: Terror Will Be Passed Down

Friday, January 15th, 2010

HAITI-GIRL_1558332cIn the months ahead, after the physical wounds in Haiti are attended to, tremors will be felt throughout the culture as widespread psychological injuries remain.

First there will be the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder than can last for months. Those fortune enough to have survived the massive earthquake may experience thoughts, dreams, and hallucinations that intrusively recall the horror of the events. Others will exhibit a kind of numbness, an inability to enjoy life and connect with others, a pattern designed to avoid thoughts that might trigger memories of the event. Now imagine those symptoms as dominant operational behaviors for an entire culture. PTSD may very well become a dysfunctional way-of-life when daily life picks up again — a shadow that will lurk behind every school teacher’s lesson, every shoppers decision, every family dinner table.

But as dismal as that may sound — and children may be greatly affected the worse by PTSD — far more heart wrenching will be the survivor’s syndrome. First identified as “survivor’s guilt” among Holocaust survivors, today the syndrome is known to affect anyone who has survived a massive catastrophic event, and is even common among emergency room personnel. It can involve anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, and emotional numbness, a loss of drive.

The insidious thing about survivor’s syndrome is it’s subtle ability to impact a family for generations. Through silent messages, glances, back turns, and distorted warnings about danger, parents and grandparents with survivors’ syndrome can unknowingly instill the idea that pleasure cannot come without pain, that pain should be expected in life, or that pleasure is not worth risking at all.

Psychological injuries will be a grim reality of future daily life in Haiti. And at this time, mental health workers are as vital to survival as the triage units on the ground today.

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This is Your Year to Make Change!

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

success-new-yearOn January 2, 2010, millions of Americans will begin their New Year’s Resolutions. In the weeks of January, health club membership sales will soar and the sale of “sin foods,” like chocolate, alcohol, will decline. Yet despite all these great intentions, most people will fail at their resolutions. By February of 2010, most New Years Resolutions will have been abandoned. But not all! Some people will truly succeed in making lifestyle changes. Resolutions are easier for some people because they have a biological predisposition to tolerate change. Some people are born to love change, adapt quickly, and seek new experiences while others are genetically predisposed to stick with a routine and follow the way it’s always been done. But psychologists have studied behavioral change and have come up with a few factors that increase your chances for success.

Seven Factors that Help a Resolution Work :

1. A Desire to Change  – Change must come from inside yourself and you must be in a state of readiness. It does no good if it comes from pressure by your spouse or best friend.

2. An Ability of Change – You must have the tools and skills. i.e. If you can’t read, no amount of desire will help you open the book you’ve been meaning to read. So, prepare yourself for your New Years resolution by acquiring the skills you need to succeed.

3. A Supportive Environment – Do other people want you to change? If you are going to run up against friction from your loved one, in addition to your own internal nay-saying voices, you reduce your chances of succeeding. Move away from non-supportive people. It’s part of every drug and alcohol rehab program — don’t hang out with druggies and bartenders. And if you want to lose weight or save money, forgo outing with spenders and eaters. It’s that simple.

4. Confidence – Studies on change show that those who truly believe they can change, do. Doubters will more likely fail. Believing you can change encourages commitment to the process and enhances the likelihood of success.

5. Instant feedback – We’ve all heard that small, incremental changes are best because they feel less painful and inconvenient but sometimes BIG changes work better because the immediate environmental feedback is so positive. A sudden weight-loss, for instance, brings compliments and better fitting clothes. Those rewards inspire people to continue changing. If you want to kick-off a savings program, start with a big deposit. A hefty nestegg will inspire you to sit on it.

6. A Time Commitment – Habits take time to form. New behaviors must be repeated over and over before they can become habits. Remember to give yourself small rewards instead of a pass or fail grade.

7. Frequent Rewards – Reward behaviors, not results. If you stayed on a 1500 calorie-a-day diet all week and have promised yourself one desert on Friday night, give yourself the reward even if you haven’t lost the three pounds you intended to lose.

Finally, if you “fall off the wagon” look at this as an important part of change, not a permanent set back. Nobody gets it right the first time. It is important to get back to your positive behaviors and not beat yourself up. Feeling like a failure will create one. Feeling like a champion will help you win.

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Why Shame Looks Good on You.

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

This is the second of a series of blogs on the hot skills to create Emotional Intimacy — the way to make relationships more secure.

images-8Shame. It’s got to be one of the most unpleasant feelings in the human psyche. We do everything to avoid it. Most of our cherished psychological defenses — repression, denial, rationalization, and even humor — are designed to defend ourselves from feelings of shame. Simply put, shame is that uncomfortable mixture of guilt and embarrassment basted with a little self-loathing. It can make even the most omnipotent of us squeamish. But learning to be tolerant of your own shame is crucial to building emotional intimacy with another person.

Here’s why: We are not truly lovable unless we are real. Authentic people are attractive because, believe it or not, only the most healthy, the most confident, can express shame, and still love themselves. And that’s hot. My favorite definition of emotional intimacy is being able to tolerate seeing the flaws in your loved ones, and just as importantly, still loving yourself knowing that your intimates can see your flaws.

Emotional intimacy is the way that couples build trust and loyalty. It’s the “I’ll have your back, if you have mine” philosophy. But it doesn’t happen spontaneously. It happens over time with small personal disclosures and toe-dips into the sea of authentic soul baring. On the road to making all your relationships more secure, here are a few tips for learning to tolerate shame:

1. Remember that some of the things you feel shame about are not real. Talking about them can help you relieve yourself of guilt. Everyone has a few beliefs that are distortions based on early life experiences. For example, here’s one of my secret pieces of shame: I think I am selfish. Despite the fact that I am single-handedly devoting my life to raising two other humans, have done a lifetime of charity work, and shove bills into the hands of most homeless people I see, I can’t shake it completely. This belief was created in a crazy way. When I was a small child and exhibited “primary narcissism” a survival strategy inherited by all children that manifests itself in words like, “Me first!” “Hey, where’s mine?” and “Hers is bigger, no fair!” my mother would parent with the angry admonishment of, “Stop being a selfish little girl.” How could I grow up with any other belief? But my point is, now that I have talked this out with lovers, close friends, and even my kids, I am somewhat released from my distortions.

2. Being shame tolerant is different from being “Shameless.” The key to disclosing personal information is choosing the right target. Test people with small disclosures about vulnerabilities and then see how they protect you. Learning to tolerate shame is different from not having personal boundaries. Not every relationship you have in the world will be an intimate one filled with trust. Choose your targets carefully.

3. Sometimes you have to model healthy shame in order for your partner (or children) to feel safe doing it themselves. If you’ve done something wrong or hurt someone, talk about it. Let others who are close to you see your mental process. Let hem see how you make restitution to the wronged person and let them see how you eventually forgive yourself. This is one of the best lessons kids can learn.

4. Finally, if another person practices authenticity with you, never shame them! So, if a child says, “Mommy, I feel bad because I cheated on a test,” don’t respond with ‘You should feel bad! That was wrong.”  I guarantee that a parent who responds to a shameful child with an added layer of shame, will get the door on emotional communication slammed shut. Instead, you might say something like, “That’s a hard feeling to have. I’m glad you shared it with me. Let’s find a way to fix this problem. I think we should go meet your teacher together.”

Shame tolerance is one of the most crucial skills needed to create true emotional intimacy and long lasting love. Try it in small doses. Model it for your kids. And know that feeling some shame is a sign of a healthy psyche. Tomorrow: Learning to accept your partner’s flaws.

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Compassion – The First Step to Intimacy

Monday, December 21st, 2009

Emotional Intimacy is the glue that will make all our relationships stronger. It is emotional intelligence in action. And it can be learned! (And taught to your kids). This, the first of five blogs on the subject, is your step-by-step guide to make your relationships more meaningful and more secure using the powers of emotional intimacy.

a-day-1-compassionSkill #1 is Compassion. Compassion is kind of like empathy — the ability to empathically sense the feelings of another — except it has one crucial distinction. Compassion includes action. The act of doing something positive in response to someone else’s feelings.

I will be so bold as to declare that compassion is the very essence of love. Compassion is the trait we showcase when we are attracting a partner and falling in love. Compassion is the magic dust we sprinkle on our fights to help us repair the damage. And compassion is the glue that keeps couples together when the going gets boring and the grass next door looks neon.

However, the capacity to have compassion is a little tricky to acquire if you were not parented with compassion yourself, if your parents projected their own desires onto you instead of respecting you as a unique person. The good news is that the beautiful human mind is plenty malaeable. Environmental conditions and intellectual processing can change how we think and feel. So the first step to becoming a compassionate person is to make a committment to practice empathy. This is the day to get out of your own head and move into the heads of others. Because, in case you didn’t know, each and every one of us has our own unique version of reality. Yep, in every family there are as many movies playing as there are brains perceiving.

The second step toward becoming a compassionate person (and strengthening your relationships) is to erase any negative feelings you might have about giving to another. Yes, believe it or not, some people think being supportive and kind is a sign of weakness or that putting someone else’s needs ahead of their own is giving up some precious control. If this kind of belief system was programmed into your tender mind, way back when, I give you permission today to let go of those notions. Instead, reprogram your brain with the idea that the “giver” is the power player in life. The reciever is not a “taker” but a worthy human being.

There are three kinds of people you can practice compassion with: strangers, acquaintances, and intimate family. With strangers and aquaintances the practice is quite simple: Increase your eye contact. Study their faces. What’s really going on with the teenager working at the drive-through window? The teacher who sighs as she trudges into your child’s class? The bank teller who carefully counts out your money? With each everyday encounter ask yourself what kind thing, be word or deed, you can do to improve someone else’s mood. Then sit back and watch the magic happen. Compliments work well with strangers. Friendships will improve if you put empathy into action and offer a ride, a babysitter, some arms to help lug stuff. And, don’t assume you know exactly what people need. Inquire first. Then offer goodness with no strings attached. That’s true compassion. And it can be done in the smallest of ways. I sometimes stack the dishes for a waitress at a busy family restaurant to make her load easier. I open doors for strangers. I say an earnest good morning to people at Starbucks. I always inquire and offer help to mothers with babies and toddlers in public. These small acts of connecting teach your brain to have compassion.

Our intimate family members require a bit more gentle detective work. We need to go deeper to create emotional intimacy. There is a technique that psycho-therapists often use called reflective listening. Reflective listening involves translating the speakers words into your own words and feeding them back with a voice of inquiry. So, your kid comes home and says, “This was the worse day of my life.” A straight inquiry might be simply, “What happened?” But with the addition of reflective listening, you might say, “Things didn’t go so well for you today and you look like you’re feeling mad.” Then pause. Wait, and watch. You might even reach out and touch your child. A hand on the shoulder, a stroke of the hair, signals to your child that you are connected with him and available for support. Let the child lead the conversation and with each moment of interjection, reflect back to the child his feelings so that he begins to feel truly heard and supported. You might be surprised by what you hear and what you learn about the people you thought you knew so well.

Compassion is one of the skills that makes relationships stronger because when we truly see and empathize with others, we become loyal to them. We tune into the same familiar news anchor and our favorite sports stars in the same way. Familiarity breeds loyalty. Compassion works on us too. Compassion is the feeling we can use to love ourselves more. To accept our own flawed path and ill-timed lessons of life. When we can feel compassion for ourself, that is, understand our own suffering and do something to heal it, then we have so much more to give in a love relationship.

So the next time you find yourself at an impasse with love, stop and entertain the feeling of compassion. Are you being too hard on yourself? Are you being too hard on that other human being in your life? Dig deep at these moments to scoop from the geyser of compassion that flows inside every person. Compassion is the only thing that works every time to build trust and emotional intimacy. Tomorrow: Emotional Intimacy skill #2: Shame Tolerance

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Five Days to Emotional Intimacy

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

images-1We all know that relationships — the foundation of our mental health — have become highly insecure. The divorce rate is soaring and 40% of American babies are born out of wedlock. But there is one secret recipe to relationship success — it is emotional intimacy. And it is the glue that makes powerful relationships thrive and grow. In the next five blogs, I will teach you the building blocks of emotional intimacy. You will benefit. Your kids will benefit. And, best of all, your relationship will benefit.

Think about it. Once a home for the heart, relationships have become a mess of mistrust. A holding tank for insecurity. When our great-grandmothers  got married, they may have signed up for some boredom and a few lost dreams, but they did not live with the fear that on any given day, for any reason at all, her partner could just quit!

Ironically, to protect ourselves from rejection and loss, we invest fewer emotions. Today’s relationships are marked by an avoidance of emotions — a belief  that it is safer to check one’s heart at the bedroom door rather than risk being truly seen and potentially judged as unlovable.  And technology, disguised as a communication aid, supports this need to avoid by keeping us in touch while touching nothing tender.  Text, email, Facebook,  and Twitter  are the enablers that allow us to practice false intimacy. So what’s the answer to

this complicated landscape? I think the winners of this paradigm shift will be the people who acquire the sharpest emotional intimacy skills.

If you have a stronger emotional bond with your partner, the sex will be more meaningful. Communication will be better.  Even your kids will be more confident and secure and have the ability to create healthy love relationships later in life. Emotional connections are like super glue!

By taking small baby steps today, your relationship can grow by leaps and bounds… and you’ll feel closer than ever. So take this journey with me, and watch your emotional intimacy skyrocket like never before.

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Holiday Cheer, Recession Style – How to Spread Cheer Without Spending Money.

Friday, December 18th, 2009

imagesThe December holidays, no matter which religious history, are a way to create light in the darkest days of the year. It is a time to come together with family and friends and be thankful for our health and happiness.  With money tight for many American families, how can you lift your moods and spirits on a budget? Answer: Give of yourself and strengthen family connections. Here are ten ways to find meaning in the holidays without spending much dough.

1. Forgo gluttonous holiday parties with people you are not close to. The holidays have become a hectic time of forced festivities. A new dress and a bottle of champagne as a hostess gift, followed by an unwelcome hang over, might not be the way to make your life meaningful. Let this year be the year of peace, quiet, and intimate gatherings. A glass of wine by the fire with three people will provide more sustenance than a smoke-filled rave.

2. Find a new cause to give to… whether it’s flowers for an old folks home, or toys for underprivileged kids. This is the year to give to those who really need, and fill your heart with love.

3. Celebrate a lost family tradition or research and plan a new one. This is the year to go to your parents church or temple, or to find a soul enhancing experience that will become your tradition. Join a new age church. Meditate by candle light. The root of all December holidays is an urge to find safety and light in the cold, long nights of winter. Find a ritual that helps you feel peace.

4. Give homemade gifts. This is the year to resurrect your grandmother’s lost art of preserving food. Make sauces, jams, eggnog or baked goods. These items will be far more appreciated than anything manufactured in China.

5. Get the family together. Yes, even the ones you may not be so fond of. This is an opportunity to heal old emotional wounds, bond with kinfolk and connect with your roots. When I asked my eleven-year-old what is her favorite thing about Christmas, she didn’t miss a beat when she said, “Family.” Then she paused for a nano-second and followed up with, “Presents!”

6. The quantity of gifts is more exciting to kids than their value. Any parent who has endured the Christmas competition known as the “Present Tally,” can attest that kids love LOTS of gifts. We were never rich growing up but my mom always wrapped up socks, underwear, comic books, and chocolates. The presents were beautifully decorated and filled with anticipation and excitement. On Christmas day the joy was rarely in the gift’s expense, it was in the expansive array of colorful packages. Trust me, a $2 wind up toy takes on new meaning when it comes in a box within a box wrapped in shinny paper and bows.

7. Make a holiday TV special an event. Instead of going to an expensive Christmas show or leaving the TV on as background, rent a favorite Christmas DVD (mine is always WHITE CHRISTMAS) and make an appointment with the family. Make hot chocolate and popcorn and create a pillow theater on the floor. Kids will remember these moments of family closeness more than the details in the movie.

8. With the kids out of school and amusement parks being pricey, this is your chance to explore the museums in your own city. You might be pleasantly surprised to see how much kids can get out of an art museum.

9. Graham Cracker Ginger Bread houses. My tummy is full with one as I write this. Enough said.

10. Blast those Christmas carols! Music and song have a special influence on our psyche. Music can lift our spirits and heal our souls. Don’t hold back. Hum a carol yourself!

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The Turkey Pill – The Effects of Gratitude on Our Minds

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Today, most Americans will take at least a moment to consider the things in their lives they are grateful for, be it cherished people, good health or relative wealth. Then they will bless their bodies with an absurd amount of calories to reinforce the idea that they live with plenty.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite American holidays, partly because it is not burdened with the exclusivity of religious trappings and can be celebrated by most everybody, but also because the art of giving thanks is one of the most mood enhancing brain behaviors. In fact, the act of counting one’s blessings is an anti-depression technique used in most every kind of psycho-therapy and spiritual counseling sessions. It is a way to reframe our losses and our sorrows and put things into perspective.

DownloadedFileI think the hardest thing about being a human, that is, a compassionate human, is the daily integration of pleasure and pain into our psyche. From tragic news stories to troubles in our own families, sadness and loss will always be there. The things that must balance those painful experiences, if we are not to be swept into the abyss of clinical depression, are the positive feelings of gratefulness, pride, and pleasure. One of the most active ways that humans have learned to trigger these good feelings are through works of altruism. We all carry a kind of cellular empathy that, when sprung into action, creates goodness on both sides of the giving fence. Those of you who helped feed people in our nation’s overpopulated homeless shelters yesterday know what I’m talking about. Let us wish that all Americans can give themselves the gift of selfless sharing on a regular basis.

There will always be loss. We live in a circle of life where there will always be death, even if it is the death of the sweet turkey whose sacrificed body lies in brine in my kitchen as I right this. Yes, I too, just noticed that I made a Freudian slip by typing “right this” rather than “write this.” Perhaps that’s what Thanksgiving is after all. A perfect attempt to “right” this mess of life. A time to remember those less fortunate and a time to honor the things we have done right. Go ahead. Gorge yourself at the table. You’ve taken the hand you were dealt and played it deftly. Now it is time to give thanks to the dealer to feel even better.

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