The Huffington Post thinks that since I wrote THE BOYFRIEND TEST and THE GIRLFRIEND TEST, then I am qualified to write THE GOD TEST. Who am I to argue with the most read blog on the world wide web? I also noticed that many of the comment posters on the Huff Post’s article and on the attached YouTube video think that I am currently dating Jesus. So it makes sense that I submit him (and the other God’s lurking around) to my boyfriend test. Only to satisfy the Huffington Post, here is an excerpt from THE BOYFRIEND TEST adapted, as instructed, for God.


(The following is meant as pure humor and not meant to slander any particular believer. If God didn’t give you a sense of humor, do not read this.)

1. Does this God disrespect relationship boundaries? If you already have a God and this God is hitting on you, disqualify him fast!

Come to think of it, Buddha has been flirting with me lately. If Jesus really is my boyfriend, should I disqualify Buddha?  Buddha’s a bit old though.

2. Does he take too long to call after meeting you? The industry standard is 2-7 days.

I don’t remember the first time I met Jesus. My parents were playing matchmaker before I was even out of the cradle. I’m not excited about arranged marriages, although their divorce rate is 4% compared to 50% for romantic marriages. No matter. My cell phone never blasts with the word “Jesus” on the screen. And please don’t use my faulty iphone as an excuse. I have Verizon.

3. Does he seem vague? Are there gaps in his history? Is he dancing around some of your personal questions?

Yah Jesus, how about those missing thirteen years? Were you shacking up with some Hindu in India, or maybe doing time with a hottie in London after the Roman invasion? Inquiring girlfriends want to know.

4. Does he have a plan? If he calls for a date and has no idea what he’s inviting you to, he’s a bad God bet.

So what is the plan, Jesus? Huh? Huh? How about you Moses? Buddha? Muhammad? Allah? Anyone got a plan here? Or am I arranging all our dates? Must be true, that the rise of women in the west has made male Gods downright lazy. I’ve heard it’s because all those hook-ups flood the supply side of the sexual economy. So the price goes down.

5. Does he allow you to pick up or split the check?

As far as I know, I have been picking up the tab for everything since we met. Even when I’m at your place, you’ve got your hand out. C’mon dude. A collection plate on a first date? Not cool.

6. Has he displayed any anger? Displays of uncontrolled agitation in the early stages of a relationship could signal an anger management problem.

Oh man. Haiti. Japan. Snooki. Why are you so angry, God?

7. Sex! Is it kind, loving, and complete with foreplay and afterplay? Expect a good God candidate to get the warm towel to clean up, snuggle you for as long as you want, and sleep on the wet spot.

(Pause) Umh… well… Okay, so you’re doing one thing right. You seemed to have removed cultural barriers against girl-on-girl. So there’s hope we’ll be treated better in bed. Thanks, I guess.


8. What kind of relationship does he have with his mother? This will eventually mirror the relationship he has with you.

Well, he had a single mother to start off. That’s good. I bet she taught him to respect women. Then he was part of a blended family. So I’m sure he can really understand today’s modern family.

(For those who wonder which God I’m actually dating, uh, praising, I’m sorry to say that most of the God fan clubs would bar me from membership. Sigh. Apparently the Atheists have too. Such a lonely world. Maybe Fox will take me in.)

3 thoughts on “THE GOD TEST! IT’S HERE!!!

  1. Maybe atheists just don’t want an afterlife where they have to hang out with people like “Dr.” Wendy Walsh.

  2. As a HuffPo reader, I would like to say that they are mocking you, even stating that your education credentials may be illegitimate, because YOU stated something insane as SCIENTIFIC FACT with no sources as if it was universally known. In my opinion, if my skull was as dense as yours and I believed that religion = survival skills, I would say those that don’t believe in a life after death have a much greater incentive in staying alive that a delusional believer in invisible space daddies and an invisible palace in the sky 😛

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