Here’s a strange misconception going on in our culture and I’d like to clear it up right now so we can all get on with our lives. There seems to be this idea that finding a partner with whom we can exchange mutual care, is about finding a perfect match — a soul mate. This idea has fueled the entire dating industry that includes websites, TV shows, and every romantic comedy that’s ever been written. And this idea of romantic love has also caused many divorces when partners become disappointed that their marriage isn’t filled with “love.”
But let me say it loud and clear: Love isn’t something you search for. Love is something you actively create. You are in the driver’s seat. And you can direct your love on anyone you choose. Need proof? Look at this statistic. There are far more arranged marriages in the world than marriages based on romantic love. That marriages based on love is over 50% and for second marriages based on love the divorce rate is much higher. However, worldwide, the divorce rate in arranged marriages is 4%. Part of this success is due to the cultural factors that help glue the relationship and another part of it is the intellectual commitment made by each partner. But knowing this. Let me ask you, why not arrange your own marriage?
Granted, we are not attracted to everyone we meet. Sexual attraction, which is quite different from love, is a hypnotic cocktail of brain stimuli responding to vision, sound, and pheromones. Each of us has a unique mix of memories from our sexual development that merge together to create our version of a sexually attractive person. But, let’s now ask anyone reading this: Are you sexually attractive in a very narrow group of people. Of course not! We would never have survived as a species if our wiring was so narrowly directed. There are many, many potential partners out there for all of us, both men and women.
Being an active lover means having compassion and empathy for another person and adjusting your behavior to accommodate them. That doesn’t mean having no boundaries and being a doormat. But it also doesn’t mean bailing when the first hint of conflict arises. Love is a decision, not a quest.
I’ll bet if you adjusted your mindset, you could find love today.
Hint: It’s all in your head.
Watch my YOUTUBE video: Is Rational Love Replacing Romantic Love?
Wow Wendy:
This is so true. I believe I knew this basically or learned it in my first marriage, but I wasn’t willing to do the work and so it ended in 1990 well the final death knoll anyway. I don’t like it to this day that I see the pain I’ve helped to cause for her and my children, but at least now I can work on healing that pain and she is becoming a good friend.
Being “deliberate” about dating and “investing” in another relationship at the very least makes life interesting. 🙂
My goal is to be assertive and deliberate about this without causing any more pain for myself and others than necessary. It is hard to “eliminate” friends as long term prospects but constant honesty and my focusing on not living in my expectations and projecting onto my dating friends seems to be helping.
Your posts are so encouraging and interesting. Thanks
This was a good read. More women need to hear this. We have been brainwashed about “love”.