Tag Archives: Boyfriend problems

FOR WOMEN: Why Men Stray And How to Prevent Cheating

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It is estimated that 65% of divorces occur  because of an extra martial affair. And, despite the sexual revolution and the reduction of the “double standard,” more men still cheat than women. Now science shows us why this gender imbalance might exist.

First, there could be a genetic link. Swedish researchers recently identified an infidelity gene, which is present in four of 10 men. This gene can explain why some men are more prone to stormy relationships and bond less to their wives or girlfriends. However, it’s important to remember that biology is not destiny. People born with genetic predispositions to say, heart disease or obesity, make lifestyle adjustments that compensate for the negative gene.

Secondly, men may find it easier to cheat because they feel less than woman. A Spanish study recently revealed that the interpersonal sensitivity of men (especially those aged between 25-33) is low compared to women. This clearly could affect a man’s ability to empathize with his partner. The study also showed that men feel less intense guilt and this difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group, a group particularly vulnerable to the mid-life crisis affair.

Finally, more men fear emotional intimacy and more than do women. Believe it or not, some men find lovers so they can  avoid any real intimacy. Emotional closeness and the expression of vulnerability that goes with it scares many men, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them. At the same time,  they don’t get too emotionally involved with their lovers. This kind of “watering down of the milk” feels safer to some men.

As always, my solution to bullet-proof relationships is to grow a bond through emotional intimacy. To make a relationship  rock-solid, one must move a step or two closer to the bone, and hone some relationship skills. Compassion can be learned. Fair-fighting is a skill. And stonewalling is a killer of all connection. Intimacy is not easy nor pain free. Extreme emotional intimacy and mutual care may involve squeamish feelings of shame, the forced expression of awkward words, an ability to see the ugly in others and still love them, and worse,  the ability to glaringly see the ugly in ourselves and still feel lovable. But the pay-back is pure kryptonite. An I’ve-got-your-back-if-you’ve-got-mine emotional contract that can make your relationship affair-proof.

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DR. WENDY WALSH IS AVAILABLE FOR TELEPHONE RELATIONSHIP COACHING. TO SCHEDULE, PLEASE CLICK HERE AND COMPLETE THE BOX ON THE LEFT. SHE’LL PERSONALLY RESPOND.

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FOR COUPLES: What Your Sleeping Position Says About Your Relationship

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Black Couple SleepingAre you a spooner? An edge hugger? A toe toucher? New research shows that the sleeping position couples choose is directly related to their relationship satisfaction. The data on 1000 couples was collected at the Edinburgh Science Festival and the biggest finding was that the further a couple sleeps apart, the more unhappy their relationship.

As for slumber positions, the majority of couples reported sleeping on their backs with spooners running a close second. Next most common were back-to-back sleepers and only a mere 4% of couples sleep facing each other. But the most telling feature was how many inches apart they slept. Partners who have physical contact while they sleep reported the most positive feelings in their relationship, while those who slept thirty inches apart reported the least relationship satisfaction. Interesting to note that, other research shows that one in four American marriages sleep in separate beds.

It makes sense that uneasy alliances would be less likely to cuddle up after dark, but could a change in sleeping position actually improve a relationship? The answer depends on whether both partners want to change their relationship. If that is the case, it stands to reason that touch can be healing. The neurochemical effects of skin-to-skin contact in infants and children have been well documented. In fact the absence of touch can stunt the growth of babies. Touching and hugging can release oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding in humans.

Even though sleeping is quiet time, sometimes couples can encounter a lot of commotion throughout the night, such as if one’s partner snorts like a trumpet, or rolls to the other side with the covers. Regardless of any problem while sleeping with one another, our bodies get emotional nutrition through touch. If a couple is sleeping separately because of snoring or a medical condition, it would serve their relationship well to schedule extensive cuddle time, maybe while watching television. Another option to think about is to start the night together and have one partner leave when the snoring gets bad.

My advice? First have a talk and then have a touch. Even those with menopause hot flashes might benefit from a little nocturnal toe touching.

DR. WENDY WALSH IS AVAILABLE FOR TELEPHONE RELATIONSHIP COACHING. TO SCHEDULE, PLEASE CLICK HERE AND COMPLETE THE BOX ON THE LEFT. SHE’LL PERSONALLY RESPOND.

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WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT LOVE AND SEX? GET 50% OF MY ONLINE WORKSHOP “THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HUMAN MATING” USE PROMO CODE “LOVE 50” CLICK HERE

How Your Attachment Style Makes You Leave or Stay

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Couple Back to back with problemsSome of the reasons couples stay together or break up may surprise you. While it’s easy to assume that most people stay in relationships because it feels good and there are plenty of rewards such as having a close connection, along with physical and emotional intimacy, new research shows that depending on your attachment style, you may stay or leave for different reasons.

Stephanie Spielmann, of the University of Toronto’s department of psychology was one of the first researchers to look at the effects of social threats and rewards in relation to love commitment. They studied three separate groups of couples totally nearly 2000 people of both genders from the United States and Canada. And what her team found is that attachment style has a lot to do with why people stay.

The big take away is that people who tend to have an avoidant attachment style (those who shy away from emotional closeness) perceive that their relationship gives them few rewards. On the other hand, those with higher levels of attachment anxiety (those who worry about love and crave intimacy) perceive that the loss of their relationship will be a terrifying thing. Also, when people think their relationship is rewarding, they tend to have higher levels of commitment, invest more in their love life, and report that their relationship is satisfying. The results were the same for both genders.

What does all this mean to us? Simply put, people who have anxiety about love, tend to stay in an unsatisfying relationship because they fear being single. They actually settle for less, because they fear losing their relationships is worse than staying in a bad place. And people who avoid emotional closeness tend to have higher commitment problems. Not surprisingly, people who have a secure attachment style, those with high self esteem who can give and receive care comfortably and feel that closeness is rewarding, tend to have higher commitment levels and ride out the bumps of relationship ruptures well.

If you suspect you are in an unhealthy relationship, it’s important to understand your attachment style and to examine your fears about being single. Feelings of loneliness are painful feelings for both genders but dating a hurtful person can have longterm effects on self-esteem. Knowing your real value on the mating market is key to maintaining confidence in your current relationship.

Watch my video:

WHY PEOPLE DATE OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE

Why People Date Out of Their League

FOR COUPLES: Can You Survive a Long Distance Relationship?

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DepartureYou may have heard of this little saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” but anyone who has been in a long distance relationship that went sour knows this isn’t always the case. More popular than ever before, the long distance relationship seems here to stay. Fueled by both the need for a mobile workforce and increased romantic opportunity through technology such as Facebook, Instagram, Skype, Twitter, research shows that some couples survive long distance relationships, while others don’t.

Purdue University researchers Ji-yeon Lee and Carole Pistole looked at attachment style, idealization (how one positively views their relationship,) and relationship satisfaction in two groups of college students totaling 536. One group had partners living in close proximity and the other were in long distance relationships. They hoped to identify which factors are related to relationship satisfaction. The group was asked to complete a series of online survives that focused on anxiety and anxious attachment. In the end the researchers found that both long distance and local relationships with partners who have troubled attachment styles were less satisfied overall about their relationships. Interesting to note, people in long distance relationships who tend to have a lot of anxiety or avoidance around emotional closeness, tended to show more idealization, or fantasies that the relationship was great. They also tended to disclose less and reported greater relationship satisfaction. It may be that people who have difficulty getting close to someone actually prefer a long distance relationship where they can imagine things are going well, without having to do the day-to-day work of growing emotional intimacy.

But for any couple, not seeing a significant other every day can cause some emotional barriers. Here are some tips to help make a long distance relationship work:

1. Make an end game. If your long distance relationship doesn’t have a time line and a goal, then it runs the risk of falling apart as soon as the sexual passion dies down. If the relationship is new, discuss how long each of you plan to engage in long distance courtship before discussing moving to the next step.

2. Keep it real and honest. Because people with insecure attachment styles tend to disclose less, it’s important that you don’t let your fantasies run away with you. Ask direct questions and give direct answers, especially when it come to feelings. Don’t assume anything.

3. Stick to a schedule. If your long distance relationship doesn’t have a predictable schedule of communication times, you run the risk of slipping into a zone of “only when it’s convenient.” And that’s not a real relationship. All relationships involve some kind of compromise and making time, by phone or Skype every day is important to growing a secure attachment.

FOR COUPLES: Do You Have Good Flights or Bad Fights?

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Dealing with abuseEver been in a passionate argument with your spouse and had the thought, “This is it. This will divorce us for sure!” Here’s a secret: Most people have those thoughts in the heat of an angry exchange, because in the regressed mental state called rage, “water under the bridge” doesn’t seem like an option. Know this: Conflict is a natural part of having an intimate relationship and even a vital part. As couples come back to each other after a fight, in a place of love with words of contrition and forgiveness, the relationship is often stronger for it. It is at least more intimate. The bumpy road of conflict followed by repair is the route to a deeper connection. After a fight, we know our partner’s hot buttons very well. And hopefully he is more understanding of our tender spots. But how can you tell if your fights are “good fights,” the kind that will eventually help you grow closer, or “bad fights”, the kind that chip away at your bond and erode your love? Certainly, some fights do function as a slow kill on your relationship.

There are some things to consider: First of all, think about the power of the words used during a fight. Yes, even though psychotherapists stress that we must use words that focus on our feelings rather than accusations, even the most educated of us resort to blaming sentences that begin with the word “YOU!” That alone doesn’t indicate a “bad fight” unless it is also followed by vicious name calling. Name calling is a bad sign. It indicates that one partner has temporarily forgotten the other’s identity and has substituted it by a skewed stereotype. It’s hard to drop those evil caricatures once our minds have created them. If you see him as a loser and tell him over and over, you are also rewiring your brain to believe this is true.

One other thing to consider is the amount of voice time alloted each arguer. If the yelling is terribly lop-sided and one partner gets more air time, then something else is going on. Either intimidation by the loud mouth, or an emotional retreat by the other. Both things are not fighting fair. As injurious as a fight can be, the biggest determinant of whether it is a “good fight” is the way repair is made afterward. There are many unique ways that couples come back into relationship after a fight. Notes left by the morning coffee pot, flowers at the office, and my favorite — off-the-charts make-up sex. But the important thing to remember is that love and respect can return.

Dangerous aftermaths include icy treatment for days on end. Little jabs thrown into unrelated conversations. Passive aggressive, retaliatory behavior. And worst of all, a fight that morphs into other fights that get flooded with material from old injuries. “Remember the time you…..”
The best way to learn to have “good fights” is to establish ground rules before any fighting begins. Men love rules of the game. It reminds them of sports and makes fighting a healthy challenge rather than a confusing battle with a scary, invisible opponent. Some ground rules might include, no name calling, no stonewalling, no fighting in front of the kids, no going to bed mad, and most importantly, scheduled make-up time the next day.

It is also important to understand that each person has their own fighting style that must be respected. A man who walks out the door for brisk walk during an argument may not be rejecting you, he may be protecting you from a shift from words to action. Some people need a time-out to regroup and think during a fight. The time to talk about fighting styles, of course, is when you are not fighting.
Arguments with someone we are deeply committed to can be very, very scary. And the outcome of a fight may not be what we bargained for, but two individual people sharing a life will have many opportunities to compromise. Remember, it’s not who wins the match that matters, it’s how the game is played. Reminding yourself that love can return is the best way to insure that you have good fights.

Watch my YOUTUBE video: How to Forgive