Tag Archives: dating advice

FOR MEN: Real Men Hate the Word Love

love-limit-road-sign-trim-black-partsHave you ever noticed that I talk about relationships all day long and I only rarely mention love? And when I do, it is usually to caution that it is a delusion intertwined with sexual attraction. Or, I remind you that love is a verb, not a noun. An action word. Not a state of being. Long term love is an intellectual commitment, I say.

Could I sound any more unromantic?

Hey, and speaking of romance, I normally dismiss flowers, chocolate, fine wine, and high heels simple accoutrements to delusion. I should also tell you that my “brainy” ideas about love have garnered me a group of male readers who say, “finally a woman who gets it.” Men do love to make rational sense of things that are so irrational. And men love to hate the word love. It feels weak to think feelings for a woman might disempower them.

But do I really get it?

I certainly have some textbook notions about how biology and psychology get all tangled up and sometimes make people do things they shouldn’t be doing. Running off with a paramour when a perfectly good spouse is right in front of you. Staying with an abusive spouse because of love. Jumping into bed with a Casanova because you will be the one to change him. Thinking that a loss of sexual energy is a loss of love. And, my favorite transgression of love’s delusion: Dragging children through our delusions.

Could love really be that dangerous? Must it always involve some form of heartbreak, dysfunction, boredom, loss, or even violence? And if that is the case, why do we march right back into the fire when we should know better?

I have some of the answers. But only some.

Psychologists would say that love is a seeking out of early womb experiences and infantile bliss. A baby’s play and cuddling becomes an adult sex life. Parts of our brain consider a lover a kind of mother, a nurturer, a protector, even an executor of boundaries. We feel safe and cared for in a love relationship.

We do it, that is, fall in love because it is the single best chemical high in our lifespan. At least, the best high that both genders can experience. Women also get to do childbirth, which is pretty darn close to experiencing heaven and hell at the same time. But love is different. It is shared with an adult.

Both genders can experience love together. Love. An unconscious handshake between too souls who agree there is more to this world than work, play, and food. It is an exchange of mutual projections that when executed well, is better than any Academy Award winning movie. Love may be a delusion but it is one of the best ones we have. And sometimes it’s all we have. With so many people losing faith in old religions, I wonder if love is becoming our new religion. And what is faith after all? Merely a belief in something that we have little scientific proof of. I would venture to say that we have far more proof of love’s power than many religions do in their folklore. The selfless acts of love that happen every day are real, observable, and can bring us to our knees in awe of the God-like powers within humans.

Now I will really go out on a limb and say that Love (look, I’m using a cap now!) can feel like a spiritual experience. All we can hope for, is that each new love relationship will bring us different challenges. We hope that as we grow we will not become trapped in familiar, unhealthy patterns that get us stuck. Delusion or not, love is something we should all sign up for. It’s an antidote to fear, horrific TV news, sickness, and other suffering. Love is the answer. And when life gets us down, when we feel, shame, loneliness, victimized, pressured, indecisive, or angry, love is the only choice that will work every single time. It won’t always have an instant result and it won’t always come back directly to us with the precision of a ping pong ball, but a loving act will change our biology and change the world. One selfless act at a time. Don’t fear love, nor waste it thoughtlessly. It is the biggest gift you will ever receive. Ya listening guys?

Watch my youtube on:

Is Rational Love Replacing Romantic Love?

FOR SINGLES: Ten Rules for Using Technology to Date

Guy texting girl madText, Email, Facebook, Twitter give the appearance of instant access to your lover. A way to stay connected. But it’s a clever trick. The very things that are designed to keep us closer, if used incorrectly, can brutally tear us apart.

To understand what I mean, let’s think about the things that keep a low-tech relationship sharp — plenty of face-to-face time, long conversations, great sex (with foreplay and after-play), and intimate activities like Sunday morning toe-touching in bed with the New York Times. These practices are the workhorse of intimacy, and they are irreplaceable.

Now let’s consider a modern “high-tech” relationship. A few texts or emails sent during the week to firm up weekend plans. A rendezvous on the weekend that may or may not involve sex (or may involve only sex and no date) and then a Facebook status report on Monday that confirms that your partner is indeed “in a relationship.” You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? Not a bit. People write to me all the time with questions about the meaning and protocol of Facebook’s “In a Relationship” descriptor. And during the week, those same people hang onto their electronic device like it is a life-line to love. They reread the texts. They count the texts. They interpret the texts. They depend on a string of impulsive digital communications to determine how secure their relationship is!

Sadly, this isn’t compassionate love. It’s a crazy mind game. And it is not communication. It is a poor replacement for healthy communication.

I used the example of text because most people are oblivious to how dangerous a weapon it can be. With text’s brevity and it’s inability to gage the mood of the receiver, those 140 characters can be packed with a power to inflict great pain if taken the wrong way, and read at the wrong time. Of course, email has it’s on list of transgressions. A longer format and a safer place to express feelings, email is still void of eye contact, touch, body language, and voice tone. Could you imagine listening to a recording of your favorite band, with most of the instruments missing? That’s what email is to human communication.

With all that said, in the busy world of convenience and multi-taking, is there, in fact, a way to use technology to grow love verses extinguish it? Well, thank you for asking! Yes, there certainly is. Here’s Dr. Walsh’s list of Do’s and Don’ts for high Tech love:

Ten Rules for Using Technology to Grow Love:

1. Make sure phone calls outnumber emails. Emails are not a substitute for voice-to-voice communication. They are just a side dish.

2. Send texts regularly, every other day or so. If you are dating and growing a relationship, a short, brief text can help you stay in his or her mind. If you are married and/or living together a text every now and then can help keep love alive.

3. Don’t bombard them with texts! (or emails) That’s stalker behavior.

4. Only say positive things in a text. 140 characters is no room to criticize, complain, offer advice, or explain your complicated life. Stick to greeting card slogans: “Thinking of You” and “Wish Your Were Here.”

5. Use tech to schedule a more intimate phone call. This is what all boys and girls like to read in a text or email: “Missing You! What time can we chat?”

6. If you are on Facebook and see that your date or mate is also online, it is always polite to send a IM of hello. In the real world if you both turned up at the same party, you wouldn’t ignore them, right?

7. Tech is meant to be a two-way conversation. If anyone you care about sends you an email or a text, and you are swamped, you still must respond! Even the most busy of us can find a second to send at least a happy face. Keep the line of communication going and the next phone call will be a happy one.

8. Even if you have a good excuse, do not flirt with anyone on Facebook if your status reads “In a Relationship.” That’s a bonehead move.

9. Never Tweet or Facebook Post any information about your real-world relationships (Especially the one with your Ex!) To do so would be inviting a forum to enter your tender relationships. Intimacy must grow in privacy.

10. Never break up using technology. Period. If you were brave enough to enter the relationship with your voice (or any other body part) you can find the cojones to break up with grace and class. Use your words, people. And say it out loud.

For more watch my youtube:

Four Tech Mistakes Single Women Make

For Singles: Getting Your Pre-Break Up Smile Back!

contact-usAt some point of the dating game, we find ourselves to be single longer than expected. At first, the solitude may be welcome. You are finally free to catch up with the friends you left behind when you beamed into the love-bubble, to book that beach vacation, or try a new hobby. But after a time, the site of couples, the sounds of love songs and your mothers wish for grandkids brings a dreadful feeling: Will you be single forever? It’s important to take deal with such uncomfortable feelings because not only do they affect us mentally but physically as well. A study conducted by Jacqueline Olds, MD, professor of psychiatry of Harvard Medical School, showed that people dealing with loneliness for long periods of time had increased risks of depression, substance abuse and a weakened immune system.

Here are some tips to ease that feeling away:

  • Awareness– Be conscious of how you feel and most importantly express it. Don’t conceal it! Act on it!  Why do you think so many journals are sold every year. If you don’t write, then draw. using art as a way to express your feelings can be very beneficial. There are no good benefits for you to mentally lock your feelings away and not deal with it. It does not help you move on in life, it just blocks you from living it. Just because you are revealing a vulnerable side to yourself, it does not make you a weak person. It gives you strength by cleansing all of those negative thoughts out of your head.
  • Have Compassion– It is human nature to be over critical and think you are the only person feeling this way, but that’s not true. Researchers from the University of Chicago found that people are 52 % more likely to feel lonely if a family member, friend is also lonely. Look around you and have compassion for yourself and others. Sigmund Freud said that “sublimation” (taking your own pain and helping others with the same pains) is a healthy way to heal. So, find those people and set up a dinner party, book a bowling night, or catch a comedy act. Hint: Laughter is the other remedy Freud liked.
  • Don’t Wallow– Instead of ignoring and masking your loneliness, face it eye to eye. But after that, don’t wallow in your pain. Walk it out and talk in out. Yes, walking for 30 minutes in bright sunlight has been shown to help relieve depression. Then call some old friends and yabber away on the phone for a time.

Being alone may not be a fun to deal with but by having a positive mindset will help you find a new mate faster. If you your symptoms of depression include, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, a lack of motivation and uncontrollable anger, then seeking professional help may be in order. You deserve to feel love again. You’re worth it!

FOR WOMEN: Find Mr Right, Right Now!

couple-on-dateWomen always ask me how they can tell if the new guy they are dating is commitment oriented or just around for the fun times. Most men have learned to say all the right things at the beginning of any dating situation to make women feel comfortable and to obtain sex, and sometimes it’s hard to tell the commitment oriented guys from the players. Sadly, research shows that the number one lie is that men tell women is, “I love you,” in exchange for sex. So how can you tell at the beginning? Here are five clues you can look for to see if a guy is commitment oriented:

1. Look at his parents’ marriage: Are they still married? Were they married for a long time? This is important because this is a model inside of his head.

2. Check out his social group: Does he still run with a pack of highly single, promiscuous guys? Do they spend a lot of time in Vegas? Are there strippers involved? That’s not a good sign. If his peers are starting to get married or some of them are married and having kids, this is a good sign.

3. What’s his income? Studies show that men of a higher income tend to get married more often then men of a lower income. Guess what, when you get married all that stuff costs money, kids, mortgage, babies, college, whatever. Men like to have their financial ducks in order.

4. How old is he? The average age an American male gets married is 27. If he is between the ages of 24 and 37 that’s a really good marriageable age if it’s his first time heading to the altar.

5. Is he able to delay sexual gratification? A study out of the UK showed when women said “No” to sex, the men that stuck around were the good guys. They ended up being the “Dads” rather than the “Cads”. Another study shows that couples who wait to have sex tend to have healthier long-term relationships. Why? People who have the intellectual ability to delay sexual gratification tend to make better partners.

WATCH THE VIDEO HERE!

FOR WOMEN: The Five Date Boyfriend Test

superstar-magazine-first-date-couple-lunch1In my book, The Boyfriend Test, I put women in the drivers seat on dates and remind them that they are doing the interviewing for the most important job position in the world, the job of best friend and lover. One of the tests in my book is called the “Five Date Consistency Test.” In five date consistency test you are looking to see if this is building into a relationship. Could this be a boyfriend? I mean, you’re only five dates in, this isn’t marriage material yet. You’re starting to see if he has the potential to be that dream man. So ask yourself these questions:

1. Is he making plans?: Is he still making and consistently keeping plans? Only lazy guys make the woman social director on the first two dates. If five dates into it he is still actively making plans, even if he is collaborating with you that is a good sign.

2. Is he Mr. Words or Mr. Action?: Has he followed up on the little promises he has made? Did he fix that car stereo like he said? Has he done it?!

3. Has he displayed anger?: He probably should not have displayed anger yet. He is still a peacock showing his feathers, being the fantasy prince for you. If he cannot hold his anger for five simple dates, this man may have anger management problem. I’m not saying there won’t be anger in the future, but he should be able to contain himself during the sales pitch.

4. Is he playing phone or text tag?: Is he starting to get inconsistent? Women think that’s a sign they should try harder. Pay attention, men don’t speak with words they speak with actions. Is he calling at home when he knows you are at work, or visa versa? Or is he taking longer to call or text back each time? Don’t let it heighten your fight or flight tendencies. Drop it.

5. How does he use email?: Sometimes e-mail can be a way into someone’s soul because it’s really hard for them to express themselves verbally. On the other hand, it can be used as a separation device, if they are calling less and shooting last minute e-mails more, probably not a good sign.

6. Trust your instincts: Women do not trust their intuition enough. We are programmed anthropologically to figure out the needs of a nonverbal human. We have the heightened instincts that make our gut instincts almost always right.