Tag Archives: finding love

FOR SINGLES: Is Marriage Becoming Extinct?

The shape of our families is constantly changing. People are marrying for the first time, and the divorce rate just keeps soaring, giving way to many single parent households. Single life is no longer a short rite of passage; it’s an important consumer demographic. For the first time in history (since the immigration of mostly male, early settlers), almost half of adult Americans are now unmarried. There’s even Singular Magazine, devoted to the lifestyles of those who have made a commitment to being single. It even includes ads for commitment rings to purchase for oneself.

But has love changed? Has committed love been replaced by a revolving door of dates? Is long-term monogamy even necessary for our species’ survival? The answers are complicated. Marriage may be changing, but it will never go out of style.  In case you’ve been living under a rock, there’s a fight going on right now in America to allow more people to be granted marital rights.

Marriage may not be going away, but its purpose has shifted. Historically, marriage was a place for women and children to have economic protection. It was a place where religious values could be taught and extended to the next generation, and a place where family fortunes could remain intact. More recently, marriage became a place for a relatively new invention: romantic love. But since dating and hooking up have morphed into America’s favorite pastime, full of hopeful highs and disappointing lows, even romantic love is losing its luster.

So why choose marriage today? Because it is an intellectual decision that leads to survival of the species. Anthropologists have always said that it was human’s sophisticated social structures, including the adoption of long-term monogamy, that help our species procreate and thrive.

Humans are the animals that require a huge amount of nurturing for our psychological and physical survival, more than virtually any other animal on earth. While most newborns are up on four legs and running with the herd just hours after birth, we Homo sapiens have a vulnerable in-arms (or stroller) phase that lasts almost four years. And it’s really, really hard to nurse and carry a baby while extracting resources from the environment. Just ask any single mother. Doable, yes, but very difficult. Remember the mission: to grow up healthy and create offspring that are also healthy and ready for careers and parenthood.

Family therapists know that dysfunctional family systems eventually fall out of evolution’s chain. Each generation has fewer and fewer offspring that survive through the next procreation, until the family line finally dies off. Apparently, neglectful parenting can create drunk drivers, criminals caught in crossfire, hermits, drug addicts, and narcissists too selfish for parenting — all people with lower chances of reproducing. But let me make one thing clear before I get inundated with e-mails about this: I am IN NO WAY SAYING that all single mothers create dysfunctional families. What I am saying is that every time one factor is removed from a system that has been selected through evolution, the chances for dysfunction increase. Plenty of single mothers are raising healthy kids with the help of extended family, surrogate male role models, and friendship villages that act as a de facto family. And this is part of our changing family structure.

Evolution has shown that our best chances for survival and for the survival of our offspring’s offspring is a team approach to raising humans. And the best team captains are people who have a biological interest in the child. And to create that, we need to sometimes put the notion of romantic love aside and make an intellectual decision to do what’s best for our genes, ahem, I mean kids.

Watch my youtube video: What is Slow Love?

FOR SINGLES: Three good reasons to have casual sex tonight

stockvault-plastic-letters---sex107912You might think that having sex just for sex’s sake is always a personal choice. But there are other factors that make us choose casual sex, and different outcomes of that experience vary depending on our gender. Biologically, casual sex is the great un-equalizer between men and women. Women notoriously face higher rates of depression and lower self-esteem when having recreational sex. However, men who have at least one hookup or more, experience lower depression rates and higher self-esteem.

Recent researchers have gone even further into finding why men and women choose to hook-up. Zhana Vrangalova, Ph. D from Cornell University surveyed 528 Cornell undergraduates at the start and end of their academic year, and gathered data on their mental and physical health, number of sex buddies, demographic factors, and motivations for having casual sex.

Her research found that when hook-ups are self-directed and reflect a person’s values, there was no correlation between engaging in casual sex and negative health consequences. In other words, when the decision to have sex was driven entirely by a person’s own desire, without outside forces influencing their decision, there were no negative consequences. However, when the reason for having sex was driven by outside influences, like pleasing a partner, researchers found that people faced higher depression rates and anxiety, lower self esteem, and even encountered more physical health problems compared to those who did not participate in casual sex.

It comes down to this question: Are you having sex because you want to, or because you are seeking rewards and avoiding punishment? The answer to that question could mean your physical and mental health. Here is a checklist to assess if you are having sex for the right reasons:

The right reasons to have casual sex:

– Wanting to have fun and enjoy the moment
– Feeling it is an experience needed to learn more about your sexuality
– Believing it is a crucial experience one must have in their life

The wrong reasons to have casual sex:

– Needing to please someone else
– Hoping that it could possibly lead to a long-term relationship
– Doing it to make a person feel better about themselves

When it comes to hooking up, trust yourself and be sure that you are making a self-directed decision. Never do it to please your partner, or because you think it’s what everyone else is doing. Lastly, take care of that sexy body, and use protection!

Want to know more about how Casual Sex is affecting today’s dating game?

Check out my video,  Is the Sexual Double Standard Gone?

FOR SINGLES: WHO LIES IN ONLINE DATING?

Man looking shocked at computerIt’s common knowledge that, when selecting a mate men prefer youth and beauty and women prefer money and height. But did you know that pressure causes most people to outright lie on online dating sites. In fact, 81% of people lie.

And the most common lies? According to researcher, Catalina L. Toma of Michigan State University users mostly lie about their age and their height. In addition, Professor Toma, Jefferey T. Hancock, of Cornell University and Nicole B. Ellison at Michigan State University, interviewed people from New York City who were dating online. All three of the researchers recorded the dating users’ height, weight, and took pictures of their faces, and recorded their age by verifying by their driver’s license. From the information they gathered, they analyzed the group’s dating profiles.

Women were the pretty little liars when it comes to weight. They found women claimed to be, on average, 8.5 pounds thinner than their actual weight. But men lie about weight too, but tend to shave fewer pounds off. They averaged 2 pounds lighter. Not surprisingly, a greater portion of men fibbed about height than women. Most lying men added half an inch to their original height.

So how about age? Is it really true that women lie about age to appear younger and more fertile? Not so. The age factor, according to Toma, was one aspect that dating users of both genders were honest about.

The good news is that it is possible to tell if a person is lying on their dating profile. According to a study printed in the Journal of Communication, people who lie on their profiles tend to use fewer pronouns. In other words, they lie but don’t directly attribute it to “I” and “me.” As well, those who are not telling the truth on their profile have a tendency to use more negative words such as “not” or “never”. They write shorter descriptions about themselves and do not display pessimistic emotions like “sad” and “upset.”

In the online dating world, it is buyer beware. Understand that deception is a proven mating strategy. Accept that the lies exist and do the math for yourself. Add some weight to each woman and subtract some height from each man. That way, you won’t be disappointed when you meet for that first coffee.

WATCH MY VIDEO: FOUR TECH MISTAKES THAT SINGLE GIRLS MAKE

Four Tech Mistakes Single Girls Make

Cited Sources:
http://www.academia.edu/762681/The_truth_about_lying_in_online_dating_profiles

FOR SINGLES: You Don’t Find Love, You Make it.

Couple On Date with WineHere’s a strange misconception going on in our culture and I’d like to clear it up right now so we can all get on with our lives. There seems to be this idea that finding a partner with whom we can exchange mutual care, is about finding a perfect match — a soul mate. This idea has fueled the entire dating industry that includes websites, TV shows, and every romantic comedy that’s ever been written. And this idea of romantic love has also caused many divorces when partners become disappointed that their marriage isn’t filled with “love.”

But let me say it loud and clear: Love isn’t something you search for. Love is something you actively create. You are in the driver’s seat. And you can direct your love on anyone you choose. Need proof? Look at this statistic. There are far more arranged marriages in the world than marriages based on romantic love. That marriages based on love is over 50% and for second marriages based on love the divorce rate is much higher. However, worldwide, the divorce rate in arranged marriages is 4%. Part of this success is due to the cultural factors that help glue the relationship and another part of it is the intellectual commitment made by each partner. But knowing this. Let me ask you, why not arrange your own marriage?

Granted, we are not attracted to everyone we meet. Sexual attraction, which is quite different from love, is a hypnotic cocktail of brain stimuli responding to vision, sound, and pheromones. Each of us has a unique mix of memories from our sexual development that merge together to create our version of a sexually attractive person. But, let’s now ask anyone reading this: Are you sexually attractive in a very narrow group of people. Of course not! We would never have survived as a species if our wiring was so narrowly directed. There are many, many potential partners out there for all of us, both men and women.

Being an active lover means having compassion and empathy for another person and adjusting your behavior to accommodate them. That doesn’t mean having no boundaries and being a doormat. But it also doesn’t mean bailing when the first hint of conflict arises. Love is a decision, not a quest.

I’ll bet if you adjusted your mindset, you could find love today.
Hint: It’s all in your head.

Watch my YOUTUBE video: Is Rational Love Replacing Romantic Love?

FOR SINGLES: Tinder: Material Used for Lighting A Fire

urlWant to meet a heterosexual human who is nearby, has some potentially fluke hot photos, and will promise to be full of tension and misunderstandings? Then Tinder is for you. Tinder is the hot new dating app for the twenty-something generation that is promoted as the “straight Grindr.” In case you don’t know, Grindr is the gay man’s app that uses GPS to essentially find someone close by to grind your Levi’s on. The idea of a “straight” app that does the same thing is certainly exciting, except for one thing: women use it too. Now if women thought and behaved like gay men, this app would be a giant hit. But instead of kindling relationships, Tinder is mostly starting bonfires that crash and burn.

Don’t get me wrong. While there are plenty of women out there who are looking for the odd hook-up, most don’t need GPS and an app to find a willing man. They simply need to dress provocatively and show up anywhere. If only women understood that there is very little power in seduction as the only requirement for most young men is that you run on estrogen and have a heartbeat.

But the frustration comes from the fact that most of the women on Tinder treat the app like a dating site and most of the men treat the app like a porn site. Yes, there are exceptions to this. Anecdotal stories have mysteriously cropped up on the web from people who know people who found love on Tinder. But those stories have degrees of separation that smell like urban legends. Bottom Line: Tinder is an app guaranteed to reduce speed dating to a microcosm of the gender wars: women want love and men want sex. Of course, men want love too. But most will take sex if it’s offered. And Tinder is one abundant buffet of offerings.