Tag Archives: gender roles

FOR WOMEN: Why Men Stray And How to Prevent Cheating

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It is estimated that 65% of divorces occur  because of an extra martial affair. And, despite the sexual revolution and the reduction of the “double standard,” more men still cheat than women. Now science shows us why this gender imbalance might exist.

First, there could be a genetic link. Swedish researchers recently identified an infidelity gene, which is present in four of 10 men. This gene can explain why some men are more prone to stormy relationships and bond less to their wives or girlfriends. However, it’s important to remember that biology is not destiny. People born with genetic predispositions to say, heart disease or obesity, make lifestyle adjustments that compensate for the negative gene.

Secondly, men may find it easier to cheat because they feel less than woman. A Spanish study recently revealed that the interpersonal sensitivity of men (especially those aged between 25-33) is low compared to women. This clearly could affect a man’s ability to empathize with his partner. The study also showed that men feel less intense guilt and this difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group, a group particularly vulnerable to the mid-life crisis affair.

Finally, more men fear emotional intimacy and more than do women. Believe it or not, some men find lovers so they can  avoid any real intimacy. Emotional closeness and the expression of vulnerability that goes with it scares many men, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them. At the same time,  they don’t get too emotionally involved with their lovers. This kind of “watering down of the milk” feels safer to some men.

As always, my solution to bullet-proof relationships is to grow a bond through emotional intimacy. To make a relationship  rock-solid, one must move a step or two closer to the bone, and hone some relationship skills. Compassion can be learned. Fair-fighting is a skill. And stonewalling is a killer of all connection. Intimacy is not easy nor pain free. Extreme emotional intimacy and mutual care may involve squeamish feelings of shame, the forced expression of awkward words, an ability to see the ugly in others and still love them, and worse,  the ability to glaringly see the ugly in ourselves and still feel lovable. But the pay-back is pure kryptonite. An I’ve-got-your-back-if-you’ve-got-mine emotional contract that can make your relationship affair-proof.

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FOR WOMEN: Is Your Spouse Being Financially Unfaithful?

For Women, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Man taking euros banknotes with stealthy expression.Does your spouse keep a separate safe deposit box? Do the family’s financial statements get mailed to an office address, not the home? Is he or she an ATM junkie? If so, there’s a chance your spouse could be stepping out on you with the family money. And this behavior is far more common with men than women.

It’s one thing to fear that your husband might stray with his heart and/or his body, but what most women don’t realize is that the risk of financial infidelity is far more dangerous and could lead to longer term consequences for women and their children.

“Most divorces are not impulsive decisions. One party or another checks out emotionally three to five years before they file for divorce,” says, Stacey Napp the CEO of Balance Point Funding, an investment firm that invests in women who have become financially disabled during a divorce proceeding. “Long before a man leaves, he begins to squirrel away assets so that he’ll hold the power in divorce court.” The behavior is more common with affluent husbands because, as a family’s net worth rises, couples tend to move into traditional gender roles, with the woman working less and handling more child rearing and household management chores. And if divorce happens these women are left unprotected. Since it is illegal in most states for a family attorney to work on a contingency (taking a percentage of the final settlement) the exit game becomes one where divorcing husbands strive to leave their wives with no assets to hire a good divorce lawyer — who may demand as much as $20,000 on the first visit.

“Divorce isn’t pretty, but it doesn’t have to be dirty,” says Napp, who founded her company after her own divorce and the financial infidelity she experienced that nearly cost her her entire lifestyle. According to Stacey Napp, there are six red flags that women should be on the alert for:

Is he being financially unfaithful?

1)      Your bank, brokerage or financial statements are sent to his office, and not to your  house
2)      You’re not the beneficiary of his life insurance policy
3)      Like clock work, the same amount of money is  being withdrawn from your joint account every month
4)      He has a separate safe deposit box
5)      Significant repeated cash withdrawals on your joint credit cards
6)      Does your husband own his own business and have his family as employees and/or partners in that business?  That alone isn’t a red flag, but if any of the above are also present- watch out!

So, if you do suspect trouble, is there anything you can do to stop the leakage? Yes, according to Napp, you have to act like your own forensic accountant and gather intelligence before he hides evidence from a real court. That may mean photocopying every document he ever brings home — including his entire wallet and briefcase. Since people stay in contact with their money, photocopy cell phone records, check frequent flyer miles, even the home telephone bill. Ever the financial sleuth, Napp says that calling fast food delivery restaurants in areas where phone calls have been made, can reveal what address goes with what number. And always, wives should request a once yearly free credit report from all three credit reporting bureaus. This report can contain information regarding financial institutions that he may have established relationships with that you were unaware of. It would also show any aliases and/or alternate social security numbers being used by your spouse.

With the enormous emotional pain that women experience during divorce, financial unfaithfulness adds another layer of injury. Injury that can have tragic consequences for children who might be yanked from school after losing tuition and women who many lose their home and community support system. Stacey suggests that women who are full-time mothers are especially vulnerable to this kind of infidelity.

Watch my Youtube on: Taking Charge of Your Love Life is Real Feminine Power

FOR WOMEN: Six Sexuality Facts That May Surprise MEN

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Couple having sex - woman on topThe study of women’s sexuality is relatively new in the grand scale of research history, but now science is finding statistics about women’s sexuality that make most women say, “Duh.” Here are a few recent studies that might surprise some men:

1. Women tend to become aroused by erotica involving men, men and women, and just women, indicating a bisexual arousal pattern. This doesn’t mean women all behave in a bisexual manner. It simply means they can be turned on by both thoughts or images of both genders. This is different from most straight men who only become aroused by heterosexual erotica, and gay men who mostly become aroused by homosexual material.

2. Women’s brains can separate mental arousal from genital arousal. For instance, even if she is not mentally stimulated, a woman’s body can have a physiological reaction to sex. (Thus the confusion of some rape victims who experience a spontaneous orgasm during the trauma.) And women can sometimes be mentally aroused and have trouble becoming wet and wild down below.

3. Body image is connected to sexuality for women. Women who feel more positively about their own genitals find it easier to orgasm and are more likely to engage in sexual health promoting behaviors, such as having regular gynecological exams or performing self-examinations.

4. For women, physicality grows out of emotionality. Emotional availability activates their physical sexuality. Women are more apt to show up physically and sexually when their partner is emotionally present, while men tend more to just show up.

5. Women fear emotional infidelity more than physical infidelity and men fear the opposite. In one study women preferred that their husband see a prostitute once per week rather than have platonic, though intimate, lunches with a co-worker. This points to the fact that women fear a diversion of resources that might come with an emotional connection.

6. Women have less ability to have a stand alone physical relationship because their body releases oxytocin during orgasm. Oxytocin, the female bonding hormone, is also released during breastfeeding. For that reason women sometimes become bonded through sex even when they don’t mean to.

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Five Sex Myths That Keep Women Single

FOR COUPLES: Is Sex a Need or a Want?

For Couples, For Singles, , , , , , , ,

loving-couple-72I like to think women are the custodians of the social order, especially when it comes to sexuality. Some feminists think that all woman can adopt a male model of sexuality, but what many don’t know is that the “male model” of player is a really rare guy. Most men, like women want love, bonding, attachment, and great sex. Never-the-less, many women have joined hook up culture. They think, “Free sex, isn’t that great!” Unfortunately, it’s made some men really lazy, because they don’t even have to use traditional courtship anymore because apparently they can just pick up the phone at 10:30 p.m.

So whenever I tell women that if they withhold sex, (or delay the onset of the physical relationships) just a little bit, they will get a lot more work out of men. Men will be much nicer to them. Remember, the word “No” is the world’s most powerful aphrodisiac. But I do hear some women say, “Oh are you saying we have to put our sexual needs aside, so we can train the boys?!” To this I respond, recent studies show women are having trouble adapting to the hookup culture. Of course we are. Most women bond through sex because oxytocin, the female bonding hormone is excreted during orgasm. Women love to try to create relationships through sex. Of course, If you plan on dying at 30 years old, and childless you can have the hookup culture for about 10 years. But at the end of the day, women are left holding the bag — the diaper bag, that is. Sex is still a high-risk game for us. We accept deposits, and it could be something awful like a bad STD, or it could be something beautiful and wonderful like a baby. But that’s still 18 years of hard labor. Let me tell you, single motherhood is not for sissies!

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It got me thinking though, is sex really a need or a want? Can both genders control their sexuality? I think both genders can. It may be a little harder for men, but I know they are able to because I have seen them do it. Now what is a need? Hmm, need for survival? Well, water, air, food, companionship (they put the really bad ones in solitary confinement so it must be painful) and sex once! Just one homerun to procreate, that’s all we need. The rest of the time, it’s like a trip to Nieman Marcus, it’s a luxury. Don’t believe me? Just ask any military spouse with a partner serving abroad, priest, nun, prisoner or elderly widow. (Don’t count Betty White; I think she’s getting it.) My point is, we don’t need to have the amount of sex that the media is telling us we need to have. In fact, it can hurt women. It can be a dangerous activity for women to pretend they are boys. And boys become men when they have to work for sex, trust me. So why can’t we hold it in a bit? Come on women! Why can’t we be the custodians of the social order?

FOR SINGLES: The Economy of Sex – Watch my Talk here!

For Men, For Singles, For Women, , , , , , , , , ,

economic-graph_1670122cIn art and poetry, the price of sex is love. But seen through the lens of anthropology, sociology, and psychology, the cost of sex varies. Today, in our high supply sexual economy, sex has “price tags” that range from the cost of a lengthy courtship to the barrel-bottom price of one well-worded text. While some women control the supply side, trading sex only for “expensive” love and commitment, many men and women have unknowingly been shuttled onto the sexual mass market. In the hook-up culture, men are encouraged to take-all-sex-at-any-cost, and women, constricted by the sexual double standard, are encouraged to be free while be astutely aware of their count. Yet, research shows only 3% of men are players, 25% of college students are virgins and young people are having less sex that the 1980’s! After Dr. Walsh’s riveting lecture you will never look at your social life the same way again. If your goal is care, commitment, and a healthy relationship where your genes will survive in evolutions’ chain, Dr. Walsh has the secrets to successful mating strategies for both genders. Click on the link below to watch her lecture that includes:

•  The real statistics on the hook up culture
•  The anthropological underpinnings of the sexual double standard
•  Five sexual myths that keep women single
•  How high supply sex creates men who fail to launch in business
•  The three tenants of the slow love movement