Tag Archives: infidelity

FOR WOMEN: Is Your Spouse Being Financially Unfaithful?

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Man taking euros banknotes with stealthy expression.Does your spouse keep a separate safe deposit box? Do the family’s financial statements get mailed to an office address, not the home? Is he or she an ATM junkie? If so, there’s a chance your spouse could be stepping out on you with the family money. And this behavior is far more common with men than women.

It’s one thing to fear that your husband might stray with his heart and/or his body, but what most women don’t realize is that the risk of financial infidelity is far more dangerous and could lead to longer term consequences for women and their children.

“Most divorces are not impulsive decisions. One party or another checks out emotionally three to five years before they file for divorce,” says, Stacey Napp the CEO of Balance Point Funding, an investment firm that invests in women who have become financially disabled during a divorce proceeding. “Long before a man leaves, he begins to squirrel away assets so that he’ll hold the power in divorce court.” The behavior is more common with affluent husbands because, as a family’s net worth rises, couples tend to move into traditional gender roles, with the woman working less and handling more child rearing and household management chores. And if divorce happens these women are left unprotected. Since it is illegal in most states for a family attorney to work on a contingency (taking a percentage of the final settlement) the exit game becomes one where divorcing husbands strive to leave their wives with no assets to hire a good divorce lawyer — who may demand as much as $20,000 on the first visit.

“Divorce isn’t pretty, but it doesn’t have to be dirty,” says Napp, who founded her company after her own divorce and the financial infidelity she experienced that nearly cost her her entire lifestyle. According to Stacey Napp, there are six red flags that women should be on the alert for:

Is he being financially unfaithful?

1)      Your bank, brokerage or financial statements are sent to his office, and not to your  house
2)      You’re not the beneficiary of his life insurance policy
3)      Like clock work, the same amount of money is  being withdrawn from your joint account every month
4)      He has a separate safe deposit box
5)      Significant repeated cash withdrawals on your joint credit cards
6)      Does your husband own his own business and have his family as employees and/or partners in that business?  That alone isn’t a red flag, but if any of the above are also present- watch out!

So, if you do suspect trouble, is there anything you can do to stop the leakage? Yes, according to Napp, you have to act like your own forensic accountant and gather intelligence before he hides evidence from a real court. That may mean photocopying every document he ever brings home — including his entire wallet and briefcase. Since people stay in contact with their money, photocopy cell phone records, check frequent flyer miles, even the home telephone bill. Ever the financial sleuth, Napp says that calling fast food delivery restaurants in areas where phone calls have been made, can reveal what address goes with what number. And always, wives should request a once yearly free credit report from all three credit reporting bureaus. This report can contain information regarding financial institutions that he may have established relationships with that you were unaware of. It would also show any aliases and/or alternate social security numbers being used by your spouse.

With the enormous emotional pain that women experience during divorce, financial unfaithfulness adds another layer of injury. Injury that can have tragic consequences for children who might be yanked from school after losing tuition and women who many lose their home and community support system. Stacey suggests that women who are full-time mothers are especially vulnerable to this kind of infidelity.

Watch my Youtube on: Taking Charge of Your Love Life is Real Feminine Power

FOR COUPLES: Three Biggest Causes of Divorce

For Couples, For Men, For Parents, For Women, , , , , , , ,

divorce_signIn these throw-in-the-towel relationship days, you might think that Facebook or infidelity are the most common reasons that couples break up. Certainly they are often quoted in divorce papers. But the truth is a much more complicated one. There are essentially three categories of relationship distress that most often have couples calling the UHaul or marching into divorce court. They are:

1. Great Expectations

2. Conflict Avoidance

3. Toxicity

1. Let’s start with “great expectations.” While it’s wonderful to enter a relationship with great optimism, many people hold the secret belief that their relationship will make them happy in every area of their life. Sometimes, their expectations are so unrealistic they resemble the ending of a Disney princess movie. It’s important that both partners talk out their expectations before they move in together. There are a few things to keep in mind. Your husband will never be your girlfriend. Your wife will never be your guy friend. And happiness is baggage you need to pack and bring with you into a new relationship.

 

2. On the face, it sounds like “conflict avoidance” isn’t so bad. I mean, who wants to be in a relationship with constant fighting. However, the road to intimacy is paved with ruptures followed by repairs. It is during the repair stage that we grow closer, understand each other’s tender spots, and become more intimate. And intimacy is the glue that keeps people bonded. There are plenty of bad conflict styles, but the worst one is avoidance. If one partner continually dismisses the other, either by changing the subject, staring at the television, or even giving the silent treatment, I promise, the ignored partner will eventually find someone who will listen. And that person will be an attorney or a new lover.

3. There is a lot of talk about “toxic relationships” these days, but the kind that sends one to a family attorney is one that involves one of these things: domestic violence, child abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, or chronic infidelity. These factors make the nest completly unsafe for others who may be residing there. If your relationship has one of these toxic features, you must leave now.

Here’s an appearance on CBS Early Show where I talk about toxic relationships:

FOR COUPLES: How To Forgive A Cheater

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what-to-do-when-husbands-cheatLet’s face it, sexual infidelity is probably one of the worst things that can happen to a couple. But many, many couples are able to survive a bout of infidelity and stay together. In some cases, those couples say that their relationship quality got even better  — working through the transgression created an even deeper bond.

Studies of couples who survived cheating, found that the partners had a much easier time forgiving when the cheater self-reported rather than having the shameful event of having someone telling them. But whether you found out through a tip or a confession, here are three ways to survive infidelity:

1. Seek professional help. It is much easier to process your feelings with the guidance of a caring therapist. Remember, a therapist considers the relationship to be the patient and rather than taking sides, will work to help you make the relationship healthy again.

2. Minimize the event. Research shows that when a partner is able to consider the infidelity as a one-time thing and not make it explode into feelings that your partner is untrustworthy about every thing, it is easier to get back into a place of love and respect.

3. Fight the Feeling of Being a Victim. When ever couples have conflict, if one person constantly goes into a victim act, defending themselves, it shuts the lines of communication or creates a bickering war over who was more victimized. Instead of playing the victim, empower yourself with thoughts that the affair is a challenge to the relationship, that you can meet and solve.

Remember, forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Holding resentment is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die. For more tips of other types of forgiveness, watch my video, HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE, here:

 

FOR COUPLES: Can Open Marriages Work?

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couple-cheatingPeople often pose the question to me, is cheating really that bad? Does it have to be a deal breaker in a relationship? My answer is no. Sometimes a discovered act of infidelity can bring a couple closer as they work through the pain and come to a place of understanding and forgivness.

But open marriages are different. First of all, permission to cheat does not remove the inherent risks of introducing a third or fourth body to the relationship, risk that include STDs, a broken heart if the new partner isn’t prepared, or even a potential stalker. These are things an imaginary fling would never have.

Let’s break it down to biology. For most men, sex can be just sex. However, women have the hormone oxytocin released during orgasm and sexual activity that bonds many women with a sexual partner. For many women having sex is much more than just a romp. It’s an emotional act. Many argue that women cheat as often and in the same way as men. The research shows that women do cheat, but still not as often as men, and a good proportion of those women cheat because they are looking for a new relationship.

Some people believe that monogamy is a term invented by modern day humans. Many think nature is nature, deer and rabbit can’t have an affair, so the same should apply for humans. Here’s the thing: we are human! We are much more evolved than a deer or a rabbit. Our elaborate social systems were designed to create pair bonds that endured long enough to get offspring up and out of the womb.

Is an open marriage possible? The only condition under which an open marriage can work, is for a short period. Sooner or later someone always gets hurt. Someone becomes bonded to someone else, or age-old feelings of jealousy creep up to the surface. Think about it. Every story you’ve ever heard about a successful open marriage is told in past tense. The relationship ended.

I believe that infidelity is a symptom of a problem anyway. Infidelity alone is not the problem. And even permissive cheating has emotional underpinnings that should be explored. But I want to hear from you, would you let your significant other cheat?

WATCH MY DISCUSSION ON CNN ABOUT THE SUBJECT:

FOR SINGLES: How to Spot a Cheater

For Couples, For Men, For Singles, For Women, Maintain a Relationship, , , , , , , , , , , ,

cheater-quiz-mainIf only the cheaters and bad boys came with a warning label, so they’d be easy to spot before you laid your heart on the line. Some people who are prone to sexual infidelity do have an M.O., and here are some helpful tips to spot them.

First, look at their intentions when you first meet them. Research has shown that people who tend to be unfaithful are often emotionally avoidant. They dance around the tender topics like feelings most likely won’t open up about their family. One way an emotionally avoidant person operates is to extract sex and move on or they will carry on multiple relationships where they don’t have to get close to any one person.

While you’re out, be aware of your date’s social behavior. Studies have shown that a healthy sense of guilt can keep people monogamous. Faithfulness comes out of a sense of not wanting to betray their lover or hurt someone’s feelings. So if your date isn’t showing a lot of empathy or compassion to the people around, maybe even by being rude to a waiter, not tipping well or littering on the street chances are they don’t carry a lot of guilt. Instead, try to seek someone with strong moral values. They don’t have to attend church regularly, but if they were raised with any kind of religion they will know the Golden Rule. Remember that one? “Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself.” It means somewhere deep in their soul exists early life moral programming that can be helpful.

Here’s some research you might find fascinating, the higher a male’s IQ and education levels are, the less likely he is to cheat. Think about it, if we drive by a fast food restaurant and don’t stop it’s because we have made an intellectual decision not to put the fat and sugar in our body. The same goes for a man passing up a sexual opportunity. He is making an intellectual decision not to cheat, because he knows there will be consequences. A strong brain with good intellectual functioning can help him avoid his body’s temptations.

Here’s another fact that surprised me. Most would expect the alpha male, manly man, to be the one who wants to spread his seed, however, men with sexual anxiety issues are the ones to be wary of. These are the men who aren’t 100 percent confident in their sexual performance. These guys might think it’s their choice of partner, so they are more likely to see if it works better with someone else.

Final tip, pay attention to that paycheck! We are at a time when many women, particularly in the age range of 22-32, are making more money than their male peers. Research is showing that if a man makes significantly less money than his wife he is more likely to be unfaithful. Men love to self-identify by being the provider and when they can’t do so their self-esteem takes a hit. Sexual prowess becomes a way to help raise their self-esteem. On the other hand, if a man makes significantly more money than his wife he is more likely to have an affair because he might feel a form of entitlement. Couples do better in terms of fidelity, when they make around the same amount.