Tag Archives: Relating

FOR WOMEN: Why Men Stray And How to Prevent Cheating

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It is estimated that 65% of divorces occur  because of an extra martial affair. And, despite the sexual revolution and the reduction of the “double standard,” more men still cheat than women. Now science shows us why this gender imbalance might exist.

First, there could be a genetic link. Swedish researchers recently identified an infidelity gene, which is present in four of 10 men. This gene can explain why some men are more prone to stormy relationships and bond less to their wives or girlfriends. However, it’s important to remember that biology is not destiny. People born with genetic predispositions to say, heart disease or obesity, make lifestyle adjustments that compensate for the negative gene.

Secondly, men may find it easier to cheat because they feel less than woman. A Spanish study recently revealed that the interpersonal sensitivity of men (especially those aged between 25-33) is low compared to women. This clearly could affect a man’s ability to empathize with his partner. The study also showed that men feel less intense guilt and this difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group, a group particularly vulnerable to the mid-life crisis affair.

Finally, more men fear emotional intimacy and more than do women. Believe it or not, some men find lovers so they can  avoid any real intimacy. Emotional closeness and the expression of vulnerability that goes with it scares many men, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them. At the same time,  they don’t get too emotionally involved with their lovers. This kind of “watering down of the milk” feels safer to some men.

As always, my solution to bullet-proof relationships is to grow a bond through emotional intimacy. To make a relationship  rock-solid, one must move a step or two closer to the bone, and hone some relationship skills. Compassion can be learned. Fair-fighting is a skill. And stonewalling is a killer of all connection. Intimacy is not easy nor pain free. Extreme emotional intimacy and mutual care may involve squeamish feelings of shame, the forced expression of awkward words, an ability to see the ugly in others and still love them, and worse,  the ability to glaringly see the ugly in ourselves and still feel lovable. But the pay-back is pure kryptonite. An I’ve-got-your-back-if-you’ve-got-mine emotional contract that can make your relationship affair-proof.

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FOR SINGLES: The Economics of Sex

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imagesIn the world of art and poetry, the price of sex is love. But seen through the lens of anthropology, sociology, and psychology, the price of sex has unseen cultural economic forces. In America today, an unprecedented rise of women has accidently created a high supply sexual economy where price of sex has dropped from the cost of three dates in the 1980’s to today’s barrel-bottom price of one well-worded text. One in five men obtain sex on a first date. That tells me that 80% of young women are smart enough not to expose their eggs and bloodstream to a guy they wouldn’t give the keys to their apartment to water their plants!

But obtaining sex may not be a man’s goal. One feature of a high-supply sexual economy is that it creates a narrow definition of male sexuality, that is, take-all-sex-at-any-cost, that is leaving the “good” guys confused and the “good” girls behaving in ways that wouldn’t otherwise.

Even when sex is in high supply and the price is low, there are smart women who understand female power and who control the supply side of sexual economics. These women close deals, trading sex for the highest market price of all — care and commitment. These savvy women carefully negotiate with men using specific modern courting rituals with anthropological underpinnings. They understand that human males have the widest range of paternal investment of any primate and use specific strategies to identify and negotiate with one who will invest in his offspring. You’ll see their wedding photos on Facebook soon after college graduation.

FOR WOMEN: Let’s Talk About Men, Mothers and Monogamy

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000c0065-0000-0000-0000-000000000000_bfb9a6b8-b325-4a29-9532-ce499f73c0f6_20121112170419_111212_mothers_600x300Some people wonder why I am obsessed with human relationships, why I ravenously consume all the latest research on love, sex, and marriage. Some wonder if my motivation is to change men or help people have better sex lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, while I think adults are lovely people who certainly deserve to exchange care and commitment with each other, my motivation runs much deeper. I care about children. Period.

I believe the innocent lives that are spawned by our mating patterns deserve to be invested in by the two people responsible for their birth. But when a baby makes a debut in a co-habitation relationship, a dating relationship or, god forbid, a hook up, the statistics aren’t good.

We live in an era where sex is cheap, commitment is scarce and the number of single mothers grows every day. Fueled by celebrities with uber budgets who nanny-up and trick young women into thinking single motherhood is a glamorous cake-walk and a baby the latest accessory, too many young women face a different reality. Single mothers have worst mental and physical health than married mothers and their kids have worse outcomes in terms of grades, at risk behavior and earlier onset of sexual behavior. Even children that pop up in commitment-lite marriage (co-habitation) face the reality that most will be left with only one parent before they reach the age of twelve. Children who are produced by unhappily married couples have better chances than those raised by single parents.

And I laugh at how adults justify their taste for sex over gene supervision with the idea that somehow this is natural, that our hunter/gatherer ancestors were orgy loving, seed spreading, hook-up artists and single parents were the norm. In fact, if that were the case, our species would never have survived! In our ancestral past, there was plenty of monogamy. It may not have always been til-death-do-us-part monogamy, but it was certainly long enough to get children safely up and out of the nest. We are the species that requires the longest period of in arms care and longest term of brain development. Most other species are up and running with the pack within hours. But humans don’t join the village until the age of five and not permanently for another decade and a half.

Many women today instinctively know this and are desperately trying to find a guy to commit in the shrinking fertility window between education, a career jump-start and the demise of their eggs. Our current American birthrate is now below replacement. This means big economic consequences for the country. Too many dependant adults at the top and too few tax paying wage earners are a prescription for social ills. One in five women are losing the freedom to mother because they can’t get a guy to commit on time or because they believe the marketing myths of fertility clinics that tell women they can have a baby until age fifty. The height of female fertility hasn’t changed since our hunter/gatherer ancestor women so carefully selected a mate — it is the age of twenty.

The answer of course is two-fold: More cultural support for single parents and the practice of slow-love (delaying the onset of the sexual relationship) in order to create emotional intimacy that evolved as the glue for relationships. Love can conquer all. But only if love is allowed to grow.

FOR SINGLES: America’s Latest Dating Trend: The Stay-over Relationship

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One of America’s latest dating trends is what appears to be a hybrid of cohabitation and dating. It’s called the stay-over relationship, and lots of couples these days are doing it. Ultimately, it’s when couples keep the essentials like toothbrushes at each other’s places but still maintain separate households. They’ll spend the night at the partner’s place a few nights a week but can still retreat to their own home for a night or two when they need their space. The new trend is especially popular among college students and parents of kids who have left the nest.

Since stay-over relationships have recently become an emerging trend there’s not a ton of research about their longevity yet. Social scientists have just started to explore what they’re all about. It’s been suggested that they appeal to those who are interested in an intimate relationship but still want to maintain a high degree of personal freedom. Researcher Tyler Jamison at the University of Missouri suggests that stay-over relationship may make for a cleaner break-up than for couples that have signed a lease, bought furniture, and even adopted a pet together. Jamison says, “Staying over doesn’t present those entanglements.” In their groundbreaking study, University of Missouri researchers found that couples in stay-over relationships are relatively happy, but don’t necessarily plan on moving in together or getting married.

While stay-over relationships may be the best of both worlds for some couples, it’s likely that they won’t have the best relationship outcomes. Why? There is a lack of commitment in stay-over relationships compared to cohabitation and marriage. If a couple can’t commit to leasing an apartment together it’s not likely that t

FOR WOMEN: Why Women Have Sex

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782411-why-women-have-sexReprinted from askmen.com

 

It’s the age-old question that men often ask themselves: Why do women have sex? And why do women have sex without commitment? It might be easy to assume that a woman’s sexuality is like a man’s, but if that were true, why would so many men still believe that there are good girls for marrying and fun girls for, well, fun? (That double standard is a myth, by the way.) Before you label her one thing or the other, consider her motives for hooking up with you.

She Thinks Everybody’s Doing It

Women feel pressure to have sex because of an urban legend that says “everyone else is doing it.” In actuality, this isn’t true. A survey given on college campuses shows that college students talk about hookups far more than they’re actually occurring, so women think that becoming sexual with a man early on is normal behavior.

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