Tag Archives: Sex

FOR SINGLES: Ten Rules for Using Technology to Date

Guy texting girl madText, Email, Facebook, Twitter give the appearance of instant access to your lover. A way to stay connected. But it’s a clever trick. The very things that are designed to keep us closer, if used incorrectly, can brutally tear us apart.

To understand what I mean, let’s think about the things that keep a low-tech relationship sharp — plenty of face-to-face time, long conversations, great sex (with foreplay and after-play), and intimate activities like Sunday morning toe-touching in bed with the New York Times. These practices are the workhorse of intimacy, and they are irreplaceable.

Now let’s consider a modern “high-tech” relationship. A few texts or emails sent during the week to firm up weekend plans. A rendezvous on the weekend that may or may not involve sex (or may involve only sex and no date) and then a Facebook status report on Monday that confirms that your partner is indeed “in a relationship.” You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? Not a bit. People write to me all the time with questions about the meaning and protocol of Facebook’s “In a Relationship” descriptor. And during the week, those same people hang onto their electronic device like it is a life-line to love. They reread the texts. They count the texts. They interpret the texts. They depend on a string of impulsive digital communications to determine how secure their relationship is!

Sadly, this isn’t compassionate love. It’s a crazy mind game. And it is not communication. It is a poor replacement for healthy communication.

I used the example of text because most people are oblivious to how dangerous a weapon it can be. With text’s brevity and it’s inability to gage the mood of the receiver, those 140 characters can be packed with a power to inflict great pain if taken the wrong way, and read at the wrong time. Of course, email has it’s on list of transgressions. A longer format and a safer place to express feelings, email is still void of eye contact, touch, body language, and voice tone. Could you imagine listening to a recording of your favorite band, with most of the instruments missing? That’s what email is to human communication.

With all that said, in the busy world of convenience and multi-taking, is there, in fact, a way to use technology to grow love verses extinguish it? Well, thank you for asking! Yes, there certainly is. Here’s Dr. Walsh’s list of Do’s and Don’ts for high Tech love:

Ten Rules for Using Technology to Grow Love:

1. Make sure phone calls outnumber emails. Emails are not a substitute for voice-to-voice communication. They are just a side dish.

2. Send texts regularly, every other day or so. If you are dating and growing a relationship, a short, brief text can help you stay in his or her mind. If you are married and/or living together a text every now and then can help keep love alive.

3. Don’t bombard them with texts! (or emails) That’s stalker behavior.

4. Only say positive things in a text. 140 characters is no room to criticize, complain, offer advice, or explain your complicated life. Stick to greeting card slogans: “Thinking of You” and “Wish Your Were Here.”

5. Use tech to schedule a more intimate phone call. This is what all boys and girls like to read in a text or email: “Missing You! What time can we chat?”

6. If you are on Facebook and see that your date or mate is also online, it is always polite to send a IM of hello. In the real world if you both turned up at the same party, you wouldn’t ignore them, right?

7. Tech is meant to be a two-way conversation. If anyone you care about sends you an email or a text, and you are swamped, you still must respond! Even the most busy of us can find a second to send at least a happy face. Keep the line of communication going and the next phone call will be a happy one.

8. Even if you have a good excuse, do not flirt with anyone on Facebook if your status reads “In a Relationship.” That’s a bonehead move.

9. Never Tweet or Facebook Post any information about your real-world relationships (Especially the one with your Ex!) To do so would be inviting a forum to enter your tender relationships. Intimacy must grow in privacy.

10. Never break up using technology. Period. If you were brave enough to enter the relationship with your voice (or any other body part) you can find the cojones to break up with grace and class. Use your words, people. And say it out loud.

For more watch my youtube:

Four Tech Mistakes Single Women Make

FOR COUPLES: Could Your Problem Be Your DNA?

couplesProblemDNAIt’s no secret that some married couples struggle with sexual incompatibility and fertility problems. And now there’s a science that can tell you with a quick cheek swap test, if you are a good genetic match. InstantChemistry.com is the invention of a brainy young group of neuroscientists and geneticists in Toronto who are set to change the game of love. Their simple DNA test can help predict is a dating couple with have mad hot sex, a long relationship, better fertility and even healthier children.

The magic genes identified by the Instant Chemistry test are the same ones that power our immune systems, and under normal dating conditions, women’s bodies are uniquely designed to pick up the scent and taste of a man who may be a good genetic match. They do this through close contact and kissing. It’s no wonder that women like to kiss more than men and couples who kiss a lot — presumingly because it is pleasurable — are linked to longer, more secure relationships.

But today’s dating world is far from a “normal condition.” First of all, most women are on the birth control pill, creating hormonal changes that gum up the ability to detect compatible immune systems in men. Secondly, since we modern humans practice such amazing hygiene and mask our smells with products, important pheromones are hidden. Finally, since we are exposed to a wide range of potential partners in crowded groups, it makes it harder to distinguish fit mates from not-so-great mates.

Would you like a DNA test with your partner? Go to InstantChemistry.com to find out more.

Olympic Diving Star Tom Daley “Taken by Surprise” That He is Gay

Tom_DaleyIf you saw the brave and honest YouTube video of UK diving star, Tom Daley announcing that he is in a relationship with a man, you might have paused when he said it “took him by surprise.” I mean, don’t people know they are gay long before the age of nineteen? Well, yes and no. Let me explain a few things that even Tom Daley might not know about human sexuality.

First, most primates are wired to be bi-sexual. In every primate species (there are five great apes, of which we are one) bi-sexual behavior behavior happens, sometimes just as a favor in exchange for food and at other times because it’s a pleasurable hobby. In our modern human cultures, filled with invented laws, rules, and moral codes, we don’t always behave as we did in the wild. In this century, the work of Dr. Alfred Kinsey, and his Heterosexual–Homosexual Rating Scale, helped us understand that most of us lie in a gray area between gay and straight, some of us being more straight in thought and deed and other being more gay. Yes, you can be straight-ish and gay-ish. Kinsey was the first to look at both fantasy and behavior and he continuum between straight and gay, giving us a score of 1 through 6, one being totally straight in mind and body and six being totally gay in thoughts and behaviors. It’s possible to live a totally heterosexual life in behavior but your fantasy material may be more mixed.

Tom Daley explained in his video that he has had many relationships with women but now is in a safe and wonderful relationship with a guy. Daley might fall on a number three or four on Kinsey’s famous scale. Or, as a few gay friends have pointed out, identifying as bisexual is often a way that gay people feel safer coming out of the closet. There’s a saying in the gay community, “Bi now, gay later.”

But I don’t buy that in every case. The problem in our modern culture is that we think we are so progressive because we have become so accepting of people who are gay, even legalizing gay marriage in some states, but are we really so progressive when we force people into one of only two narrow definitions of human sexuality?

I believe that Tom Daley was taken by surprise about his new love. And I hope he isn’t forced to self-define in a way that neatly fits into society’s view of sexuality. Gay and straight are the very extreme ends of the human spectrum when it comes to sexual orientation. Tom, don’t give it a label. Just love in an honest way.

 

For those of you who think monogamy isn’t natural either, watch my YouTube video on why some men cheat and other don’t:

FOR MEN: What She Won’t Do In Bed With Hot Guys

Attracting-Hot-WomenIf you’re a regular single guy with a warm heart and an average face you probably know that sex with a woman is a joy, a pleasure, and maybe even part of a relationship that brings all kinds of emotional benefits. And if the relationship is new, or STD tests haven’t been done on both of you, I’m sure you’re using condoms. She insisted on it, right? Because she does that with every guy, right?

Wrong.

A new study in the Journal of Health Psychology called, The Role of Men’s Physical Attractiveness in Women’s Perceptions of Sexual Risk, showed a startling fact. Women are less likely to insist that a man put on a condom when he is especially attractive. Clearly, this is a dangerous practice, considering that the hotter a guy is, the more sexual opportunity he has, (read: potential to be exposed to more germs) and if most women who sleep with hot guys are also not insisting on condom use, then it doesn’t take a math genius to see that hot guys can be one big populated petri dish.

Here’s why this should matter to you. While it’s true that women have a much higher risk of contracting an STD, as they are the ones who accept the deposits, so to speak, most men don’t know that when they do contract an STD, it often has absolutely no symptoms at all. Without a condom, you can become the carrier to the whole female species. Take Chlamydia, for instance, one of the most common STD’s. Not a lick of a symptom in most men. Yet this pesky bacteria is the most common sexually transmitted disease and can cause infertility in women.

Light bulb going off yet? Fast forward a decade long after you and that hot girl blow up to the point where you debate putting some revenge porn online (By the way, that’s illegal now.) But now you’re happily nesting with a good woman, you’re got a secure financial life, a new house and the only thing left are little guys to throw a ball with. Imagine learning than that you accidentally gave your wife the STD that caused her to be infertile?

Just saying.

FOR COUPLES: Are You in a Sex Rut?

Couple sitting up in bed, both looking away   Original Filename: couple.jpgProbably the biggest problem that long-term committed couples present to a certified sex therapist is something called a “high desire/low desire dynamic.” In plain speak that means one partner wants sex way more than the other. There are two areas that sex therapists and relationship counselors look at when determining a treatment for this kind of sex rut, physical and emotional.

Emotional issues in a relationship commonly play out in the bedroom. Seething anger will kill a sex drive faster than anything. Before the physical can be addressed a therapist will guide couples through the relationship dynamics that could be affecting their sexual communication. Talk therapy can help couples learn some better ways to express their feelings, gain some effective conflict resolution skills, and even work on time management, can go a long way to improving a couple’s sex life.

As for the physical side, the most common thing that happens to couples is that they learn to play each other’s instrument so well that they go down to plucking one string. Every couple has a go-to position and a go-to set of arousal techniques. The problem is, exciting sex requires novelty. A sex therapist would advise a couple to move the sensation out of the genitalia and back out to every other part of the body. The prescription would be simple: No sex for six weeks. This takes the pressure off the partner who’s being hounded and sets up a nice obstacle that can lead to arousal. The world’s most powerful aphrodisiac is the word “no.”

Finally, the couple would be asked to perform a series of sensate focus exercises over six weeks, where they begins with hand holding and exploring every crevice of each other’s hands, to foot massages, back massages, and finally on week six, a return to the family jewels. Games like this can actually trick the body into thinking they have been given a new toy.

DR. WENDY WALSH IS AVAILABLE FOR TELEPHONE RELATIONSHIP COACHING. TO SCHEDULE, PLEASE CLICK HERE AND COMPLETE THE BOX ON THE LEFT. SHE’LL PERSONALLY RESPOND.

Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 8.18.56 PM

 

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT LOVE AND SEX? GET 50% OF MY ONLINE WORKSHOP “THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HUMAN MATING” USE PROMO CODE “LOVE 50” CLICK HERE